Psychology Of Forgiveness: How To Heal Emotional Wounds
Human beings constantly walk the tightrope between hurting and being hurt. Pain is an inherent part of human life, and most of the time it is caused by other humans. Whether because of the way we act or the words we choose to communicate, we can have a negative impact on others even if that was not our initial intention.
On the other hand, we have all been hurt at some point, even people we love very much: a brother who approached us aggressively in our childhood, a mother who does not respect our limits, or a couple when they say a last sentence. this is as far as we come. These emotional wounds can simmer inside us for many years. So much so that we have the ability to hold resentment towards people who are no longer present in our lives. This makes all the sense in the world: it is more than valid to be offended, angry or sad as a result of the actions of others that we consider unfair or offensive. Deciding to remain in those emotions is an acceptable decision for those who wish to do so. However, the alternative of choosing to forgive the other could represent a much more liberating experience than it seems. In this article we will develop the contributions of the Psychology of Forgiveness to heal emotional wounds and build a life free of dispensable burdens.
It is understandable that people, upon hearing the proposal to forgive, ask themselves the following question: why should I forgive the person who hurt me? In fact, this attitude responds to something elementary. Broadly speaking, when we find ourselves facing aversive people, places or events—that is, in which we could potentially be harmed or experience discomfort—human beings have an evolutionary backpack that invites us to move away from those stimuli, with the objective to adapt to the environment effectively. The resistance to forgiving someone who has hurt us does not arise out of nowhere, but has this foundation. This also explains that being hurt by others has, at first, affective, cognitive and behavioral effects on people
When someone offends us, we usually experience feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, and a feeling of having been betrayed by the other. We can also ask questions about why the offender behaved this way, or fantasize about getting revenge on him. Finally, on a behavioral level, people tend to avoid those who have hurt us with the aim of distancing ourselves and ensuring that the situation does not happen again, although we can also choose other actions, such as public expression of crying or confrontation. to the aggressor.
However, in recent years, different research teams have focused on the potential of forgiveness as a resource to alleviate discomfort when we are hurt. The idea of forgiveness is not entirely new, as a wide range of religions have characterized forgiveness as a divine virtue or an attitude to adopt in the face of life’s challenges. But the forgiveness that was tested in experimental studies has nothing to do with spirituality, but rather it is a psychological resource (among several possible ones) to overcome the subjective experience of resentment towards someone Taking this into account, before delving into the practice, we must distinguish the modalities that forgiveness can take.
The two types of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process that can be conceived both in a negotiated way – that is, involving the aggressor – and unilaterally – with complete independence from him. Negotiated forgiveness involves promoting dialogue between the aggressor and the victim with the objective that the former recognizes his action, assumes responsibility for it and expresses his regret for what he has done. This type of forgiveness, comparable to the ability to apologize, is extremely useful for resolving interpersonal conflicts. However, We know well that this situation is not always possible Many times, the aggressor is not present, does not recognize that he has done harm, or if he does, it could happen that he says things like “it wasn’t that big of a deal,” invalidating the victim’s reaction or the effects of her actions on him. she.
Interpersonal forgiveness does not take place in all relationships and moments of life. However, intrapersonal forgiveness is independent of the presence of the other to heal. This way of forgiving is an act unrelated to the actions of the aggressor, both in the past and in the present and future, in which the injured person does not intend to receive something in exchange for forgiveness. In other words, the other is not expected to change or apologize for what happened, but rather it is an entirely individual process. The act of letting go of a very heavy burden is what motivates her to forgive. In a way, it follows the logic of this quote from Mark Twain: “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.”. It doesn’t matter that the heel continues its course, it is the violet that secretes its pure aroma, even after being damaged.
Tips to forgive someone who hurt me
One-way or intrapersonal forgiveness is enough to heal emotional wounds. In fact, scientific research suggests that forgiveness-based treatments result in positive changes regarding variables such as depression, anxiety, and hope. This is such a powerful skill that even interventions with children based on forgiveness have proven to be very effective in reducing their discomfort.
The process of forgiving is private and subjective, which is why the person carries it out according to their personal experiences and the particularities of the relationship with the offender. Beyond this, based on the common points that clinical treatments focused on forgiveness usually have, below we list some suggestions to heal emotional wounds:
These tips can serve to forgive others and thus lighten that burden that can accompany us for a long, long time. Finally, we believe it is necessary to emphasize that the best way to deal with situations in which we have been harmed is always, if it is within our means, to consult with a psychotherapist.
