Passive Aggression: The Silent Enemy Of Relationships
You, or someone you know, is probably going through difficult times when it comes to their personal relationships.
For example, many people have felt that their attitude was disqualified or rejected and at the same time they cannot understand what was really causing this problem.
Today We share Dominique’s testimony with you, 34 years old, who sought professional help a few years ago for a problem that is common but about which little is said. Dominique is a professional with multiple occupations that allow him to maintain a balance between work, life, personal growth and recreation. She has been involved for the most recent 6 years with Noa, with whom she has shared her space and her free time for years.
Dominique considers that she has led a normal life, she expresses that from an early age she lived well; that although he grew up in a family that was not perfect due to the multiple arguments that existed between his parents, these discussions did not prevent him from staying away from the conflict and diving into his fantasy, into those childhood games that allowed him to believe that everything was fine.
He currently enjoys in adulthood what he considers a good quality of life; In addition, he has achieved some of the goals that he most desired and that he had set out to achieve.
However, lately Dominique feels that there are moments that are not allowing her to feel good, worries and problems that keep her awake. She considers that her inner peace is affected by attitudes that in her opinion are inappropriate on the part of Noa. She mentions that these attitudes are clearly marked by “incorrect” ways in that person’s communication. During the most recent 2 months there have been moments of difficulty caused by attitudes that generate distancing and lack of communication.
Faced with this problem, Dominique has suggested that Noa go for professional care; However, it seems that Noa found this offensive. The response that Dominique got from Noa was: “You take care of yourself.”
Dominique has decided to seek professional help, and even when he sees that Noa shows no interest in changing this situation, he does not want his fulfillment plans and his life in general to be affected, including also the professional aspect, because of what is happening and what hurts him. Furthermore, he considers that his communication with Noa is an important part of the balance in her relationship life. Noa is the person with whom Dominique shares much of her free time.
If Dominique has gone for professional help it is because he cares about Noa as a person, but he has come to think that there is no way to solve the problem and he fears that everything could be lost.
The conflicts have intensified to the point where Dominique has an enormous desire to get away. She feels rejection and lack of interest in her well-being.
Sharing space with a person who does not seem to have the slightest interest in cohabiting a space in a harmonious and communicative way seems to Dominique as much as living with a stranger in her own home.
Given this situation, the professional who received Dominique’s case began by asking some questions. Once she has identified the problem and the intense discomfort that the problem causes Dominique, our professional evaluates and strives to help her. Can identify what is defined as “passive aggression” or passive-aggressive behavior in Noa.
Ask other questions to find out if Dominique has ever assumed the same role as Noa; Even if the conflict has escalated, if there are actions that complicate the solution for any of them: accusation, pointing out or disqualification towards the attitude that each person shows within the relationship…
Passive aggression problems
What you have read is part of a relational bond that is not easy to detect but that affects relationships in millions of people around the world Only a therapist with years of training and professional practice can identify and address these types of problems in the best way.
Let’s identify some of the reasons that today are causing what we call “passive aggression.”
In a relationship, when one of the members has been denying their own desires, needs and interests, submitting almost all activities (such as hobbies, social events, specific schedules and days) to the decision of the other person to carry out what becomes activities within the relationship, sooner or later it manifests an effect that causes distancing and a feeling of discomfort in some of the people
Every relationship requires a balance that allows those in it to express their desires and needs. When a person within the relationship reaches the point of what has been called “defenselessness” (the inability to express or “defend” what is important to them beyond the wishes of the other person) said relationship can lead over time. of time in passive aggression as a consequence of one of the people not seeing their most important desires and needs resolved.
Like people, we might be tempted to look for the “culprit” of this which is causing discomfort to both parties within this bond.
Fortunately, our therapist has conducted multiple processes for years that allow her to intervene professionally and first help Dominique rescue her well-being and inner peace. She helps him avoid blaming himself for what is happening. Additionally, she asks Dominique if some small changes in her relationship with Noa can help them both without Dominique putting her assertiveness at risk, incorporating the possibility that both people are willing to start that process by which things improve in a special way.
We have known for decades that when only one person in a relationship goes to therapy, the reason for going to therapy is likely to be resolved; However, since there was no awareness on the part of those who did not participate in the process, Since a change has not arisen in one of the people, in many cases the relationship cannot be rescued
Assertiveness as the basis of well-being and human relationships
As we define it, assertiveness, which comes from the Latin assertus (“affirm”), can be interpreted as a need by which the person requires to affirm their expectations or desires, and that is practiced without implying hurting or disregarding the needs and desires of others.
What in this case had been happening with Noa, and that our therapist had to elucidate to find a solution to Dominique’s discomfort, is a dependency relationship in which there is a lack of assertiveness and, as a consequence, there is an imbalance in the needs of one of the people who comprise it. However, in this situation it is not necessary to look for blame.
If we start to analyze this case, we can conclude that Noa’s attitude could have been crossed out or disqualified, but if we pay attention to her discomfort or “her reasons”, even if they are not expressed adequately, we could be seeing, from her point of view , a “justified” attitude in which Noa could have thought that consideration was required for her problem.
Attitudes depend largely on the justification we have for assuming them depending on what we have learned that works. In human communication, when something stops working, it becomes “dysfunctional” and the best opportunity to resolve it is working on it taking into consideration all the people who are part of the system
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In each relationship and in each person, situations can be very diverse, and it is not correct to give the same answer to multifactorial problems with very different origins. Ask about the situation that affects you so you can have professional guidance from one of the therapists on our team.
With ENDI En Directo you have a multidisciplinary team at your service. Consult the therapist who will help you resolve communication situations without disqualifying or judging the attitude that is occurring in your experience; All of them could be addressed and resolved so that you achieve your goals. Helping you enjoy your life more and achieve greater achievements is part of our job.
Note: The people referred to in this article have given written authorization to mention their case, as well as its evolution and the resolution of the problem addressed. In order to protect privacy and with the reservations of the case, the names of the people who authorized sharing this testimony have been changed. In this way, current privacy protocols are respected..
