Anger is an emotion It is a signal linked to a set of physiological changes that occur in our body, and that try to warn us that something is happening in our external or internal world that is not aligned with us; something we don’t agree with; something we don’t like; something that, from our point of view, we cannot allow.
Our anger, rage, rage (you can call it whatever you see fit), is nothing more than a defense mechanism that helps us combat discomfort. It appears when in a situation we are very far from our needs.
We could simplify and give a classification of emotions depending on whether or not our needs are covered, in this way we would have:
It is a lot to simplify but sometimes simplicity is the key.
Good emotions and not so good emotions
Within the needs mentioned in the classification we could find everything from basic needs, subsistence and well-being (food, hydration, rest, tranquility…) to identity needs (self-affirmation, respect, integrity…), relational needs (attention, love , listen…), needs for meaning, security, freedom, recreation, participation, fulfillment and celebration.
Any type of need we have, if it is not covered, generates discomfort
Synthesizing what we have seen so far… If we get angry it is because at that moment a need of ours is not being satisfied Then, our body responds with a series of physiological reactions to warn us that we have to act. Our wise body cannot allow our need to go unmet.
But what happens?… that we focus so much on ourselves, and on our needs, that we don’t realize that the other person also has theirs.
Generally we only look at what we need and we focus on the other person’s words, attitude, and gestures and that we cannot allow them to talk to us like that or treat us like that.
When we get angry, we tend to overact.
What’s the worst thing about this?
Well then In the vast majority of cases we lose track of the real reason for our anger We end up angry with ourselves, or with third parties, and on many occasions leaving our original need unmet, and even giving rise to the creation of new needs, due to the anger itself.
Maybe your anger has appeared because you were tired or you needed recognition for your work or simply because you needed a little peace of mind and there is a horrible commotion…
The reasons can be infinite but, many times, they are notWe focus so much on the other person’s attitude that our anger ends up not achieving its true purpose which is that your need is covered or, at least, validated.
Trying to prevent anger
Ideally, when we detect ourselves in a state of anger, we investigate a little more.
What are you missing? What need do you not have covered? Why is your body reacting like this?
Okay, we’ve seen your anger… now let’s go to the other side:
“But what’s wrong with the other person?!”… “Does he or she not see what you need?!”… “How can you be so selfish?!”
That’s what we usually think and sometimes even say without realizing that the other person has their needs too. So now, we are going to try to correctly manage the moments of anger that we all have on occasion.
Managing moments of anger step by step
1. Analyze why you get angry
Close your eyes for a few moments and think about an argument or anger you recently had with someone (your partner, a co-worker, your child)… What happened?
Surely You had some totally valid reason to feel bad and that’s why your anger was triggered to come to your defense But you must take several things into account. Let’s continue. Close your eyes again but now focus on the real need you had when your anger appeared, you needed silence, you needed fun, affection, recognition, what was your real need?
And, now, let’s change our role.
What reason could your partner, coworker, or child have for acting the way they did? What unmet need was behind it?
Imagine that you are the other person… What need do you think you may have? You need to replenish energy, respect, play…
How do you see the discussion now? Do you still see it from your self?
Have you been able to empathize with the other person and see or feel their other need? From this place, would you have acted differently?
Personally I don’t think any of us are willingly seeking an argument However, many times we find ourselves with two totally opposite unsatisfied needs (ours and that of the other person), which neither of us know how to name or communicate adequately and this makes it unintentionally become a conflict.
2. Take a breath and think about each person’s needs
The next time you detect that your anger automatic is triggered… Stop and ask yourself:
What need of mine is not being met? And then ask yourselfWhat possible need of the other person is not being met?
If in a discussion we try to cover both needs, from humility, from tranquility, from the perspective that no need is more important than the other, but that they are different and valid needs, at that moment and in both people, then the discussion has ended.
3. Reinterpret conflicts and give them a positive solution
Turn your conflicts into a search for solutions trying to meet both needs as much as possible, and validating both needs as legitimate and equally important.
Sometimes we will not be able to cover both needs at the same time, but we can always resolve the conflict by validating both needs as important and looking for a possible solution, even if one is postponed, a little longer.
I suggest that in your next discussion you start by asking yourself:
What do I need?… And the other person, what does he need?
What are the needs that are not being met?
You will see how your anger will automatically decrease.
