Sexual Performance Anxiety: Causes, Symptoms And What To Do
It is common for people to occasionally have an “accident” during their sexual relations, without there being any physical cause that can account for it.
However, the extreme pressure that we can project on how we should perform in bed generates, especially in situations like the one mentioned, very difficult feelings that are labeled under the general heading of sexual performance anxiety
In this article we will describe what exactly this health problem is, why it usually occurs and what are some of the most appropriate strategies to deal with it.
Sexual performance anxiety is usually the result of extreme stress on performance in this area. While it is true that it is normal to feel slightly anxious about the imminence of an encounter of this type (especially when you are meeting a new person), the concern in this case is much greater than expected and extends to conditioning the physiological processes on which sexuality depends
Thus, it is common for those who suffer from it for too long to end up complaining of erectile difficulties or an orgasm that is too fast, brief or subtle.
A very significant percentage of people with sexual performance anxiety they live apprehensively with the expectations of having an intimate encounter with their partner, or they doubt its ability to bring you pleasure. Everything is accentuated when in the past there have been situations of “blockage” that could not be resolved successfully, and that forged the doubts that now grip sexuality. In this emotional house of cards, the last card to fall is self-esteem and desire, which can be obscured by guilt and insecurity.
Why happens?
One of the most common causes of sexual performance anxiety is creating false expectations about what sex should be, often as a result of integrating an idealized image of how events will unfold during their development. A negative view of the body can also contribute in a very important way (belief that the penis is too small, that the silhouette is somehow unpleasant or that the chest lacks aesthetic beauty).
All of this generates anxious anticipation of the experience, which can last for many days before it is scheduled to happen. Also It is extremely common for unpleasant thoughts to arise at the same time that it is happening (“I’m not able to do this”, “I’m making a fool of myself”, “I hope you’re not focusing on this or that part of my body”, “I have to do it more intensely”, “you’re not enjoying it at all” , etc.), which divert attention from one’s own sensations and interfere with the sexual response (impede or accelerate orgasm, alter erection or lubrication, etc.).
Stressors in other areas (such as work, studies, etc.) can also increase sexual performance anxiety, a situation that requires learning specific forms of relaxation. In those cases in which the problem persists, it may be very important to consult with a specialist in this field of knowledge to find concrete solutions.
Now they present several useful keys to mediate this anxiety problem in the event that it occurs They are aimed both at strengthening the bond with the couple and at developing more specific strategies to minimize its intensity and impact.
1. Communicate with your partner
Sexuality is an extraordinary form of communication, in which more than just words are involved. The caresses, kisses and hugs that are part of contact with the other person They are very important; since they facilitate the central production of oxytocin, a hormone linked to positive emotions (such as joy) and that helps strengthen the bond. It is crucial to understand sex, then, as a dialogue in which bodies speak.
Sculpting solid trust with your partner is key, because during sexual relations we allow their access to areas of the body bordering our last frontier: the skin. Every human being has an invisible space of security around him, which can only be crossed by those with whom he feels completely safe. In fact, If there is an unresolved conflict between two people, it is very likely that the friction will generate rejection that interferes with the desire itself; This being a cause that can contribute to sexual performance anxiety.
2. Focus on the more subtle aspects of sexuality
It is quite common for people who suffer from sexual performance anxiety to be particularly oriented towards reaching orgasm during their relationships, ignoring the interaction process that finally leads to it, where desire is displayed in its maximum expression. This perspective makes sex a mechanical and boring activity, which restricts pleasure to just a few seconds, which mediate between the beginning and the end of the orgasm itself.
A useful recommendation for those who suffer from this problem is seek sexual relationships in which particular emphasis is placed on the subtle aspects, including foreplay and simple skin-to-skin contact. It may be interesting, in fact, to have encounters in which penetration is not contemplated, and in which the different senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch) are consciously stimulated. This eroticization enhances desire and softens the rigidity with which a sexuality oriented solely to climax is perceived.
3. Don’t take it as an obligation
The most destructive thing that can happen with respect to sexuality is the acceptance of it as an obligation “that simply must be fulfilled.” This is one of the most common causes of sexual performance anxiety, especially in cases where the problem has gone on for so long that desire has been seriously hurt. So, The anticipation of a meeting with your partner becomes a cause for intense concern being a completely denatured act and foreign to the royal will.
The fact of assuming sex as a task to be satisfied is usually the result of not revealing our feelings to our partner, out of fear of disappointing them or out of the conviction that the situation could degenerate into some major conflict. But the truth is that the fiction we must cover ourselves with to fake desire is a heavy burden for our emotional life, and not at all fair to our needs. Talking about it can provide an appropriate scenario to seek solutions as a couple, and at the same time explore new dimensions of shared sexuality.
4. Break the routine
Routine is, for many aspects of life, a real burden. The time spent on it feels purposeless, the necessary but tedious interlude we must live with. There is ample evidence that when our life runs too monotonously it is perceived, looking back, as excessively short. And in that case the brain lacks emotional anchors with which to define the experience sending it to the “spam” tray of our emotional memory.
