Human beings are social and emotional animals, something that is evident in our capacity for empathy. Through this ability, which is not exclusive to our species, we can put ourselves in other people’s shoes, understanding how they feel.
But with empathy also comes the ability to feel guilt, an emotion that usually arises when, after having said or done something harmful, we regret it and begin to feel bad because we know that we have caused harm to another person, even if we did not mean to.
There are several types of guilt depending on what its cause is and how it affects us on an emotional level, typologies that we will see in more depth below.
The fault is a human feeling that, despite being unpleasant, is undoubtedly part of our being There are many things that can awaken a feeling of guilt in us, sometimes real and other times the product of suspicions and unfounded ideas. There are people who may feel guilty because something inside tells them that they are doing things wrong, despite not having an objective reason to believe it.
But why do we feel guilt? The fault (pardon the redundancy) lies with our empathy. People are social and emotional animals. Throughout our lives we go through a whole maturation process in which we learn to feel and manage all types of emotions, allowing us to regulate both our own internal states and understand them and know how to see them in other people
Empathy is what allows us to understand others, being a fundamental aspect for our social life. By understanding how other people feel, we are able to establish deep ties, as well as knowing how to relate to them. For example, if we see someone sad it is normal that we try to support them, encourage them emotionally. On the other hand, if we see her in a bad mood, we may avoid interacting with her at that moment, since it is not appropriate.
But even though we try to treat others in the most appropriate and prosocial way possible, sometimes we don’t. Whether because we are in a bad mood or we are not aware of what we do and say, it can happen that our actions hurt others. It may be hostility, aggression, or simply carelessness, but regardless of what it was, we have hurt someone’s emotions. At that moment our capacity for empathy makes us feel how the other person feels and, as a consequence, the feeling of guilt appears.
1. Healthy guilt and neurotic guilt
We can say that There are two main types of guilt depending on whether the cause that causes it is easily identifiable or not The ideas of healthy guilt and neurotic guilt draw heavily on psychoanalytic theses, being present in the development of the first modern psychological theories.
We start by talking about “healthy” guilt, that which we can feel on a more daily basis. It is the type of guilt that arises after feeling that someone has been hurt and, therefore, has an easily identifiable cause. It is the regret that is felt when we have said or done something that, later, our empathy has made us see that it was wrong to do it.
It is that same empathy that pushes us to repair the damage and prevent it from happening again It is in this idea where we can see the functionality of guilt from an evolutionary perspective, motivating us to establish compensatory behaviors, prosocial behaviors to correct the errors that have damaged our social relationships.
It is usually accompanied by attempts to prevent and repair what has been done since the person knows that they feel bad because they have done something wrong, that the emotional responsibility falls on them and they have the moral obligation to fix the situation, even if it is with a mere apology.
However, sometimes there is no possibility to repair the damage. This can be a problem, since the work of elaborating guilt can cause these feelings to become persecutory guilt, and the impossibility of reparation or elaboration can lead us to seek punishment as an exculpation, a masochistic behavior that It can aggravate our psychological state.
1.2. neurotic guilt
From a psychoanalytic perspective, we speak of neurotic guilt when the feelings associated with guilt do not seem to be connected to any causative reality. Although the cause of the feeling of guilt is not known, the truth is that Guilt continues to be felt in the form of a heavy burden that accompanies the person who constantly feels guilty
Since it is not known where this guilt comes from, it is very difficult for the person to get rid of this emotion through compensatory behaviors. Who has he hurt? What have you done? It can be fixed? These questions are not answered, but he continues to feel guilty and his life can turn into a nightmare.
It may also happen that you do know what the cause of your guilt is, but there is no human way to compensate for anything because he feels bad for something he did in the most remote past of his existence, this is childhood. As children we do things that, as adults, we know are not right and that, even though we are aware that children are unconscious of their actions, we feel bad for those little girls who, although innocent, caused harm to other people like our parents or siblings.
