Assertiveness is a communication strategy that allows us to defend our rights and express our opinion freely and clearly with respect for ourselves and others. Now… how is it useful to us, exactly, in our daily lives?
The assertive person knows how to say “no” and is able to show his opinions and positions clearly (for example, expressing reasoning in order to justify an idea, a feeling or a request). The assertive person expresses understanding towards the visions, feelings and demands of others. He knows his own rights and defends them trying not to go “to win”, but to reach an agreement.
His speech is fluid and confident. Maintains direct eye contact (without being challenging) and a relaxed body position. Additionally, they have the ability to openly disagree, shaping their own tastes and interests, asking for clarification and saying “no” when necessary. The feelings that are frequently associated with the assertive person respond to good self-esteem, a feeling of emotional control and high satisfaction in personal relationships.
What characterizes the passive communication style?
The passive person shows little ambition, few desires and principles. Defends others but does not defend personal interests The behavior that we usually observe is characterized by a low tone of voice, less fluent speech, and avoidance of eye contact.
The submissive person denotes a significant insecurity about his own speech (“what I can say is not important”) and his figure in relation to others (“I do not participate so as not to disturb”), at the same time he expresses frequent complaints to third parties (“this person does not understand me” ). The most recurrent feelings of the passive person are related to helplessness, guilt, frustration, and low self-esteem.
And what characterizes the aggressive communication style?
The aggressive person defends personal rights and interests excessively without taking into account those of others (sometimes, he does not take them into account, other times, he lacks the skills to face certain situations). The behavior that we often observe from this communication style is a raised tone of voice, sharp speech, a fast and hasty pace of conversation, challenging eye contact, and a clear tendency to counterattack.
Some of the thoughts that the aggressive person may present are: “I don’t care what you think, only I matter,” “I don’t make mistakes,” “people should be like me,” etc. Increased anxiety, loneliness, guilt, feelings of lack of control, frustration and low self-esteem are feelings that are closely linked.
What could be the reason for the lack of assertiveness?
There are four main causes why a person may have assertiveness problems:
We observe the first cause when the person has not learned to be assertive or has done so in an inappropriate way. The behaviors or skills to be assertive are learned; They are habits or patterns of behavior There is no innate assertive or non-assertive personality.
Assertive behavior is learned through imitation and reinforcement (parents, grandparents, tutors and friends are some models). In the learning of a non-assertive person there may have been a systematic punishment for assertive behaviors a lack of reinforcement for them, or the reinforcement towards passive or aggressive behaviors has been greater (for example in the case of a passive person who, thanks to fragility, has received extra attention).
The second cause appears when the person knows the appropriate behavior but anxiety prevents you from carrying it out In this case there is an association with a highly unpleasant and traumatic experience(s) that may have limited or blocked the assertive response.
The third cause is one in which the person does not know or rejects his or her rights (for example, the result of an education that has made that individual submissive).
And finally we see the fourth cause when the person has irrational thinking patterns (specific mental schemes and associated beliefs) that prevent you from acting assertively.
Is it related to self-love?
Being assertive helps us to be treated with respect and dignity, to express our own feelings and opinions, to be listened to, to know how to say no without feeling guilty, to make requests, to be independent, to enjoy and enjoy, to feel relaxed and dedicate a time for us.
Establishing unassertive communication can cause interpersonal conflicts, frustration, feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, tension, loneliness, and loss of control. With an assertive communication style, one solves problems more easily, feels more relaxed, more at ease with oneself, satisfied and, in this way, more easily obtains what one wants without generating conflicts.
Of course. Let’s remember that we are not born being assertive people, assertive behavior is learned A good way to start being assertive is to use the following phrases when starting a conversation:
The objective is prepare a speech and offer a space when interacting with others in order to allow and allow yourself to be heard.
The benefits of assertiveness
Being an assertive person has a series of benefits. They are the following:
