Empathy is an exceptional capacity, very important for our social coexistence. It is the power that people have to be able to tune in to the emotions and intentions of others.
But it’s not just knowing what others feel. It is also about understanding why they feel that way, respecting their way of feeling and thinking, putting ourselves in their same place and, based on that, finding out how to make them feel better.
Next we will look in more depth at the characteristics of empathy in addition to reflecting on what empathy is useful as opposed to what is projected.
Many think that defining empathy is a simple task but, ironically, they tend to be the ones who have the least empathy. The idea that empathy is the act of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes or understanding what they feel is not wrong, but it is overly simplistic. There is much more to the word empathy, much more effort and desire to help than simply identifying the emotions of others.
If empathy were only knowing how to identify emotions in others, we would all have it equally developed, something that is certainly not the case. Many times we have heard that someone we know is very selfish, that he barely thinks about others or that he does not care that someone feels bad. It is proof that not all of us are empathetic, that There are people who have a hard time putting themselves in the same situation as someone who is suffering, or understanding their actions and emotions
Leaving aside antisocial personality disorder, which is psychopathology, whether a person shows more or less empathy depends on both genetic predisposition and environmental factors. Being empathetic is like practically everything, There are personality differences that are mediated by the educational style of the parents, the experience of stressful events, genes greater or lesser cordiality and even the cultural level…
This is clearly visible in these times, given that the pandemic has forced essential professionals, such as healthcare workers, supermarket cashiers and security forces, to continue working.
Many of these professionals have faced two very different situations. Some doctors have come home after a long and exhausting day to find puddles of bleach outside their apartment, signs asking them to leave, or accusations that they are contagious. Others, fortunately, in an act of enormous empathy on the part of their neighbors, do their shopping or help them with whatever they need.
Taking these two examples into account, we can understand that the neighbors in the first case greatly lack empathy. They are not necessarily psychopaths, but they certainly have not been able to put themselves in the shoes of their healthcare neighbor, who has spent a long day helping people in need.
It is for this reason that it is very necessary to understand what empathy exactly is so that we can, to the extent we can, practice it, put it to the test. In most cases, we can try to be better people and improve our way of relating to others.
1. Active listening
Active listening is understood as the act beyond the simple act of listening. That is, as a fundamental characteristic of empathy, we say that we are actively listening when we pay attention to what another person is telling us, maintaining the thread of the conversation.
Empathetic people are usually willing to listen and have a good conversation with their interlocutor In addition to listening to everything they have to tell us, we are active in the conversation, taking care of verbal and non-verbal language, especially gestures and tone of voice.
We show developed empathy when we let someone, whether they are upset or in a very good mood, express themselves, talk about how they feel. Revealing the inner world is sometimes difficult, and the last thing someone in a bad mood needs is for them to feel like they are talking to a wall.
2. Active understanding
But, in addition to active listening, a fundamental characteristic of empathy is active understanding. It’s about making the effort to understand others, beyond what they are explicitly telling us. It is understanding, in a deep way, what you think, what you believe, what you feel and what worries you.
In addition to identifying the emotions of the interlocutor, You must understand your position, why you feel this way, what has made you feel this way Understanding what emotional meaning you attribute to everything that happens to you and, thus, seeing to what extent we can help you is a truly empathetic act.
Identifying with the other comes hand in hand with active understanding, although they are not exactly the same. Identifying with someone, in addition to knowing what emotion they are feeling, involves putting yourself in their same place and making the effort to think about how we ourselves would act in the same situation.
4. Solidarity
Solidarity is empathy materialized. That is, it is the turn our very human ability to feel how and why others feel the way they do into something productive to improve your emotional state.
Listening to and understanding others are acts that are already beneficial in themselves, since we show that they are not alone, that there is someone who knows what they are going through, that someone has tuned in to their same pain.
However, the action of helping beyond that, i.e. get moving to find a solution or improve how you feel It is true solidarity, fundamental to empathy.
This can be done through useful advice or gestures that cost nothing to do and that mean a lot, such as kisses, caresses, hugs… You can always do something to make others feel better, no matter how small and trivial it may be. may seem.
5. Respect
Finally, a defining characteristic of empathy, as important as understanding and solidarity, is respect. Respecting others’ way of seeing the world, as long as it does not imply intolerance or harm, is essential to be able to say that we are truly empathetic people.
In addition to this, there is respect for what that person may feel. It is possible that we, being in the same situation as her, do not feel as bad as she does. That is why we should not fall into prejudices and phrases that do not help such as “it’s not that big of a deal”, “you’re exaggerated” “oh, please, how dramatic you are…” Each person is as they are, and there are to respect it. If we are not going to really help you, why talk?
Differences between useful empathy and projected empathy
After seeing all the characteristics of empathy, we can understand the differences between helpful empathy and projected empathy.
By useful empathy we mean that which really contributes to making others feel good That is, the act of actively listening and understanding what reasons and what way of thinking have made a person feel the way they feel. Furthermore, once we understand his situation, we aim to be of help by looking for ways, no matter how simple and basic, to make him feel better, to get him out of the hole.
As we have already said, having empathy, understood as the simple act of identifying emotions, is not enough. Being empathetic involves directing that very human capacity to tune into the feelings of others and give them a useful purpose, benefiting others. In short, be supportive.
Projected empathy, as opposed to useful empathy, is exposing our own emotionality on top of another person To make it clear, let’s imagine that our class friend has just failed an exam and is sad. Instead of supporting him, we start by telling him that “you should have studied more”, “it’s normal that you feel this way, if it’s your fault for not having made an effort”, “you’ve disappointed me… I thought you were going to pass this time” and phrases like that.
We project our indignation that he failed, instead of trying to understand how he feels and think about what went wrong that made him not study enough. You may have had a family situation so bad that you were unable to concentrate, for example.
Human beings are very lucky to have a capacity as adaptive and beneficial as empathy. Being able to tune into the feelings of others is like having a superpower, it’s like being able to read other people’s minds. Instead of letting it atrophy, let’s put it into practice! Let’s be more understanding of others, especially now we need to be more empathetic than ever.
