In the month of May, World Maternal Mental Health Day is celebrated. A day to raise awareness about mothers’ mental health problems, so that more women seek help, receive appropriate treatment and suffer less.
The celebration of this day is quite unknown, but I find it very interesting not so much for the idea of demanding assistance, but for showing that The process that goes from wanting a child until a child comes into the world and a couple becomes parents is not idyllic It is an experience that, in addition to expectation and excitement, can bring with it uncertainty, unforeseen events, traumatic events, anguish, ambivalent feelings…
From the previous desire to conceive a child to the first moments of parenting, there is a wide variety of situations that comprise this period:
It is clear that I have left many situations behind, and there is someone who does not identify with any of the ones I have listed. It would be impossible to list them all, because there can be as many reasons for consultation as there are people. But… Why would someone who is looking to get pregnant, or is pregnant, or a new mother, consult a professional?
Psychological well-being in the process of being a mother
Everything can happen normally, or rather without any surprises, but the person may find themselves in a tense situation, or their life difficulties may be accentuated at that moment, or they may be overwhelmed by doubts and fears, to the point of causing suffering that makes them consult..
It may also happen that events develop with incidents and that overwhelms you, and that is the reason that leads you to consult. The only thing common in all situations is discomfort, suffering, and that is already a reason for consultation
The search for a pregnancy, assisted reproduction treatments, conception, pregnancy, childbirth, the postpartum, the puerperium, gestational or perinatal grief, we are talking about a moment of transformation, the woman changes, the couple changes, the family changes.
This implies a rearrangement that sometimes becomes complicated. And it is not only that we have to look for a new comfort – a reconfiguration of one’s own life – but It is a very fruitful moment for fears, ideals, identifications to appear that make these moments live with more shadows than lights.
You have to be able to accommodate the desire to be parents. You have to navigate the uncertainty of conception. The pregnancy experience. And you have to be able to meet your son, because sometimes it is a pure disagreement. And prevention is complicated, because a priori we do not know what subjective aspects are going to be activated in the journey of motherhood. Furthermore, we must take separately what happens to the mother and what happens to the father.
Those who come to consult sometimes do so for a specific issue (doubts about whether to be a mother or not, anxiety during pregnancy, the loss of a baby, postpartum depression…) or do so for a discomfort that they cannot locate. And what can be observed in many cases is that in addition to this discomfort due to the circumstances, other complexities of his character appear overlapping
What does this specific help consist of?
There are different possibilities to be accompanied at this time. Be accompanied by analytical listening, in addition to keeping the circumstances in mind and cushioning the anguish, and being able to go through the situation with the greatest possible serenity, it is also a commitment to investigate the relationship, a strange relationship, that one has with oneself. And in this way resources will appear that we did not suspect we had, and trends and repetitions that directed our lives as if they were a destiny will be revealed.
It is active listening that It allows the person to appease by being able to find some meaning, being able to put sensations into words that they were only felt and there were no exact words to name them, and also to be able to make room for what has no explanation.
Psychoanalytic treatment is indicated to identify what is happening, to be able to make decisions, to stop or to continue, but surely to be able to move forward with life. It is very ineffective to console yourself with popular sayings or phrases, such as “that happens to many people,” or “you can’t be bad if you just had a baby,” or that a loss is passed by having another child.
We cannot lose sight of what a woman who becomes a mother can experience, can hinder your relationship with your partner, with your newborn child, or with others you may have Taking this into account is very important when locating where the problem is.
Pregnancy and the birth of a child is a rich time in which many changes occur: physical changes, changes in position (from woman to mother, from being her mother’s daughter to being the mother of her baby). It can also be a time when unresolved conflicts are reactivated (such as the relationship between the woman and her parents, especially the mother). Or if there is the loss of a baby, disabling grief may be linked to previous unresolved grief. It is also a time where everything related to femininity can falter.
And it is not only that behind a manifest demand there may be another complexity that appears hidden. Furthermore, psychoanalysis opens a space to be able to recognize and tolerate normal feelings of frustration, overwhelm, ambivalence, self-demands and idealizations, which often go unnoticed by us.
I leave you a brief illustration of two simple cases.
Lucia went to therapy after the birth of her second child. The pregnancy, the birth and the first moments had gone well, and she was happy about it. But there was something that didn’t allow him to enjoy that they were now a family of four. It took several sessions until she could clarify that she was identified with her mother – that she had also had two children – and that she was experiencing things as her family of origin would and not as she herself would.
Sandra came to therapy because she was looking for a child and was not able to get pregnant, and she was beginning to consider assisted reproduction treatments. From the beginning, Sandra’s extreme dependence on her mother became evident, and as the sessions progressed, it became clear that the desire to be a mother was a desire of her own mother, who longed to have a grandson.. Sandra decided to stop everything and give herself some time.
