Negative Self-talk: What It Is, How It Affects Us And How To Manage It
The way we talk to ourselves in the depths of our minds influences both how we feel and how we relate to the world and others.
If our internal dialogue is negative, it can distort our interpretation of reality.making us feel bad and behave in an ineffective way when faced with the problems that make up our daily lives.
Learning to change our self-talk is essential to changing our emotions and behaviors. By replacing our negative and demoralizing thoughts with positive and motivating ones, we will be able to enjoy greater well-being and have a more constructive vision of reality. Let’s find out how to get it.
A wise proverb is attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, which is perfect for explaining today’s topic:
“Take care of your thoughts because they will become words. Take care of your words because they will become actions. Take care of your actions because they will become habits. Take care of your habits because they will shape your character. Take care of your character because it will form your destiny. And your destiny will be your life.”
What we say to ourselves and repeat in our minds can condition our way of seeing the world and relating to it.. If we have positive, hopeful and happy thoughts, we will perceive the world as a safe place, full of opportunities and, also, in which we can grow and relate healthily with others.
On the other hand, if we think in negative terms, telling ourselves that we are not worth it or reminding ourselves of the bad things we did in the past, we will be filled with frustrations, fears and insecurity, seeing the world as a dangerous place and in which our day-to-day problems They are unsurpassable.
We can define negative self-talk as the train of thought we have with ourselves in the form of silent chatter in which we say bad things to ourselvesnegative aspects of our person or the world.
Our mental voice reminds us of our weaknesses, exaggerates threats, and even attributes mistakes to us that we did not actually commit or had little responsibility for. Our worst critic is ourselves, and it is through this type of dialogue that we beat ourselves up.
This may not seem relevant to more than one person. Is it so negative to say bad things to yourself from time to time? It is true that we are not always going to think in a positive, happy and wonderful way, since too many things happen to us in this life to always think in a happy way, now, there is an important difference between having a negative thought from time to time and another time. is to turn it into a constant dialogue in the privacy of our minds.
That continuous hum can greatly condition our lives, so much so that it prevents us from enjoying it, changes our behavior and makes us feel terrible.
The content of our mind is made up of thoughts, interpretations, expectations and internal self-talk. All of this can be expressed in the form of phrases and images.
When our thoughts or the dialogue we maintain with ourselves are negative, dramatic and irrefutable, the interpretation we make of reality is distorted, giving rise to emotions and ways of facing the world and experiences that are out of adjustment to the real situation that triggers them.
Psychological effects of negative self-talk
Negative self-talk can be tremendously harmful to our mental health and the performance of our daily activities, so much so that its appearance in the form of obsessive ideas could be a symptom of a mental disorder like OCD.
This does not mean that showing negative internal dialogue necessarily means that we have psychopathology, however, it is true that it is something worrying enough to try to put an end to it.
The relationship between our thoughts and our emotions is strong and close.: If we have negative thoughts, we will feel negative emotions. Considering that our emotions drive our behavior, exaggerated or disproportionate thoughts about a negative situation will trigger intense emotional reactions that will lead to inappropriate and maladaptive behaviors.
In turn, our ineffective behavior will cause us to make more mistakes, which will feed and originate new negative thoughts and, consequently, unpleasant emotions will be experienced again intensely that will cause problems when facing the world. That is, a whole vicious circle of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors is generated.
Causes: why do we talk badly to each other?
As with many of our behaviors, our thoughts are learned, something also applicable to the type of internal dialogue we maintain with ourselves. Without underestimating genetics, the truth is that what strongly determines our way of thinking, feeling and behaving are the experiences we have. If we have learned to talk to ourselves in a certain way, this means that we can also learn to do it in another. In other words, it is possible to unlearn negative self-talk and learn positive self-talk, which is much more constructive and desirable.
The causes behind our having negative internal dialogue can be multiple. Virtually any aspect of a person’s daily life, personality, and experiences may have conditioned their mind to engage in critical self-talk.. Personality traits have a lot of influence, something very visible in anxious people who tend to interpret situations of any kind as more threatening than they really are.
We cannot ignore the effect of our social relationships. The family, as the first environment of socialization, shapes our way of thinking, conditioning our positive or negative way of seeing the world.
For example, if we had very strict parents, who relativized our successes and focused on our failures, it is likely that we always think about all the bad things we do, leaving aside all the good things that we undoubtedly do. Friendships, especially toxic ones, also condition our way of thinking in a similar way.
Lived experiences are quite important. It is common for us to judge our worth, capabilities, and how well or badly we think something is going to turn out based on what we have already experienced. If, for example, we once made a mistake, it is likely that we take that mistake into account every time we try to do something that is related to the situation in which we made a mistake.
Cognitive biases involved in this dialogue
In most cases, our negative self-talk is the result of a misinterpretation of reality, an interpretation which is a consequence of various cognitive biases, distortions that make us perceive reality partially. Among the cognitive biases that influence our way of interpreting reality and, therefore, can cause negative internal dialogue are:
These four main biases are associated with a wide repertoire of intense and negative emotions, which give rise to behavior that is poorly adjusted to the situation that chains them. If you can identify them, you can begin to stop negative internal dialogue.
Related article: “Cognitive biases: discovering an interesting psychological effect”
How to stop negative self-talk
As we have seen, negative self-talk greatly affects our emotions and behavior and reduces our well-being and ability to cope with the demands of everyday life.
It can affect our family, social and work relationships, in addition to preventing us from behaving adaptively. for the opportunities, challenges and complex situations that are part of life. Therefore, by changing the internal dialogue to a positive one, it is expected that we will feel more motivated, enjoy greater well-being and take advantage of all the good that life has to offer us.
To stop negative internal dialogue, we can rely on the following four tips.
1. Detect the relationship between your thoughts, emotions and behavior
At the moment of experiencing a very intense negative emotion, try to stop that moment, even if it is difficult.
Write down on a sheet of paper what caused it, what you thought, what you said to yourself and how you interpreted the situation in which it arose.. Also write down your feelings and the behaviors associated with them. This is the first step, since in this way we will detect both the origin and behavioral consequences of our negative internal dialogue.
2. Are they reasonable thoughts?
Identify your thoughts and consider whether or not they are reasonable. A reasonable thought is one that can be contrasted by experience, empirically, and that is not exaggerated for what caused it.
On the other hand, unreasonable thinking is based on unprovable assumptions, It is expressed in a dramatic and exaggerated way and produces emotions so intense that they interfere with our ability to solve problems..
3. Try to generate an alternative thought
Once we have understood the relationship between our thoughts, emotions and behavior, in addition to assessing how unreasonable they are, we are going to try to generate an alternative thought in a positive way.
To do this, we can use the sheet of paper from the first tip, writing next to the original negative thought a positive thought, something that can replace it and that does not cause us unpleasant and intense emotions. Think of possibilities for that thought that are more in line with reality and do not cause you so much emotional discomfort.
4. Go to the psychologist
As we said, negative self-talk can be a symptom of a psychological problem and, therefore, professional help will be required to treat it. These types of dialogues are present in the minds of people with depression, anxiety and OCD, among others, problems that can be very disabling and only through the help of a psychotherapist can they notice improvement.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is especially notable., since with this type of treatment we will learn techniques for managing negative internal self-talk, which will improve our emotional state and help us deal with day-to-day problems. Among them we can highlight Beck’s cognitive therapy and Ellis’s rational emotive therapy, which can put an end to, or at least stop, this boring and destructive negative internal dialogue.
