Love is a very broad concept that also encompasses many different types of love. But really… what is love? Is there an exact definition that could define it?
It has been described as an emotion, an instinct or a construct. The truth is that it is a quite subjective and complex reality. What for some is love, for others it is selfishness or submission, for some it is happiness and for others suffering And love possibly has part of all this.
The French writer Stendhal defined it as a flower that grows in the face of the abyss, thus showing that talking about love is not an easy task.
However, it is an element of great importance in the development of people and with great influence on psychological well-being For some people there is no pain comparable to what can be produced by love issues.
It also becomes one of the greatest motivations in life, something always to pursue. For love or in the name of love we know that the most heroic and noble acts, the greatest follies and also the most brutal atrocities can occur.
Taking into account the different types of love, we are going to focus here on love within the couple and its influence on the relationship.
Perspectives on love
To begin with, let’s say that love can be understood from different perspectives, whether from philosophy, science and biology, from poetry and art, from different psychological currents, from evolutionary perspectives, etc.
For example, from philosophy, great thinkers like Plato and Aristotle show their disagreement towards what for them is love Aristotle would say that it is the most important feeling of the human being and that the mere fact of feeling it produces a pleasure not comparable to any other; Love for him would be like a single soul that inhabits two bodies.
Plato, for his part, would say that in love there is a desire to possess what one does not have, and then when one has it, discard it and desire it again.
Spinoza, for his part, would be in the middle of both positions, and would say that love is something that produces joy that comes from an external stimulus that makes you want more from the other than from yourself
For Smith, philosopher and economist, love is the rather mysterious response to something that attracts us to the mind and body of another person. And we could still continue to see positions that show us the complexity of the definition of it.
In art and literature, love will become a muse and inspiration, and from there an idealized love would sometimes be born, full of romanticism; It becomes giving everything for the loved one, sometimes being represented as dramatic and passionate.
From a biological perspective, it would be a means for the survival of the species influenced and mediated by chemicals and brain mechanisms. Starting in the 90s, psychiatrists, anthropologists and biologists found important correlations between levels of hormones such as serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin and love states such as sexual attraction, falling in love and stable love.
Various studies show that when we fall in love, serotonin levels plummet and the brain’s reward centers are invaded by dopamine, producing an effect similar to that of a drug.
On the other hand, the psychologist Robert Sternberg published the Triangular Theory of Love in 1986, whose influence on psychology has become quite notable. According to him, couple relationships are made up of three fundamental elements, Intimacy, Passion and Commitment, which would occupy the vertices of a supposed triangle that would show the different forms of love that can arise in a couple, depending on how those are related. components.
From cultural psychology, culture and history determine people’s mental states and psychological processes, and therefore also love. For Erich Fromm, love is an art, a voluntary action that can be learned, not a passion that is imposed against the will of those who experience it. Love would be according to him; decision, choice and attitude.
Love and couple
As we can see, it is not easy to talk about love and, above all, to define the term. Love is something that is influenced by multiple factors that interrelate with each other and is also not something static and permanent, but rather can vary over time, and specifically within a stable relationship affecting those established ways of life in which two people agree to share their existence in every sense.
We would also have to take into account the role played by eroticism and sexuality, a topic that we are not going to discuss at this moment, focusing more on love as a bond seen from couples therapy, and as that subjective way of loving that each one has, together with that of the other, it will generate a certain type of relationship, with its particular conflicts and satisfactions.
The topic is quite broad, so I am going to stick to those processes that I have observed the most from the clinic, and that have to do with self-esteem, and unconscious movements.
Love for others and our own self-esteem
In order to love, you must first love yourself it is necessary to have traveled the path of narcissism, a necessary step in the development of personality to be able to reach self-esteem.
The first relationship we have with love comes from the mother, father or figure who cares for us, and it will be the way in which we have perceived that love and fundamental appreciation in our way of loving. Later the achievement of achievements will influence, which can be social or academic. This usually occurs in the period of adolescence, when the relationship with peers is essential; This stage will influence our entire life and our relationships. And finally we have the valuation and appreciation of others as something fundamental for healthy self-esteem.
It is not so much how all this happens, but how it is perceived by the person, which will give rise to a certain way of loving ourselves, which in turn will influence how we love. That perception could have been one of not valuing or not having been loved, which means unconditional love will be sought in the other to heal that wound
Sometimes, in a love that is never enough, we also observe an insistent need to be valued and recognized by the other; we look for a partner to give us what we ourselves do not have.
unconscious processes
I call these mechanisms that I have observed in therapy and whose basis is unconscious, being necessary work aimed at being able to unravel those mechanisms that are acting
Projection
It consists of attributing things about oneself to another person. When this mechanism is present in the way a couple loves, it happens that they attribute to the other those things about themselves that they hate, promoting feelings of rejection, attacks and continuous blaming feeling that something about the other deeply bothers you, sometimes unjustifiably, without knowing exactly what it is.
Bond of love established asymmetrically
In couples, as in any relationship constituted by a bond of love, supporting and caring is of utmost importance sometimes it happens that one is placed in the position of caring, giving and supporting more than the other.
Not knowing how to differentiate what belongs to one and what belongs to the other
This also has to do with the establishment of the bond, in this case producing a symbiosis between the members of the couple.
The interpretation of love
And finally, another of the issues that I have observed the most in couples therapy is something that It has to do with the interpretation of love that each of the members of the couple has their perceptions and expectations placed on the relationship, which also have to do with attachment, with that need for love of the human being that begins in the first years of life and will continue throughout life.
These can be:
How would couples therapy help?
First of all, we would have to unraveling those unconscious processes that are acting on the couple’s discomfort to make them aware and be able to do something with them.
It is important that the couple understands what each one has to do with what the other complains about.
Knowing how to differentiate what belongs to one and what belongs to the other is an important step to pursue, in addition to recognizing the mutual dependencies that may exist.
Helping to identify what each person wants and desires from the other is sometimes as simple as talking about it and asking for it, but to do so we would have to know it without self-deception or confusion, because If we ourselves are confused, the way to convey it to the other person will be ambiguous and unclear generating misunderstandings and defensive behaviors of distancing and coldness in the other.
summarizing
There is no doubt that the love of a couple is totally different from other types of love and that is something difficult to define, it is not simple eroticism, nor just a desire to be with the other person, nor simple concern for the couple.
It is also important to differentiate the states of falling in love with love. The first state, although it carries very pleasant emotions, is a condition that tends to fade over time and with contact with the reality of everyday life, something that does not tolerate coexistence poorly, since this infatuation is based on the idealization of the another, in highlighting their qualities and avoiding or not seeing their defects, hence the saying that love is blind, the presence of the other becomes a necessity to be happy, feeling disgraced if they are not there.
It is a way of loving more based on oneself than on the other, on our own pleasure, satisfaction, feeling of fulfillment, since all of that is given to us by this state.
Love, unlike falling in love, occurs when interest is focused on the well-being of the other when we also try to help them in their individual development, and I do not mean that love dissolves the differences or conflicts that may arise in a relationship, but it does provide a firm basis to face them.
Need help?
If you need help on issues related to feelings or relationships, do not hesitate to ask for it, let’s not forget that the way we relate both with ourselves and with others will be essential for psychological well-being For this, it is important to know yourself, to know what you think and how you relate to your own feelings even if it seems incoherent to you.
I can help you in both individual and couples therapy, being able to assist you either in person or online.
