The 3 Keys To Knowing How To Distinguish Between Emotional Dependence And Love
Love is a facet of human existence that is as important as it is, unfortunately, distorted through myths and exaggerations.
This means that, for many people, falling in love or living as a couple implies a series of totally dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors that often not only harm the person who internalizes them but also harm others. In some cases, it goes so far as to assume that love is a synonym for emotional dependence, which generates basic problems in any love relationship applied to life as a couple.
In this article We will see what the key ideas are to be clear about how love and emotional dependence differ and why it is essential not to mix both concepts.
Love is an experience that involves both behavioral patterns and cultural elements, as well as innate biological mechanisms that make us interested in strengthening ties with others.
Although each historical moment and culture privileges some forms of love over others (until not so long ago, what we understand today as romantic love practically did not exist), All forms of couple love share certain characteristics which have to do with the following:
How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence?
As we have seen, So that love does not give rise to problems, it must be applied to a relationship in which there is a certain commitment However, this commitment and the way in which we experience it (since it is subject to a great emotional charge) is far from giving rise to a situation of dependency. Let’s see why.
1. Love gives rise to relationships that tend towards symmetry
Love as a couple has to do with dialogue and the search for consensus about how to live together, creating a life project in which the aspirations of both people are compatible. That is why, by its very nature, reciprocated love tends to give rise to symmetry; Neither of the two people has a position of clear power over the other, in any case the skills of both complement each other.
Instead, In emotional dependence that symmetry does not exist: There is someone who depends on the other, and there is someone who acts as a consequence of their role as a privileged party.
That is why even if the person who is not dependent lacks the will to harm the other, the relationship usually becomes toxic very quickly; not because of their personality or aspirations, but because of the dynamics of interaction and decision-making that are established between them. The problem goes beyond individuals, it has to do with how they relate.
2. Love is not based on fear, dependence is
Love has to do with the pleasure of being in the company of another person and the security offered by the expectation of having them with us in our lives ; In fact, the peace of mind of knowing that we can count on the other person is one of the main sources of motivation that leads people to have a partner.
However, emotional dependence is not oriented towards the positive ; In it, the main thing is knowing how to manage the fear of the other person abandoning us, losing interest in us or finding a better life project with another person. Thus, almost all actions taken seeking validation from the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, are carried out while on the defensive, in the face of those catastrophic predictions about what could happen if that person stops having the incentive to be at our side. side.
So that, If love has to do with actively getting involved in a relationship, emotional dependence is based on a reaction role letting circumstances drag us along.
3. Dependency has an obsessive component
During the falling in love phase, many people develop something similar to obsessive type thoughts; They tend to constantly think about the person for whom they have a strong attraction, to take care to present a good image to them, etc However, this phenomenon has to do with the lack of information and habit of being in front of that person; As it has been idealized, one tends to adopt a very meticulous perspective on how one should behave and how those first interactions should be managed.
But falling in love lasts relatively short, a few months. As love matures and consolidates, becoming more emotionally stable, it loses that aspect of introspection and is oriented not so much to one’s own thoughts and fantasies, but rather to the desire to provide support to the other person. spontaneously and barely meditated, by really knowing their values, their concerns, their worries and vulnerabilities, etc.
On the other hand, emotional dependence retains its obsessive character indefinitely; What’s more, as we have seen, it is based on the fear of abandonment, and that means that as time passes these obsessions can intensify even more.
Related article: “The 12 types of obsessions (symptoms and characteristics)”
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