Choosing a partner is one of the most frequently made decisions, to which we seem to give the most importance and one of the ones that can have the greatest consequences.
However, true compatibility is difficult to find, and some might say that many couples seem to have originated from a wrong decision. So, if choosing a partner is so important, Why do these elections go wrong so often?
Kindness seems to be a stumbling block when choosing a partner
Much of the psychological studies on this topic take fixed characteristics as variables, such as the level of wealth, objective data about the physique, etc. However, we must also take into account variables that occur on the ground and that only exist in the personal relationship we have with others. Could there be something in that way of relating that influences us when establishing romantic relationships? We already have studies that point in that direction.
Investigation
A research team from the University of Toronto has come to the conclusion that one of the explanations for an unfortunate choice of partner could be, in summary, this: we are too nice
Rejecting someone is a difficulty that we are not always willing to overcome, and empathy (or cordiality, or kindness, or courtesy) can make us very open to the possibility of dating all kinds of people… even those who are incompatible with us.
Taking as a starting point the assumption that human beings have social tendencies that lead us to put ourselves in the place of others and be friendly with others (or, looked at another way, to avoid conflict), the team carried out an experiment to observe how this predisposition to empathy affected when choosing a partner. To do this, they invited several men and women as experimental subjects, all of whom were single and interested in dating. Each of them, individually, was shown three profiles with various data about three different people.
Afterwards, the experimental subject decided which of those three profiles was the most desirable as a potential date. Once this was done, the experimental subject was provided with more information about the person he had chosen: it was a set of data among which there were characteristics that the person had previously indicated as exclusive, that is, they eliminated the person. that has these qualities as a possible partner.
Once this information was received, the person was asked if they would be interested in establishing contact with the person described in the reports. In other words, if they were interested in having the possibility of meeting her.
The importance of get along
However, from this point The experiment was divided into two variants Some people were told that their potential better half was right there in the lab, in an adjoining room. Another group of participants were asked to imagine that this person was in the next room.
This means that one group of participants was more empathically conditioned than the other, feeling that personal proximity with a person who, at least on paper, did not meet the characteristics they were looking for.
Clearly different. In the group of those who only had to imagine the proximity of the other person, hardly 17% of the participants said they wanted to see the other person
Instead, In the group of those who believed they were close to the other person, more than a third accepted Furthermore, when asked what had moved them to make that decision, the scientists found a combination of self-interest and a spirit of generosity. Concern for the other’s feelings clearly had an influence, at the expense of the predisposition to reject potential partners.
However, it is not clear that this trend has to be a source of unhappiness. Of course, it can be if empathy masks important incompatibilities that are revealed as the relationship progresses, until reaching a point where these problems take on more importance than the desire not to hurt the other. On the other hand, it can also give rise to romantic relationships where a priori there were only prejudices and banal ideas about what the ideal partner should be like, and this in turn would cause empathy and emotional ties to gradually strengthen. As in many other things, Time seems to be a decisive factor when evaluating a personal relationship
