Do you think the cause of your problems is lack of self-esteem? Maybe you are one of those who think that your relationship is going badly and you allow yourself to be trampled on because you don’t have enough self-love and lack self-esteem; or that if you were a more confident person and loved yourself more, better things would happen to you and you would be more popular; or that if you weren’t crushed by your feeling of inferiority you could have a better job.
Self-esteem is a concept that you hear talked about everywhere, and not exactly by professionals: from magazines, radio programs, influencers, self-help manuals, conversations of friends, in the family nucleus… It is so popular that It seems that it was one of the main keys to well-being. But Talking so much about self-esteem and doing it lightly encourages the concept to be trivialized and also that information is decontextualized, and that a mantra is formed from some specific aspect, as sometimes happens with the idea of ”loving oneself”, which has become the central motive on which the lives of many revolve. people.
There are many proposals circulating to improve the perception we have of ourselves, and the truth is that when one sets out to do so, it is not difficult to find positive traits that describe us. But… what happens? Putting all our effort into these exercises to gain self-esteem does not guarantee satisfaction or success
It is not just a self-perception, nor is it about changing negative thoughts for positive ones, nor is it about our entire life being based on self-care. Self-esteem is not a simple concept, and is linked to many other aspects. Placing the focus of discomfort on the lack of self-esteem diverts attention from other more crucial issues and that could make us understand what the real difficulties are that are preventing us from feeling good.
If you think you have low self-esteem, I invite you to continue reading. The goal of psychoanalysis is not aimed at strengthening the image we have of ourselves, but rather at listening to the subject, because the answers we are looking for about who we are must be sought elsewhere.
1. Start by knowing your story
To begin to constitute ourselves as people, we are forged through different identifications Identifications that we have adopted from things we have been told, from things we have heard, from things that are the result of our interpretation. Other times we identify with the place that “they give us” in the family and that we adopt: the smart one, the responsible one, the strong one… Or even negative ones: the stupid one, the lazy one, the strange one.
Discomfort comes when a distance is created between what others say about us and what we really are This generates insecurity, discomfort, lack of self-love and self-esteem.
In a therapeutic process one comes to discover what identifications are not working for him and what things do describe him and feel good to him. There is no ultimate identity that responds to the essence of what one is. One can detach oneself from identifications and let them fall, and identify oneself with other things.
2. Eliminate comparison from your life
Most of us compare ourselves, and not precisely to rejoice in the benefits of the differences and enjoy the cool point of each one. No. It is a comparison in which we get lost and in which we almost always assume that the other is better
In the face of this pernicious practice, one becomes less: I am worse, I am worthless, I am not enough… why do we compare ourselves? And why do we swallow the bait that the other is more and better?
On the one hand, it gives us peace of mind that there is someone who is happy and satisfied forever. That is why the tendency is to assume the similar person as an ideal Self. The problem is that in the face of ideals one looks miserable and passions and rivalries come into play.
And on the other hand we need someone to tell us how things are done, so as long as we assume that people are better, we estimate that they do have the keys; Someone could tell us how things are done, giving us that security that we like so much. But there really is no such guarantee. There is only the option to gamble. Today it becomes unbearable to choose what is right or not, what is ethical or not, in the face of my desire; to choose is to be alone.
3. Seek to put your energy outside of yourself
It is common to hear how people postpone appointments: looking for a job, starting hobbies, for another time when they feel better… What if I told you it was just the other way around? How about we bet on love first? Understanding love as an interest in people, studies, work… love for everything, for life in general.
Far from promoting individualism, self-image, self-help, tending to ego strengthening, psychoanalysis is committed to love. Taking the path of love allows you to live with less discomfort, because having all or almost all interest in yourself has the disadvantage that it entails a lot of agitation, and that is experienced with discomfort, it is something very intense and distressing.
In his text “Introduction to Narcissism” of 1914, Freud noted:
I love this last statement from Freud. It gives us the key to feeling good. If what you are looking for is more self-esteem, What relationships, projects… do you have your energy focused on? We are what we are interested in. But you have to be careful, because it seems that love (in its broadest sense) and self-love are exclusive. Not everything for others, not everything for oneself.
4. There is also something in you that works against you.
Surely there are days when you come up high and feel with good self-esteem, and other days without much explanation you feel insufficient or insecure (aspects related to self-esteem).
In our daily lives we can see how we often act against what we want You have to be warned and know the ways in which each person trips themselves up. We believe that we are owners of everything we do and say, but we have all experienced that there are times when something stronger than us pushes us to act against ourselves. The enemy is not outside, we have him incorporated.
Sometimes the feeling of inferiority is based on the premise that we can do anything and that if you put your mind to it, anything is possible That, more than a lack of self-esteem, is an excess of esteem. Starting from that premise is believing that we are omnipotent, and that is a delusion of the Self that in the event of any contingency will be easily affected.
It is convenient to assess what things are possible, and what things are not under our control and are impossible. This way it will be easier to get rid of the feeling of helplessness, inability.
It is worth taking the time to learn the ins and outs of self-esteem and all the substance it has. And it is good to know and know, but for something to be transformed it is not enough to accumulate information, you have to experience the unconscious. In this sense, analytical work is very enriching, because it allows us to detect and question the axioms with which we operate and interpret the facts, and dropping the filter of misinterpretations provides new values. It also allows you to locate the “enemy” and take charge of what this entails, without blaming others and without self-reproaches. Furthermore, it allows us to clarify and establish what falls within the possible and what is of the order of the impossible, automatically alleviating the feeling of inability and uselessness.
That gives a tranquility and an energy that is not based on strengthening the self or the image. You have to be willing, willing to confront yourself, make decisions, be surprised and laugh at how you do certain things. All of this is achieved by talking.
