Should I Stay Or Should I Go? How Do You Know If Your Relationship Has A Future?
Is it true that nowadays we abandon very quickly?
“Before marriages lasted, now almost all of them end in divorce.” Surely you have heard a phrase like that sometimes, or you yourself have wondered why today so many couples who planned a life together are separating. Those who get married hope not to be part of the group that “fails” and thus there has been an increase in reading, courses and alternatives that promise any couple to guarantee their union forever.
At the same time, generations should not continue, because it does not make people happy and supposedly in these generations, The belief is that your partner is there to always make you happy
Despite these prejudices regarding “the youth of today”, I meet in my practice with many people and couples who come to therapy in search of a solution that allows them to rediscover their mutual love, improve communication or to overcome past wounds. They have reached a point in their relationship from which they do not know how to continue, however, the hope is to maintain the relationship and emerge from the crisis stronger.
Knowing when it is time to end a relationship is not so easy, there are not always clear indicators that “justify” a separation. You know the classic reasons for separation to be betrayal, violence, vices or constant fights and strong arguments that are evident in the daily life of a couple. But what happens when none of these factors occur in your relationship, yet you feel bad, insecure, sad or afraid? Should you just stay with your partner and trust that everything has a solution?
We cannot compare our parameters of being in a relationship with those of previous generations
Marriage 50 years ago had another function in society than our long-term relationships today, whether or not it is a marriage. In itself, marriage has a historical trajectory that cannot be related in every sense to our human needs from the point of view of mental health, as we know them today.
The marriages of the 60s did not last because people were “healthier” , but because social oppression was stronger, marked by traditions and predetermined gender roles. What should a man do with his life, what should a woman do, everyone should have children, get married, start a home, etc.
Today we enjoy more freedom and that is an advance and benefit for our psychological well-being.
Currently, we are no longer in a relationship because it is a mandatory step in our curriculum. You do not need to be married or have children for social acceptance. That is why we cannot compare our relationships with those of our parents or grandparents.
However, Having more freedom does not completely free us from relationship problems, but rather creates new questions and dilemmas By moving away from outdated parameters, you must build your own ideals and actively ask yourself: how do you want to live as a couple? What is love for you? What distinguishes the relationship according to your own parameters? What are you willing to fight for and where are your limits?
Then, you should ask these questions to your partner as well, to clarify whether you are both on the same track. It is an important and continuous work to establish own parameters, identifying important beliefs and assumptions that may be outdated for the relationship or in turn must be redefined.
When can you continue despite the difficulties?
The million dollar question is: How do you know when something you dislike in your relationship is a challenge to face in order to grow? together and when you encounter decisive indicators of separation? It is the art of differentiating opportunities from the red lights that tell you “run away, there is danger here.”
There are couples who can definitely improve their situation by working on the relationship, getting to know themselves and each other better, taking more time as a couple, learning new forms of communication and intimacy, and most of all, abandoning implicit assumptions and rules, opting for more dialogue and transparency.
The couple goes through different crisis situations throughout the relationship that they test the presence of each part : the first cohabitation, the arrival of children, loss of employment, physical or mental illness of one of the two, agreements made about the relationship with families of origin, money management, sexual life after the moon honey, etc.
Differences and arguments are normal, your partner does not always make you happy and you definitely require a lot of willingness to endure moments of pain. Being in a relationship means leading with an individual’s needs, and that involves a constant dance of calibrating when it’s your turn, when it’s the other’s turn, how you meet in the middle, and how to make both of your voices heard. Overcoming these challenges leads to an even stronger relationship and deepens the union and commitment from both sides.
Conditions that indicate that there are opportunities to grow
Overcoming different challenges is a process that can make you better colleagues and it is not the circumstances, but how they are resolved. Given that It helps to ask yourself:
The aforementioned aspects can be summarized in two principles of maintaining healthy relationships :
Trust: I trust that you do what you do for good reasons, I know that you have no intentions against me, I feel safe sharing intimate problems with you because I know that they are safe with you.
Respect: You recognize me as an adult, coherent person and you are interested in what I have to say, you listen to me, although you do not always agree. You don’t make fun of me or disqualify me for what I say or do.
Red flags
There are relationships that last, although they are actually very toxic They last because they give something to each party, but in the long run they do more harm than they contribute, to one or both.
In this sense, it is important to understand the dynamics under which a relationship works: what patterns are repeated, what happens when the same fight occurs over and over again and one or both parties feel that they are running in circles without reaching any agreement. What happens when one feels the need to solve a problem, which the other denies or does not see as such? What role does each party have in the relationship? These are aspects that are not always easy to identify and that can be known and discussed in therapy.
But outside of therapy there are also key indicators; the so-called red flags that appear on the road as a danger signal. From now on you will find some red flags that I have identified repeatedly with consultants in my practice :
When you realize that nothing can be built together in your relationship, everything has already been said, defined, predetermined by implicit rules such as, for example, socially imposed beliefs and there is no flexibility, but rather fear of change.
When your and your partner’s principles and convictions, about significant aspects of life, totally contradict each other: honesty vs. loyalty, conservative vs. progressive, environmentalist vs. consumerist etc.
When there is no real listening or interest from your partner in what you think or feel: your pain or your fears are minimized or mocked.
When there is no trust and you feel that you must give explanations and justifications all the time, when your partner suspects bad intentions in everything and does not recognize that perhaps it is he/she who may be wrong.
When nothing changes, although they talked about it many times. Supposedly, important aspects to change are recognized, but in reality everything remains the same and you have the same discussions over and over again. When you feel like you are going in circles and you become more and more confused.
When your partner does not take responsibility but tends to victimize himself, he looks for excuses and changes his mind according to his convenience in order to win the fight instead of understanding the common goal.
In conclusion, we must subtract a lot of romanticism and add reflection and dialogue to quality relationships. Human beings not only look for a partner for love. Our way of choosing and being with someone else has a lot to do with intimate needs and childhood footprints When you don’t take charge of your patterns, you can do a lot of harm to others, the same goes for your partner, whose past patterns you cannot take charge of. Continuing the relationship is about both of you participating in working on the relationship and on yourself as an individual.
When they manage to become accomplices and companions of individual stories, their relationship can be an opportunity for growth; because there are challenges that you will not face if you are not in a relationship, and there are aspects of yourself that you will never know if it is not for wanting to work on your relationship. But that doesn’t mean you should stay with someone no matter what, the quality of your relationships and your daily conversations defines your quality of life and your mental health significantly.
