“There are criminals who so boldly proclaim ‘I killed her because she was mine’, just like that, as if it were a matter of common sense and fairness of all justice and the right of private property, which makes a man the owner of a woman. But no one, not one, not even the most macho of the super macho has the courage to confess ‘I killed her out of fear’, because at the end of the day, a woman’s fear of a man’s violence is the mirror of a man’s fear of a woman. fearless.”
—Eduardo Galeano
There is a long history of generations and centuries through which inequality between men and women has been legitimized, always based on a myriad of arguments: theological, psychological, moral and even biological.
This way of thinking has consecrated multiple forms of aberrant treatment towards women, covert treatment nurtured in the strictest privacy, however, today it is frankly impossible to continue hiding this reality.
It is very common that when talking about this topic, terms are confused and meanings are mixed, so first of all we should differentiate the dichotomy between violence and aggressivenessto avoid offering value judgments and making certain stereotyped attributions.
Aggression and violence
We understand then how aggressiveness that innate and adaptive capacity of the human being that guarantees its own survival, while the concept of violence responds to a set of social values associated with aggressiveness, so that in this case we are dealing with maladaptive and socially learned behavior.
When a woman victim of gender violence requires professional intervention, a group of particularities must be taken into account to avoid falling into the trap of trivializing her experience, offering contributions that involuntarily blame her or that awaken in her a certain feeling of incomprehension.
Violence within a relationship does not appear overnight, it goes through endless crossroads before the victim can identify the ordeal that the relationship with their attacker will bring. According to the American psychologist Leonor Walker, violence runs through a cycle composed of three phases.
When a woman enters the bowels of this circle is when she stops visualizing possible escape alternatives and finds herself trapped in the situation. A cognitive dissonance is generated in her between the enjoyment experienced in the relationship and the nameless discomfort she suffers, because contrary to what is usually thought, there are not only screams, insults, threats and blows, there is also tenderness, affection and sweets. details that make the woman bloom in the thought of having finally found the man of her life.
First phase: increased tension in the couple
In the first phase of the cycle, the nameless discomfort begins to come to life, an increase in tension is perceived between both members timid signs of what will later be aggression are established, such as shouting and small fights. The woman accepts these abuses as legitimately directed at her because she thinks she may be deserving of such aggression.
The attacked person tries to find endless excuses and reasons to understand what is happening, to the point of assuming that he himself, through his behavior or attitude, is the one who has provoked the anger of his aggressor, and what most perpetuates the cycle, You tend to think that over time you will be able to change your partner’s behavior, a fact that is never true.
This phase It can last for days, weeks, months or even years. Before, major incidents of aggression do not occur. From man’s perspective, he is increasingly sensitive, everything bothers him, he gets irritated very easily, and he gets angry over objectively insignificant things.
In the second phase proposed by L. Walker an unstoppable release of tension is experienced that have been accumulating during the course of the previous phase. There is a lack of control over the totally destructive behavior, the woman accepts that the anger of her aggressor is out of control but she cannot do anything to calm it down, it is in this phase when physical aggression or total psychological destruction arises.
The aggressor is the only one who can put an end to this state. Its duration is around 2 to 24 hours, during which the woman is blamed for everything that happened. It should be noted that it is at this moment when the woman is completely susceptible and open to receiving professional help due to the great fear she feels of being mistreated again.
Third phase: repentance of the aggressor
In the third and final phase before starting the entire cycle again, a state of deep regret is experienced on the part of the aggressor which takes advantage of the victim’s vulnerability to offer him docile doses of affection and attention, showing at all times a behavior and attitude of affliction and internal remorse.
It is at this moment where the entire cycle of violence is perpetuated, the woman feels loved and happy again, which leads to placing herself in a position of complete trust towards her aggressor. The duration of this stage denotes a shorter duration than the first phase but longer than the second, so trying to offer help at this time will not provide any positive result, the woman is once again deeply in love and subject to the will of the aggressor. she. As the cycle repeats, this third phase tends to be minimized until it disappears, at which point the Honeymoon comes to an end.
The repetition of these cycles is what usually leads to an increase in violence, which translates into greater danger for the woman, who begins to think that there is no alternative or possible way out, thus plunging into the deepest surrender. The truth is that, sometimes, shocking or traumatic events leave those who suffer them anchored in the day or time in which they occurred, thus activating a state of shock that can paralyze all life in a second.
Complaints that end up being withdrawn
The repeated succession of these cycles is also the reason why many women tend to withdraw the complaints filed and many even want to return to their attackers to resume the relationship, a situation that the majority of society never understands.
About him Day against gender violence
We should not promote no to gender violence one day a year, It must be a constant speaker to reach those ears that have lost all will to move forward, The first step must be to make ourselves aware of how this fabric that subtly envelops its victim is woven and evolves.
“More than thirty thousand women appear as victims of gender violence in the total of 32,023 complaints presented to judicial bodies. Requests for protection orders increased by more than 9 percent. The president of the Observatory, Ángeles Carmona, understands that the increase in complaints and convictions can reveal greater social and institutional awareness regarding sexist violence.”
