Relationship Problems: The 4 Psychological Factors That Wear You Down
Relationships are one of the most important experiences of our lives. They arise naturally, they bring us well-being and above all learning. However, today it is common for relationships to have become an apparent source of psychological and emotional problems. In relationships we feel fear, insecurity, jealousy, guilt or anger. What causes them to wear out?
Our current context greatly conditions our relationships. We live in the era of over-information, digitalized and always prone to comparisons. In this way, we feel increasingly overwhelmed about what is happening to us, we compare ourselves, we demand, and we experience the relationship in a dysfunctional way.
Ideas such as that there are toxic people, relationships with narcissistic people (misrepresenting or exaggerating behaviors without a diagnosis) or fashionable terms such as ghosting, do not help us at all, since they only confuse us even more.
What then happens in our relationships? Why is it so difficult for us to live them and make them stable? In this article we are going to delve into the 4 psychological and emotional factors that wear it down. What you are going to read is based on my direct experience as a psychologist and coach accompanying people in their change and therapy processes over the last 12 years.
That relationships, and especially those as a couple, are experiences that arise spontaneously and bring us well-being does not mean that they are easy. It is a complex experience in a psychological and emotional sense. In a relationship we feel well-being, union, we bond and even dissolve in the other, but our greatest fears and insecurities also arise. Because? Because a relationship will always be an uncontrollable situation.
Each person has their own character, belief system, experiences, fears, desires and values. In relationships these systems meet, sometimes they adapt and learn from each other and sometimes those fears and insecurities conquer us.
There are five common factors that cause our relationships to deteriorate.
4 psychological factors that lead us to burnout in relationships
People experience relationships differently depending on our character and life experiences. However, these four factors are repeated in all cases, although they are always expressed in a particular way. Try to find out what your main difficulty is.
1. Fear and insecurity
Both fear and insecurity are two positive and valid emotions in themselves. They help us protect ourselves, build a self-concept based on what we believe we need to be well, and they also make us be cautious in new situations. However, When this fear or insecurity is too intense or constant, it limits our way of seeing relationships.
From there, expectations arise to try to see if the other corresponds to us just as we think we need, we communicate according to demands or, on the contrary, we isolate ourselves and feel that the relationship is fragile.
Of course: the other can also make us feel that insecurity and uncertainty. In any case, the way to solve it is within ourselves through learning in emotion management, either to live the relationship with more security or to set limits on what we do not want to experience.
2. Dependency
Human beings depend to a certain extent on each other. We are social beings and we need bonds. However, when dependency is the main focus of the relationship it will end up wearing it down. We feel dependent on our relationship when we feel less valuable to live that experience, because we have not developed emotional autonomy or learned to always be conditioned by the other.
This type of learning makes us see the relationship as a fragile bond. By depending so much on others, we forget about our own development and feel anxiety and discouragement more and more frequently. Breakups feel more fearful and we avoid any type of conflict that makes them possible.
The solution to this problem is to develop your emotional autonomy. For this you do not need to abandon the relationship but rather focus on yourself, your needs and personal learning.
3. Demands and expectations (imperative communication)
When we demand or have expectations it is a consequence of fear and insecurity. However, if we maintain this habit frequently through imperative communication, the relationship wears out because it is carried out by a more unpleasant system.
In relationships we must find agreements but without losing our personality and identity. Limits are necessary, but for this we should not try to guide the behavior of the other.
What we need to learn to solve this problem is to know how to manage our emotions and communicate in a more assertive and empathetic way. Relationships should be a focus of well-being and learning, not conflict. Don’t set limits
4. Losing personal space
Relationships change our lives, but if as a result we lose routines and priorities, as well as ties with other people, it means that we have prioritized our relationship excessively. When we lose personal space we feel trapped in the relationship instead of enjoying it. This is why it is necessary that we always maintain certain routines that make us feel good as well as friendly and social ties.
Solve the relationship through personal change
These four factors have a close relationship, since they are linked both to your way of managing your emotions and building self-esteem. If your self-esteem is fragile and depends too much on factors that you cannot control, there will be too much dependence on the relationship. On the other hand, fear also leads us to not communicate assertively and this causes us to not set limits and lose personal identity.
The solution to living healthy relationships is not to categorize the other or focus on what they do, but on make your own decisions based on your personal learning. This learning will help you in a stable and long-term way, not only to enjoy your relationship, but to take care of it or, in the future, build a more balanced relationship.
To achieve this, it is essential that you first discover how you approach your relationships, how you manage what you feel, how you relate and communicate, and build self-esteem. In a process of change and therapy this is always the first step, to later design together an action plan that leads you to change what happens to you.
However, sometimes we feel too lonely only with occasional psychological sessions, which do not allow us to have help with our difficulties when they occur. For this reason, my way of working is not only with sessions, but also with daily and unlimited consultations. Thus, People can ask me what they need and we will work on your personal change constantly.
Relationships are, ultimately, a source of both well-being and learning and difficulties. However, these difficulties can lead us to learn and grow (regardless of whether the relationship is maintained or not). If you need expert, professional and committed company to resolve these types of situations, do not hesitate to schedule a first session at Human Empowerment.
