Narcissistic Families: 21 Characteristics And How To Recognize Them
No family is perfect. There is always something that prevents us from saying definitively that our childhood was completely happy since some argument, inappropriate comment or emotional tension clouded one or another day of our childhood.
This does not mean that all families are bad, but that they are human. It is not possible to have a perfect and happy family, and anyone who says that is lying to themselves and to others. However, this does not mean that there are no dysfunctional and toxic families.
There are several characteristics that we can identify in the narcissistic family Throughout the following paragraphs, we are going to delve into the roles, process, structure and way of understanding the intrafamilial relationships of this dysfunctional type of family.
Narcissistic families: common characteristics and how to recognize them
On more than one occasion our family has done or said something that we didn’t like. We all have some thorn in our side, something that our parents did to us that prevents us from talking about our childhood as a completely happy period. Nobody is perfect and families are even less so, a reality that does not mean that all of them are dysfunctional or bad, but rather demonstrates the fact that good things and bad things happen in all families, overcoming adversity when it occurs.
There is no family that lives happily and in peace every day of its life, since in life there are ups and downs and family units are influenced by them. However, there are better and worse families, and narcissistic ones are an example of this. They are families where the damage is very deep and frequent, characterized by rigidity, blaming, emotional manipulation and ruthless criticism.
A narcissistic family is one in which the parents’ needs are at the center and the children are expected to satisfy them, the reverse pattern of a healthy family. Instead of the father or mother who acts as a healthy family model and supports the children and encourages their development, it is the children themselves who perform these roles. All of this leads to an environment in which there is neglect, abuse and denial, unrealistic expectations, lack of empathy, and constant conflict.
The characteristics of narcissistic families are varied and in the next sections we will see them delving into the roles the formation processes and silent rules present in them.
Roles in the narcissistic family
In the narcissistic family we can recognize several roles carried out by its members. Each family member contributes in their own way to providing the family with toxicity and dysfunction but what makes this a narcissistic family is without a doubt the presence of a main narcissist who makes the family revolve around him.
1. Primary narcissist
This role is usually played by one of the parents, usually the father The narcissist carries a deep emotional wound, whose origin dates back to childhood, which has caused him to develop a grandiose, perfectionist personality, intolerant of mistakes. Since his self-concept and self-esteem are very fragile, the main narcissist needs to highlight the misfortunes and weaknesses of others to keep his ego high.
Added to this, this character uses his own children and spouse as if they were a chess board, assigning roles at his or her convenience and, if they do not do what he or she wants, conflict arises. That is why her children spend a good part of their time thinking about how to avoid such conflicts with their father or mother and avoid their ruthless and acidic anger.
The main narcissist doesn’t even fit this name. He takes his own needs as a priority, then those of others if it means some kind of benefit. From this type of thinking he builds abusive, negligent and harmful behavior for life as a family and as a couple. If someone dares to confront him or her and rebels against him or her, he or she is not able to understand such ingratitude and vents his or her rage and paranoia against the dissident.
2. Codependent
The codependent could also be the narcissist’s accomplice. It is the one that facilitates the behavior of the main narcissist and usually falls on the figure of the spouse or one of the children, especially the oldest. They are those people who want to convey the message that “nothing is wrong”, that all this is normal, denying the obvious fact that they are in a family with toxic and abusive dynamics, often incurring verbal, psychological and physical abuse. .
The codependent has so little self-esteem that it leads him to accept a supposed smallness compared to the grandeur that the main narcissist displays, even if it is nothing more than a facade. Codependents receive manipulative treatment, alternating kindness with abuse and humiliation.
3. Flying monkeys
Flying monkeys are usually children or other family members. They are the family members who take on the dirty work of the narcissistic family, consisting of one or more family members who actively seek criticism and conflict. They generate and maintain tension motivated by the principle of “divide and conquer.”
They are experts in creating sides, generating situations of two or more against one. Those involved in these conflicts change over time and after each crisis, chosen by these flying monkeys both on their own and guided by the main narcissist. You could say that they are little narcissists, apprentices of the master, the main narcissist.
4. Golden child
His name says it all. The golden child is the favorite, the one idealized by the narcissistic parent, made in the image and likeness of the desires that his father has. He complies with everything the narcissist asks of him, showing blind obedience which leads to isolation from the other members of the family, who see him as the spoiled little boy. However, he also carries a heavy burden on his shoulders, as the slightest failure, disappointment, or shred of critical thinking will turn him from favorite to scapegoat.
5. Scapegoat
In narcissistic families, the presence of someone who acts as a scapegoat is essential The pathological system chooses who will play this role based on how different they are from the group or how far they are from what is seen as “the ideal member” of the family. They may be a rebellious person, critical of the family, or empathetic towards those who are victims of the main narcissist. This causes them to be blamed for the problems, also being victims of the narcissist and his flying monkeys.
6. Neutral son
The neutral child aims to act as a retaining wall between the pathological narcissists and the rest of the family He wants to get things to calm down and chooses not to take sides between them. Despite its neutrality, in a naturally pathological and dysfunctional environment such as that of a narcissistic family, not taking sides is unhealthy, in addition to the fact that one cannot enjoy good mental health while trying to contain an unbearable reality such as family psychological abuse. .