The same goes for sexuality. When the couple assumes rigid customs in their daily lives, including what happens in bed and in the rest of the spaces reserved for intimacy, this ends up becoming a stimulus that does not generate satisfaction or stimulate desire
People who suffer from sexual performance anxiety may be tempted to impose an irreducible regularity on their moments as a couple, seeking control and artificially reducing the probability of unforeseen events. This attitude imposes a false sense of security, since it is motivation that pays an unaffordable bill in the medium and long term.
5. Downplay small missteps
We are not perfect machines. It is very normal that, at some point in life, we have a sexual encounter in which things do not happen the way we had planned.
It is likely that for various reasons (being tired, stressed, sleepy, etc.) we will not be able to perform as desired, but it is a predictable result in the context of the variety of physical and emotional states that we experience. can condition sexual performance in non-pathological conditions
Sometimes, however, a negative experience (especially when it has coincided with criticism or ridicule from a partner) can profoundly and lastingly alter our feeling of security and sexual self-efficacy. In this case the self-fulfilling prophecy would occur: the anxious expectation that the same incident could happen again in the future would provoke a series of behaviors and thoughts that would effectively favor its recurrence.
In this case, therefore, the most important thing is to assume completely naturally what is undoubtedly normal: things are not always as we would like them to be, and “imperfection” is also a part of the game of sex.
6. Don’t consume alcohol
It is not uncommon for people to try to patch up their feeling of anxiety (in anticipation of having a sexual relationship) by drinking alcohol and using it as a social lubricant. And this substance inhibits the activity of the prefrontal cortex, which immerses us in a state of deceptive euphoria (since it is really depressing an important region of our brain). This strategy is used because allows laxity of worries and insecurities although at a very expensive price.
Alcohol decreases blood supply to the cavernous vessels of the penis, two columns of tissue that enable erection, and reduces local sensitivity (which delays the arrival of orgasm to the detriment of the experience of pleasure that is achieved). This last effect is also reproduced in women, who also experience a reduction in vaginal lubrication (due to the effect of alcohol dehydration), which can precipitate painful sensations and end up increasing the underlying anxiety problem.
7. Find your own way of communicating in bed
Very especially in the case of first sexual encounters, A large part of what is known about sex comes from sources that distort what it really is For example, unattainable perfection is expected from bodies (our own and those of others), or from the attitude towards sex.
But what really happens is different, since the bodies are far from what has been seen in films or in other media and the performance is not of the intensity that was anticipated, which implies a feeling of frustration and the raising of some doubts about the ability to please.
Finding our way of communicating is essential, and to do this we must first get rid of unrealistic expectations about sex and physical appearances, accepting who we are and seeking to feel safe with sexuality. What is reviewed is particularly important in cases of sexual performance anxiety in young people like adolescents who enter into their first interactions of this type.
8. Sex begins beyond the sheets
A proven fact is that sex does not function as an independent element from the rest of the daily things that take place in common life
Thus, a relationship is based on passion (intense desire for union with the other), intimacy (ability to generate a shared universe in which what the “we” represents is displayed) and commitment (fidelity and willingness to project the relationship towards the future); all of them being relevant for higher quality sex. That is, there is an association between the strength of the bond and sexual intimacy.
It is key to take into consideration that Sex is not limited to two naked bodies in a bed, but rather it is cultivated throughout the days in everyday situations; in full light, with or without clothes. And it is the small acts of complicity that end up forging enough trust to transfer it within the sheets. It is therefore important to be with a person who not only dazzles us physically, but who can also contribute something deeper to our lives.
9. Learn to enjoy your own pleasure
Some people may err on the side of excessive altruism in their sexual relationships. When they are with their partner they seek exclusively their pleasure, ignoring their needs. The truth is that this unbalanced focus on what the other may be feeling completely diverts us from the sensations that occur in our own corporeality, and even becomes counterproductive for both parties.
Many studies indicate that this phenomenon is common among those who suffer from sexual performance anxiety. The right dose of “egoism” is therefore necessary in bed, the search for what our body can contribute by exploring some of your most intense and rewarding sensations, in a deliberate and non-judgmental way. In short, let go of the limiting desire to impress and simply enjoy that moment. Only then will you both have a good time.
10. Use a sense of humor and empathy
A sense of humor is a powerful strategy for coping with anxiety in all its possible forms, including sexual.
As noted above, everyone is susceptible to being surprised by an unexpected event while having sex (orgasm comes too soon, erection/lubrication is not as ‘good’ as expected, etc.), and it is precisely at that moment when this strategy can make a difference.
Falling into drama in the face of such a natural fact only brings dark expectations that can contribute to its repetition on successive opportunities.
When it is our partner who feels embarrassed by an unexpected event like this, it is essential to use our empathy and provide them with all the understanding they may need. It is common for people who experience this situation from “the other side” to feel offended by what happened, letting insecurities emerge on the canvas of the mattress, which end up creating a feeling of guilt that extends beyond what we can sometimes imagine. .
