There are often many couples who come to my consultation with problems in which a point of agreement has not been reached between them due to problems that have arisen. Many times the emotional response of some of them is based on two points: keeping quiet (as if it were going to be fixed by magic) or running away from the problem (not dealing with it again).
This obviously only makes the problem bigger, as hiding trash under the rug will eventually cause us to trip over it as we walk over it and fall. This is what a poorly resolved relationship conflict translates into: garbage hidden so as not to be treated that at a given moment bothers us and makes that nauseating smell cloud our thoughts, making us unable to do anything other than face it. The way to deal with it will be to externalize it.
Unfortunately, in the people with poor emotional communication in relationships These types of problems are frequent, with behaviors that will create frustration and anxiety in others by seeing us as strange and not understanding us.
1. 5 second rule: before expressing something, count
It is important that we do not fall into impulses when we express ideas Many times we respond by being heated thinking that they are provoking us, which makes us cry out loud and say things without thinking about them. Therefore, I suggest that before speaking you try to calm down and count 5 mississippis. It seems silly, but trust me, it works.
2. Now or never: what bothers you, talk about it in the moment
It’s funny, but… haven’t you sometimes exploded over something stupid, remembering something else that bothered you at the time? Don’t you realize how you unconsciously carry over unresolved conflicts? To do this, it is important to say something when it bothers you, even if you think it is a small thing. Talking about it constructively helps to resolve it and our partner to see the things that bother us since she is not a fortune teller.
3. Constant tone: no shouting
Be careful, the shapes are the last thing to be lost. Raising the tone in a conversation causes us to break one of the main rules, respect Therefore, it is important to maintain a constant tone, neither too high (implies aggressiveness) nor too low (implies arrogance). Maintaining a stable and clear line of voice will allow us to exchange opinions much better.
4. A goal: I am like this because…
It is important that we make clear the issue we are talking about.
More than once we have noticed our partner strange and without knowing what is happening to him, until at one point we squeeze him and he tells us his anger. Therefore, to avoid this, When we have discomfort, it is best to express the problem, and as a result we will discuss it with our partner remembering to maintain the points previously stated.
5. Express the problem from what it has made you feel
I think it’s a good idea and it’s what works best, given that This way you don’t start your debate with an accusation, but rather by showing how you feel and that will make your partner see that he has made you feel bad and that you are starting from a point of internal reflection, which will make things easier to be able to face them.
Logically, we cannot carry out good communication while we are watching TV or avoiding situations and talking while leaving. When one of us wants to start a conversation, it is important to look into each other’s eyes, that we are both at the same height (if he is sitting, so are we), and If we are busy at that moment, suggest continuing the conversation a little later so we can focus our attention on the conversation 100%.
After all, if they talk to us sitting from the ground and we stand up, it’s going to be a bit uncomfortable. Therefore, being able to talk face to face is essential and will make things easier.
7. Your partner is not a fortune teller
Many times, our verbal communication is influenced by supposed beliefs that we make based on how our partner should act, turning us into teachers and transforming the relationship into a continuous examination based on constant evaluation
In situations like this, the other feels that they have to satisfy all our current needs and pass all the tests we give them, such as: saying good morning, answering our calls, not leaving us read on WhatsApp, etc. In this way we will become selfish (and, by the way, controlling), not allowing him to be less attentive to us for his personal reasons (he may be having a bad season at work, he is worried about something, etc. .).
We thus adopt a very childish and immature posture called “selfism”, in which only our health, our routine, our state of mind matter… in short, only we matter and we project onto the other person that they must be a slave to our state. of spirit, thus being attentive to us full-time. Have you stopped to think that maybe you should ask if everything is okay and stop expecting behavior and jumping to conclusions?
8. Wait for it to finish
In emotional communication as a couple, you have to be clear about something: learning to listen is essential
If you start a conversation or start it with you, wait for it to end. Leaving in the middle of an argument not only makes things worse, but also prevents the matter from being resolved. Respect the turns and take the opportunity to speak when it’s your turn. This way, you can make it clear what is bothering you and what can be done.
It is important, during these talks, that common solutions are reached through an agreement; see them like this and not as a toll in which we have to pay in the form of a downpour in the face of which we only intend to listen so that it passes and we can continue doing our things. In short, I propose to debate.
Conclusion
As he said: patience is the mother of science, and in romantic relationships, if we stop to listen patiently and form communication based on trust, we will achieve a better relationship. For more information do not hesitate to contact me.