The lost child is the invisible son, not seen or taken into account by his own parents Their strategy to survive family narcissism is not to make noise, not to be noticed or make demands since despite being ignored, in this type of family it seems that it is more profitable for them to ignore you than for them to bully you.
But despite applying a defense to go unnoticed by their own parents and avoid being a victim of the main narcissist’s attacks, this also means that they are the ones who suffer the most from the drama of emotional neglect.
Formation and maintenance processes of the narcissistic family
Each family is a world and this also applies to narcissistic families. However, it is true that we can identify a series of shared processes between this type of group that causes them to become pathological, in addition to maintaining pathological styles in the interpersonal relationships.
1. Parentification
Parentification is the reversal of roles between parents and children. One of the children, usually the oldest, is chosen to carry out tasks that are not appropriate for his age among them taking care of siblings, cooking, being a confidant, and even bringing money home.
Parentification represents a serious limitation of the freedoms and rights of children and adolescents that brings with it great psychological damage, since the young person feels frustrated at not being able to behave like a child of their age. He may feel special or more important for a while, but when he grows up he will suffer the consequences, including believing that love must be earned by working.
2. Gaslight
Gaslighting is a sadly common behavior. It consists of making another person doubt their own perceptions of reality, making him think that he has a mental disorder or some type of cognitive dysfunction, showing him a twisted or distorted reality depending on what the main narcissist wants to achieve. It is, without a doubt, a sign of psychological abuse.
3. Projection
Projection consists of seeing thoughts, feelings, attitudes and beliefs in other people that are actually your own, but that you are not willing to accept or recognize. Projection is typical in the narcissist, since there is nothing that distorts one’s perception of oneself than one’s own vanity.
4. Defamation
Smear campaigns are common in narcissistic families, constants whose only variable is the victim and the reason for which they are defamed. Gossip, lies, pejorative comments… behaviors typical of a playground with spoiled teenagers but perpetrated by parents and children.
The reason behind it can be very diverse, but Revenge for having been offended or fear that the victim will unmask some mistake that the main narcissist committed is usually common and put down his manipulative power.
5. Idealization and devaluation
Situations of unhealthy competition are common in narcissistic families. Narcissistic parents or children seek to divide and confront their children, siblings and other family members in order to better control them. One of the best strategies for this is to idealize some and devalue others, or in other words, favor some and destroy others.
On the one hand we have to exaggerate the benefits of some children, bragging about them in front of the other children, while on the other they apply devaluation tactics such as criticizing, blaming, humiliating and shaming those children who have taken a mania and have become become scapegoats. Be that as it may, in both cases the narcissist is unable to objectively see what the person they are idealizing is like and what the person they are devaluing is like.
Finally, we are going to see a series of rules and behaviors that regulate the functioning of the narcissistic family, which can help us recognize this type of family unit.
The silent rules that follow are the result of the hard work done by educator and journalist Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free,” a book that has helped thousands of people to free themselves from their narcissistic family environments.
1. Conditional acceptance
To achieve acceptance from their parents, children must comply with what adults tell them to do, complying with the family narrative and value system. Any aspect that differs from what is expected of them, no matter how minor, is rejected and even pathologized.
2. Submission
Major narcissists expect the rest of the family to submit to their designs regardless of whether your requests are totally arbitrary, cruel and derogatory towards the mental and physical health of the people you are asking the favor of.
3. There is always a scapegoat
All narcissistic families have a scapegoat. When the father loses his job, the mother burns the food, a little brother breaks a toy… whatever happened, someone must foot the bill, even if it had nothing remotely to do with it. The scapegoat must bear the burden of others, their frustrations and unhappiness, as well as the projected self-hatred of the primary narcissist.
4. Accidents seen as weaknesses
The slightest mistake, no matter how accidental and unconscious, is seen as a weakness that will cause the primary narcissist to treat the person who made it in an embarrassing and humiliating way, even for several years.
5. Absolute partiality
In these families it is almost impossible to maintain a neutral position since all its members are immersed in dynamics of “either you are with me or you are against me.” If you are not on the side of the dominant narcissist he will always blame you.
Trying not to take sides as an adult in this type of family is complicated, but possible, what is not so difficult is when you are a child and have to take sides towards one of the two parents, a brother or other family members. .
6. There is never enough love and respect to go around
Love and respect are limited resources in narcissistic families Narcissistic parents only invest these types of resources in their favorite child or whoever they consider worthy of love and respect. There is no middle ground: if they respect one child they disrespect the others.
7. Repression of emotions
Emotions are seen as a sign of weakness and are repressed in narcissistic families. Although feelings make us human, helping us connect and adapt to the social context, in this type of family they are considered a sign of selfishness and egocentrism.
This, however, is different when they are expressed by the main narcissist, the only person considered worthy of expressing his concerns, emotions and opinions, even if this means disrespecting his family.
8. Angry outbursts from the primary narcissist
Family members have to swallow and endure the primary narcissist’s outbursts of anger, characterized as irrational and unjustified. He behaves in a despotic manner towards his children, regardless of their age or their degree of understanding of what the narcissist attributes to them having done. These intense attacks of disproportionate anger are worrying, a possible symptom of mental disorder.
9. Constant denial of abuse
In narcissistic families, despite having a long history of moments full of tension and abuse, these are systematically denied, especially by the dominant narcissist It is common for them to even maintain that their family is really healthy and functional, the example of a perfect family, despite the obvious problems that exist in it, materialized in:
