One of the most in-demand services at Mariva Psicologías is couples therapy, the basis of which is communication.
And in our day-to-day relationships, not all communication is appropriate, and just encouraging it is not usually enough: it is not just about quantity, but also quality. To achieve this communicative quality in our love life, work in therapy is often necessary, since it can be difficult for the couple to detect exactly what is going wrong and what can be done to understand each other better and argue less.
Despite this, there are some basic “rules” of communication that, beyond couples therapy, can serve as a basis to promote good understanding Let’s see what they are.
The main rules for good communication between couples
Following these communication guidelines can help make life as a couple easier and the love bond not weaken.
1. Talk about the issue at hand
Try not to “mix” different topics, especially in discussions. This can mean that we do not resolve the topic we wanted to talk about, and that the conversation lengthens without reaching a “good outcome.”
It is also not advisable to go to the other extreme and be too insistent on something If it has already been discussed and the problem has been resolved or, simply, you come to the conclusion that you have two different points of view, it is neither necessary nor useful to reiterate and bring up the topic on many occasions.
2. Have positive and realistic language
When talking about the other person’s behavior, we are going to try to avoid terms like: “nothing”, “always”, “never”, “everything”… and phrases like: “you are always the same”, “you are always the same”. you do everything wrong”, etc. In addition to being quite painful, it is very likely that they do not show reality and that you are not being objective. In short, don’t generalize.
3. Respect
Of course, don’t be disrespectful (don’t insult or yell, control non-verbal language…). Think about how it would hurt you if your partner did it, it is the basis of communication.
This point is essential and, if it fails, it is very difficult for us to comply with the rest of the aspects or that the relationship can be worked on.
4. Have a positive attitude
In addition to positive language, a positive attitude would be important Being pessimistic and with a defeated attitude is not the best way to look for solutions if there is a problem.
5. Highlight the good
Try to praise what you like about your partner If we only tell each other the negative aspects, we are not realistic and we can encourage irritability and defensiveness in the other.
Let the other person talk and, above all, listen to her and try to empathize and understand her
7. Don’t leave anything in the pipeline
Don’t stay silent, if you speak too little and don’t express yourself, it is difficult for them to understand you.
8. Go for clarity
Try to express yourself clearly Avoid “I say this but I mean something else”, or “I say yes but I hope my partner understands no”. Unless your partner is a fortune teller, it will be difficult for him or her to understand what you mean.
9. Don’t take for granted what the other person thinks or wants
We do not guess the thought, we must believe what our partner tells us. For example: if they tell us “I would like to accompany you”, we should not interpret “I’m sure he doesn’t want to”.
10. Maintain order in the conversation
Try not to interrupt and respect speaking turns If you interrupt, you don’t let the person express themselves, you don’t listen to them properly…
11. Don’t fall for labels
Don’t label. Saying “you left your shoes outside” is not the same as “you are a disaster and always leave everything in the middle.” Here we make the mistake of generalizing (see rule 2) and labeling a person who may only be clueless with shoes as a disaster.
12. Express motivations
To ask for behavior changes, be specific and express how you feel and what you want to achieve For example: “When you leave your shoes outside, I get nervous and I wish you would remember to put them in the shoe rack.” Let’s take another example: “I would like you to let me know if you are going to arrive later than twelve, when you don’t I get worried, is that okay with you?”
If we receive criticism or are asked to change our behavior, it is important not to fall into the “and you more”, “I have done this but you also did that”… It is a defensive attitude, it does not allow us to see why our behavior is annoying
We must assess whether we can and want to change it, explain why we do it, etc. But the goal should not be to “fight” against the other and see who makes the most mistakes, that could be an eternal and destructive conversation.
In conclusion
We know that putting it into practice is difficult, but we hope these tips have been useful to you. Try to practice them in your daily life and do not hesitate to go to couples therapy if you think that your relationship can improve in terms of communication or in any other area. Your therapist will guide you through the process and it will be much easier than trying to improve it without this help.
