Perfectionism In Relationships: How It Affects Us And What To Do
Perfectionism is a quality that many manifest, something that has its good things but also some bad things. This quality can have negative effects not only in the professional field, but also in the couple.
Being a person who wants everything to turn out well, for everything to be perfect, can be a real headache for those people with more conformist tastes, in the sense that they do not need to look for perfection in what is already good as it is. .
Being in a relationship with a highly perfectionist person can be difficult, especially if there are conflicts resulting from one having very high expectations about the relationship that the other does not seem to satisfy. Let’s tackle perfectionism in relationships and what are its implications
Perfectionism is often considered a positive trait, and it can be if it occurs in an adaptive and functional way. Being a good perfectionist, in the sense of wanting things to turn out very well, avoiding any possible failure and striving to ensure that everything turns out perfect, is something desired by many and possessed by few. This does not mean that there are few perfectionists. There are many, but there are profiles that, far from being able to do things well, what they achieve with their high demands and low tolerance for errors is frustration, conflicts and tensions.
Perfectionism can trap us, causing us to become obsessed with doing everything possible to make something go well, at the expense of our physical and mental health Those who strive to get the smallest and most unimportant detail right waste time and wear themselves out physically and psychologically. And it not only affects them individually because, in addition, the environment close to the perfectionist person can end up fed up with their absurdly high standards and with them constantly telling them the things they do wrong.
Perfectionism in relationships is especially harmful. This trait can lead to the paradoxical situation of turning love life into something extremely frustrating and disappointing , source of all kinds of conflicts and tensions. A person hardly wants to go out with someone who says that he loves him but who constantly reminds him that he does things wrong, that he is not following his “method” or that he has many flaws.
Not all perfectionist people are the same and, consequently, the way in which perfectionism manifests itself in relationships varies. Next we are going to talk about different types of them and what their implication is in human relationships.
1. Who sets unattainable goals
One of the textbook perfectionist profiles is someone who sets unattainable and unrealistic goals. These are people who set goals that they will achieve with very little probability, which will bring them a lot of frustration. Furthermore, they are individuals who do not accept their weaknesses and are very critical of themselves.
It is difficult for them to understand that we are all human, that no one is perfect and therefore, they have defects that, no matter how hard they try, it is difficult for them to change. As they continue to be determined to change what cannot be changed, they feel a lot of emotional discomfort
This profile does not necessarily imply harm to your life as a couple, but it does make it difficult to be dating someone who is not able to see the positive in themselves and who is constantly frustrated because they have very ambitious goals but cannot achieve them.
Depression and anxiety are two common problems in this profile in addition to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
2. Who wants social recognition
There is another perfectionist profile that is also very common. This is about someone who wants to be liked by others, who wants to obtain a lot of social recognition. Wants to be accepted and avoid criticism It is not good to hear negative phrases about him or his actions.
People who present this type of perfectionism may incur obsessive behaviors that provide some type of benefit at a social level For example, if they want to be recognized socially for their physique, they will join a gym and spend hours and hours training. They will never feel satisfied with the exercise routine, and will try to increase the difficulty.
Whatever obsessive behavior they perform, the fact that they do it means less time to spend as a couple. Furthermore, if your obsession involves investing a lot of energy, as is the case with the physical exercise we just saw, this will make you less likely to do activities with your partner once you are with your partner especially if you see them as something that takes away your time to improve that skill or characteristic that you believe will bring you some social recognition.
Finally, we have the perfectionist who sees the mistakes in others to satisfy his own demands. He is the one who believes that no one does it well, only him. This is the profile that can bring the most social conflict Because, as he sees others as people who do not know how to do things as they should, following his “method”, he initiates conflict with anyone. This is the profile that can dynamite the coexistence of a couple.
The detector of other people’s errors incessantly criticizes how others do things and does not tolerate other people’s mistakes. In the workplace, it is easy to recognize it in the figure of the boss who is never happy with your work or in the office colleague who considers that his colleagues are all incompetent. In the realm of a couple, it would be the boyfriend or wife who tries to tell us, incessantly, how we have to do things to make things go well at home.
In relationships, perfectionist people of this type get irritated easily. They do not tolerate “mistakes” (what they consider to be such) and blame others using acid sarcasm, insults and shouting when describing the erratic behavior of the person they claim to love. As you can imagine, this is an extremely toxic attitude, harmful to the mental health and self-esteem of the other person and that sometimes incurs mistreatment
The person who is reprimanded by his or her perfectionist partner may respond in several ways. One of these is to not sit idly by, bounce back, and show feelings of rage and helplessness. If it is a person who needs the approval of others, it can give rise to constant arguments, in addition to a loss of self-esteem if the reprimanded person attributes superiority to the perfectionist person or there is emotional dependence of some kind.
How to handle this perfectionism without damaging the relationship?
Overcoming perfectionism in relationships is complex. To achieve this, you must first make the perfectionist person aware of how this trait is limiting her happiness and conditions her relationship with her boyfriend/husband. Getting rid of perfectionism is something that requires a long process of self-knowledge and reflection, and it is preferable to have professional help, especially from a couples psychologist.
The two recommendations that follow can help us reflect on how perfectionism in our relationship may have been damaging our happiness
1. Analyze the effects of this trait on our partner
In order to overcome this type of perfectionism, a good idea is to analyze what effects it is having on the couple. It may be that every time our partner does something, we believe that he has done it wrong, we tell him so and a conflict arises. It can also happen that, determined to do something the right way (for example, cleaning the bathroom), we dedicate hours and hours to it while we put aside our love life.
It could be many things. The point is that once identified and analyzed, when we do those problematic perfectionist behaviors again, we can stop and think about when to do them and put a stop to them It’s not easy, but this is better than not being aware of what perfectionist behaviors affect our relationship.
You may be interested: “12 tips to better manage arguments as a couple”
2. Reflect on what perfectionism brings to our partner
As we have mentioned, being a perfectionist does not have to be a bad thing. Wanting things to turn out well and making an effort to make sure they do is not something bad in itself, quite the opposite. Nevertheless, It is when this becomes an obsession and a relational and mental health problem that we can see that it has become something harmful
One of the ways to see if our perfectionism is problematic for our partner is to see what it brings to our relationship, and also what it takes away from it. Sometimes, when we concentrate on a purpose excessively, We don’t realize how much time we waste doing that while we are not spending it with our partner Others are the amount of conflict that wanting things well done brings us, instead of satisfaction from having everything perfect.
Whatever the specific consequence may be, the point is that if our perfectionism causes more inconveniences than advantages for our partner, we are facing a problem that we should solve. Having said this, it would be advisable to go to psychotherapy, both individually and as a couple, and try to overcome the problem with a professional.
