Morality And Resilience, How Sometimes They Help And Sometimes Hinder Each Other
The reason for this title is the surprise with which we discovered in the consultation how the people who ask us for help are influenced by family and social values, sometimes acting as a trench or refuge from the problem they bring, and other times reinforcing torture. suffering.
Although the concept of morality has a religious overtone, we will rely on it to illustrate What happens when personal values become rigid? and they do not allow second chances, marking a red and explosive line between what is right and what is wrong. And people who live at crossroads may be forced by the context to act against their own schemes, generating suffering and crises that are difficult to resolve.
In this article we will expose What happens when guidelines or norms are forged inside a person that lead to anguish and how it can be solved to finally allow yourself a break and move forward calmly. At the end of the day, that is what resilience consists of, facing adverse events successfully.
We consider values as those ideas, attitudes, philosophies to which the person gives value ; and if it is also consistent with said values, it is the person themselves who gains value in their own eyes.
It does not matter much if the values come from social, family or cultural norms, the important thing is that they become established in the human being, strengthening their ability to resolve the conflicts that life poses, generating security and motivating the search for experiences that add to the human being in his repertoire of pleasant memories.
Although the opposite can also happen, that they do not strengthen the human being but rather they crucify him and strip him of his dignity. This is the case of people who feel that they must strictly comply with their values, be successful, be responsible and good people, etc. In these cases there is discomfort, sometimes like a hammer on your head that dictates a sentence, other times like a knife that sticks into your heart, and the pain is unbearable, because it is never enough no matter what you do: There are always mistakes to point out, setbacks to punish and failures that warn as a bad omen.
Likewise, it may also occur that there is an absence of values, resulting in a response of indifference to events. In these cases, psychologically, we would talk about very serious problems that would prevent introspection or a healthy bond with other people.
The difference is critical depending on If a person’s very relationship with their values leads to suffering to comfort oneself or to indifference, since this determines the way of walking towards what one wants, of seeing others, of thinking about alternatives, of resolving conflicts, of looking at the past, of contemplating the future, etc.
When values turn against you
Values always start from learning, the same one we receive from the people who saw us born, who gave us life and introduced us to the world. Emotional Intelligence places a lot of emphasis on this aspect, not so much on what to teach, but on how to teach it, from what point of view or emotional state.
We usually meet people in consultation who try to resolve conflicts with themselves, and not only with the event that has unbalanced them. While we listen to them, we perceive what the way of speaking is That is, they can criticize themselves for not having acted, express that they will never be able to express what they feel, remain stuck in “I don’t want to think about it, no, no, no…”. When we go deeper and patients are aware of this way of communicating with themselves, we find that relationship with their referents.
These problems are common after having lived with fathers and mothers who were afraid when their child suffered and responded with anxiety (“don’t worry, don’t worry!”), or who firmly believed “the letter with blood enters” (“ If you don’t study, I will sign you up for a military school so that you learn to value effort”), or that due to the economic burden and pressure of work they could not be aware of the emotional state of their children (having them so young to resolve conflicts without wanting to tell anyone).
If no one has paid attention to this learning, these boys and girls will reach an adult world in which they will surely They will replicate this way of relating, increasing the likelihood of developing anxiety disorders, depression and obsessive disorders which are generally diseases resulting from a system that cannot cope with all the challenges presented to it.
When values become virtue and resilience
Confident, calm and attentive referents transmit the same values, but in this sense there is a big difference. Security does not mean in any case “whatever happens you will be able to do everything”, a Mr. Wonderful-style message that transmits anxiety beyond the overstimulation that produces an illusion of control. The true meaning of security, as an emotional state, is knowing how to be present, whether things are going well or badly, whether you are right or wrong, since what is truly important is the relationship, not the result.
An adult who recognizes that he is wrong, even if he screws up, is a safe adult, since he will look at his son or daughter with the same eyes, who will observe “what happened” when he has failed or has been hurt, and will leave a side the “what have you done”, that message so counterproductive that it is loaded with guilt.
What are you transmitting from security? That there is always the possibility of choosing, that not everything is fighting, that you can surrender to lick your wounds, that strength is found in tranquility and not in aggressiveness, that dissenting from an adult’s opinion is a right, that you are loved both in good times and bad.
Patients who have received this type of Secure Attachment are able to experience what is outside their internal norms to explore more options and not fall into eternal punishment, learn from the result and always be able to choose, essential to adapt to the world.
What can you do when the battle of courage makes you suffer?
Although we have focused on fathers and mothers as references, all people can make the mistakes we have seen. And that is the key, that values are reinforced when they work with other people We are social beings, we need others, even if they have the capacity to harm us, hence the benefit of being selective.
Anyone who has grown up with internal messages that block them, hurt them, saturate them… has lived positive experiences on their own, part of the growth process (experiences at university, related to work, sports, art, being a father or mother, etc.), only that until now their brain only selected those memories that are closely linked to internal messages, hence when they come for a consultation they express that “I have always been bad.”
Teach that mind with resources its own capabilities It is part of the work we do at Terapéutica en Alza, transmitting security from calm and professionalism, always respecting what the person who suffers wants to achieve, maintaining their own values, which always functioned as a whip that imposed punishment, and now They will become that companion who helps, with effort and perseverance, to pave the way towards a possible future.