Now that we have discussed the two main types of guilt depending on whether the cause is identifiable or, on the contrary, is very hidden in the layers of the unconscious of the person who feels guilty. Now, We are going to see the four main types of guilt according to the specific thing that causes them, also commenting on the emotions involved
2.1. Guilt for not adequately preventing
In this type of guilt, the person who feels guilty wishes they could have avoided the circumstances as they occurred, but they couldn’t.
That is why he feels very responsible for the things that happened, so much so that takes responsibility for problems that did not really depend on him and that, therefore, he did not at any time have the ability to solve or avoid
It is the fault of an internal locus of identity and produces a lot of anxiety, frustration, depression and a feeling of lack of control in your life.
2.2. Guilt over unresolved issues
It is the feeling of guilt arising from matters that it is considered that have not yet been resolved and that it is not believed that it is possible to find any solution to them
It is the typical guilt that some people suffer while grieving the loss of a loved one, feeling that there were unfinished business and that death prevented them from being closed, anger and fights that had not yet been settled with a sincere and pleasant “I’m sorry.”
This is also the guilt that is felt for not having been kind and affectionate enough with that person who is no longer here The person greatly regrets not having given more kisses, hugs, signs of affection to show how much he loved that person that death has taken from him. All of this brings with it a lot of sadness, melancholy and frustration.
23. Guilt for feeling like you don’t meet expectations
This is the guilt felt by many people raised in environments where the bar was set very high. Everyone wants to meet certain expectations, but their degree of connection with reality makes them aware that there are certain things that cannot be achieved, either due to lack of talent or because, simply, one cannot have everything in this life.
Unfortunately, there are people who demand too much of themselves, too much In order to satisfy the wishes of their demanding parents, they feel that they must comply with everything and more, but they cannot and that causes them a lot of frustration. They fear rejection, other people’s disappointment and, since they have not achieved everything they wanted, they feel like failures.
2.4. Guilt for fear of rebuilding life
Another guilt associated with grief is the fear of rebuilding one’s life. Whether you have lost someone because they have passed away or you have broken up with him or her, many people feel guilty for enjoying life after the end of the relationship has happened. They believe that they do not have the right to rebuild their lives or that, if they do, it is as if they were betraying that person
Behaviors as positive and therapeutic as laughing, feeling happiness and joy for having a good day, meeting other people may be seen as something inappropriate, something that will make them forget the good time they had with someone who is no longer there. These beliefs are typical of a person who has a very restrictive concept of love.
And how to make the guilt disappear?
The reasons behind our feeling of guilt can be very varied. What makes us feel remorse can be very varied, which implies different possibilities for solutions. Sometimes, we cannot completely eliminate this feeling, but we can manage it and, at least, from a more rational perspective, understand that everything in our power has been done to correct the damage we have (or believe) we have done. made.
Repair
By repair we talk about the series of actions focused on repairing the reality that we have altered In other words, it consists of trying to alleviate the damage that we consider we have caused, in the form of actions or words, to other people.
To do this, we use compensatory behaviors of all kinds, such as apologizing to those affected, paying for what we have broken, or doing personal favors to the person or people who have felt some type of discomfort because of us. As time goes by, our feeling of guilt will reduce.
Related article: “Conflict resolution: crises or hidden opportunities?”
Elaboration
Elaboration is the phenomenon consists of the psychological work that our mind does, reasoning, understanding, remembering and seeking the relationships between the thoughts that overwhelm us and they cause these feelings in us. This guilt reduction strategy aims to progressively transform the unpleasant experience of guilt into an experience of growth and maturation, which leads us to convert this feeling into a less painful one.
The elaboration work is essential in any psychological consultation. The feeling of guilt, both with an identifiable cause and when it is not so clear, can be a problem for your mental health and therefore should be worked on in the consultation as another symptom. By helping the patient to elaborate on his guilt, faster relief can be achieved, in addition to learning from what caused it.
