Sexual Assertiveness: 3 Keys To A Fulfilling Life As A Couple
One of the most important skills to enjoy an optimal sex life is sexual assertiveness This skill allows us to clearly communicate to our sexual partner what we want and what we don’t want when we have relationships.
We explain exactly what it is, what health benefits are obtained through its acquisition and how it breaks the rigidity of gender roles, especially for women.
It is the skill, or rather the set of skills, that allows us to share with our partner what our desires are Not only this, but it also includes the ability to say “no”, to reject those activities that are not to our liking.
It is typically said that sexual assertiveness is made up of five main skills: knowing how to initiate desired sexual relations, knowing how to reject unwanted sex, communicating what satisfies us sexually, sharing our sexual history and asking about our partner’s, and insisting on using of contraceptives.
1. Start relationships and communicate needs assertively
Sexual assertiveness is essential for sexual satisfaction. Many people feel uncomfortable telling their partner what they like in bed What’s more, many people feel uncomfortable talking during sex. There is no crime in telling the person with whom we have sexual relations what is the best way to stimulate ourselves, nor is there a crime in conveying to him or her that we want to have relations, always without insisting if he or she does not want to.
It is natural that the person who has the most desire initiates sexual activity if it is consensual: it is very frustrating to have a lot of sexual appetite and wait impatiently for the other to start out of embarrassment. For this reason, we will have to work on sexual communication, normalize talking about sex outside and in bed, get used to asking for and responding to the needs of the other. The truth is that almost all sexual partners respond positively when you communicate your preferences.
By mastering this assertive skill, we will enjoy our relationships more and reach orgasm more frequently. It is normal to find a higher rate of anorgasmia in women who do not communicate their sexual needs to their partners.
2. Reject unwanted sexual relations
Many people, either because it tastes bad to them, or because they don’t know how to say no, They end up having sex that they don’t feel like having This happens outside the couple, in situations where one of the people insists too much and the other ends up giving in, but also within the couple. Especially in this context, there are people who mistakenly believe that just because they are a couple they must always be willing to maintain relationships.
The truth is that, just like with food, we don’t always feel like sex. Maybe we just want to have some fun with our partner without having penetrative sex, or maybe we’re just not in the mood. It is so important to say no in the face of insistence and to do it in a serious and respectful way. We must communicate to the other that we do not want to have sex in an understanding way but without apologizing.
3. Sexual history and insistence on contraceptives
Shame or fear of offending are obstacles that prevent many couples from communicating each other’s sexual history Although it is a fundamental pillar for health, it can be difficult to ask the other person if they have had unprotected sex with other people or if they suffer from a sexually transmitted disease. Again, it is important to communicate our doubts through diplomacy, taking into account that it is always worth protecting yourself even if the other person may feel a little uncomfortable for a few minutes.
Speaking of protection, one of the issues that has been most researched in relation to sexual assertiveness arises: the use of contraceptives. Adolescents and young adults are the population most likely to have unprotected sexual relations this is why it is essential to teach future generations how to assertively insist on the use of contraceptives.
Of course, the ideal is for the man himself to take the initiative to use a condom, but girls must be prepared for the possibility of resistance to putting it on. As in rejecting unwanted relationships, a clear refusal to have unprotected sex must be communicated without fear that the other person may feel offended. Again, health is more important than the discomfort of the situation.
Assertiveness in the couple and gender roles
Aside from the health benefits obtained, the acquisition of sexual assertiveness skills breaks with the rigidity of gender roles, the expectations that arise from them and the harmful beliefs they generate.
Traditionally, it has been the man who has sought sexual relations, who has taken care of courting, who has the sexual desire and who, therefore, must always initiate relations. Women have been relegated to a passive role, a recipient, incapable of feeling the same sexual desire, whose orgasm is optional and who must wait patiently to be seduced and have sexual relations.
To end this sexist belief system, it is essential to teach girls, from a young age, that they have the same voice in sexual relationships as a man. That they must take an active role and take responsibility for their sexuality and satisfaction through assertive communication in their interpersonal relationships. That if they do not want to have sexual relations, it is not synonymous with frigid or close, because sex is something reciprocal and it does not make sense to maintain relations if only one of the two wants to.
Sexual assertiveness allows women to regain a sense of control over their own sexuality, decisively ending situations of coercion and sexual pressure, while also allowing men to get rid of the male stereotype that always has a sexual appetite. It is perfectly normal for men not to feel like having sexual relations, not to be the one to initiate them, and even to communicate sexual preferences that can be interpreted as unmanly.
Thus, the benefits of sexual assertiveness do not end with the improvement of sexual and psychological health and the avoidance of risk behaviors, but rather facilitate social progress in the direction of gender equality and the break with heteropatriarchy
