Have you ever asked yourself if you are, were or are being selfish? Do you have difficulty saying no? Putting yourself ahead of others?… If you are answering yes to everything, perhaps this article will be for you. good.
From the collective unconscious They have guided and educated us in care and vision for others Logically, we are social beings and none of us would survive adaptively if we did not take this into account.
Our emotions, behaviors and attitudes, most of the time, are in a dance between the internal, personal, and the external, social. This is why today I would like to review what it really means to be selfish and help you so that this concept does not limit your life but rather helps you lead it more balanced.
The relationship between selfishness and self-care
Egoism is defined as the immoderate and excessive love towards oneself, which causes one to pay excessive attention to one’s own interest, without caring for others. So, How can someone who does not take care of himself and only looks out for others feel selfish?
The answer is easy, the concept has been devalued towards a very basic idea of it: if I look for myself I do wrong, if I look for others I do good. The connotations “immoderate,” “excessive,” or “without caring for others” have been removed and only the most basic idea of the message remains.
This is where the problem lies, the idea behind this message of looking for me is wrong is that others are more important than me If I know that it is more important than me and I don’t pay attention to it, I am putting myself ahead disproportionately and then I think I am being selfish. This is the vicious circle.
How to stop that loop?
Here I leave some ideas that may be interesting to begin to understand how this limiting belief works and be able to find a solution to it.
1. If I am not well I cannot be well with others
The idea is that The relationship I have with the outside world is a mirror of the relationship I have with myself If I don’t pay attention to myself, review myself and analyze myself, I will not be able to connect with what may really be happening to me and I will not be able to change what is not working in my external relationships.
2. If I am always looking out for others, I will not be able to know what I need.
People who focus on others don’t just do it because they are good people, good neighbors, family members or friends. Intrapsychically it is understood that that person who puts all his attention on the outside does so because he does not want/can/want to look inside The damage that exists within is strong, so if I put all my attention on the outside, it will allow me not to look inside myself at what is harming me.
3. If I don’t check what I have or don’t have, I don’t know how I can help
Helping does not always have to do with giving, sometimes it also means doing nothing and other times helping has to do with withdrawing
Many times people who are constantly focused on others create false beliefs about what others need. I say false because they do it from what they believe the other person needs but they don’t ask to find out what they really need or what would help the other person. To know how to help, I first have to know what I have or what I am missing and know what the other person needs, not what I think they need.
4. The damage is in the other, not in you
Sometimes We do not dare to look for ourselves because we think that it could harm the other person For example, if I tell her that I don’t want to go to her birthday, I will hurt her. I’m not saying it’s not like that, we would have to look at the case but most of the time we understand what hurts the other person by what would hurt us. That is, we project our fears, fears, joys or anger onto the other.
But the reality is that we know for sure, because we have experienced it on other occasions, that what hurts one person may not hurt another and vice versa. This is because the damage, the pain, does not come so much from the person who inflicts it, but from the other person’s life story, from their backpack.
A false dilemma
So… Self-care is the perfect complement to not being selfish? Yes. If you spend time pampering yourself, looking at yourself, knowing what you need to rest and how you need it, you will be able to offer the best of yourself to others
If I take myself into account, I will not take on responsibilities that are not mine, I will be more rested, I will be able to enjoy my time and the time I need with others, I will be more comfortable with myself and, above all, I will be able to adapt to situations such as They require it not the way I think it should be done.
Reviewing the core concepts on which we have shaped our lives helps us adjust those beliefs that limit us, and will help us be happier with ourselves and with others. So remember, if you want to not be selfish, start by taking care of yourself.
