The 5 Psychological Elements That Keep A Toxic Relationship Alive
If the very name of toxic relationships already indicates that they are not only unsatisfactory relationships, but also harmful… Why are they so common and can they last so long over time?
The truth is that beyond what common sense may seem, once you are within one of these dynamics of frequent dealings with someone with whom you have an emotional bond, making a “clean slate” is usually complicated.
When it comes down to it, human beings tend not to manage our social lives from pure rationality and a medium and long-term vision, and while that is not necessarily bad in all situations, it predisposes us to nurture friendships, courtships and marriages that do us no good.
So that… What are the psychological elements that lead us to keep a toxic relationship alive and that make us “trapped” in it? Let’s see it.
The term “toxic relationship” is used to refer to relatively stable social interaction dynamics that involve an emotional component, and that generate a lot of discomfort in one or both of the people involved. That is, it is a concept that can encompass a wide variety of relationships in which, although there is an emotional bond that leads to seeking the presence of the other person, In the medium and long term this fact is psychologically negative
Thus, toxic relationships can occur in the context of couple relationships, family relationships, and friendships. However, in cases where the damage is more extreme and at certain key moments there is the intention to cause harm (physical or psychological) to the other person, we do not speak of toxic relationships but of abuse, whether unidirectional or bidirectional. .
What keeps a toxic relationship alive?
These are the aspects that predispose us to stay in toxic relationships, causing their influence on our lives and our identity to become increasingly consolidated. They do not have to occur all at once in all cases.
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation that It consists of intentionally denying reality to try to make the victim question their own mental health and ability to perceive things
For example, it is reflected in a friend who flatly and repeatedly denies saying anything to the victim (when in fact he did say it), or in a husband who states that a few days ago an objective event occurred that both he and his wife seen and that never actually took place, or even in someone who suggests that their boyfriend suffers from dementia because they have seen clear signs of infidelity on his part.
At the same time that gaslighting produces emotional pain, this erosion of the victim’s self-esteem makes them feel more unprotected in the world, which makes the option of breaking up with that relationship (and consequently, losing the supposed support that that relationship) person offers) is intimidating.
On the other hand, Gaslighting makes it easy to go from a toxic relationship to a clear dynamic of abuse and can even leave consequences.
Emotional blackmail consists of making a person feel guilty for failing to offer psychological or material support to someone who doesn’t really need it, or at least not as much as he lets one intuit. That is, the entire burden of the relationship is placed on the backs of one of the people involved, making them feel bad for the simple fact of considering cutting off that relationship or at least radically changing that dynamic to promote a bond. more equitable and fair.
Thus, emotional blackmail leads many people subject to toxic relationships to continue with that harmful dynamic because otherwise they would feel bad about themselves, having internalized the belief that the other person needs everything to continue going that way and could not adapt to another situation.
3. Social pressure
Social pressure leads many people to not daring to break up with a toxic relationship for fear of disappointing your friends and/or family And culturally there is a certain tendency to want emotional or loving relationships to be reflected in a union of coexistence or daily interaction that lasts forever as long as those people live, especially in the case of courtship and marriage.
Similarly, the stigmatization of single people also plays an important role in the case of relationships.
4. Illusionary thinking linked to the desire to “change” the other person
Wishful thinking is what is known in English as “wishful thinking,” and it consists of confusing one’s own desires with indications that the hypothetical future we want to reach has a good chance of occurring. In the case in question, illusory thinking keeps toxic relationships afloat leading people to think that the other is changing for the better or is about to do so so if you have a little patience, that relationship will no longer be harmful.
Related article: “Cognitive biases: discovering an interesting psychological effect”
The fact of perceiving that one does not have the capacity to maintain an independent life for economic reasons also makes many people feel forced to continue reproducing all the actions necessary to maintain a toxic relationship with someone who offers them money, care, a roof…
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If you want to have professional psychological assistance, whether in individualized psychotherapy or family or couples therapy, contact us.
In Psychology For We have been caring for patients for more than two decades, and we offer our services to people of all ages. You can find us in our center located in Madrid (in the Goya neighborhood) or you can opt for the online therapy modality by video call.
