You give him all of yourself, because you think he is the person of your life. But, you’re still the lover. Is it worth it to you?
The concept of “lover” can be understood through two points of view. In the first case, the lover is that person who is only looking for a sexual and passionate relationship in their life that they can enjoy. In the second case, we must refer to the lover in a marriage. Understanding, that relationship of love, sex, affection and passion with the obstacle that the person you have chosen to share your love is already married to another. This type of lover, or colloquially known as “the other” or “the other”, is usually carried discreetly and clandestinely for friends and family. Since it represents a high cost for the man or woman who is married. However, the higher cost of the romantic relationship may harm the lover’s self-esteem or personal growth.
Generally, we tend to find the profile of being a lover in women and not in men. According to data from the Phiero survey, last year 81% of men claimed to have been unfaithful, in the case of women the percentage dropped to 53%. The reality is that unlike men, women who find themselves in the role of lovers to a married man tend to be more intense and focused on the relationship. Even being aware that they are in a relationship that comes and goes so that his wife does not find out about his affair, lovers come to disconnect from their loved ones, betting everything on that forbidden relationship. On many occasions, “the other one” tends to get frustrated when she is in love because the man does not separate from her even though she promises it hundreds of times. They usually end up going to therapy arguing that they feel lost and undervalued.
As a result of the therapies carried out with women immersed in a affair with a married person, systemic therapies deduced that many women acquire the role of mother, due to the bad relationship between the man and his wife. The reality is that the married man has obligations to his wife and his children, and the insecurities in the lover will become more present. Going through situations of jealousy when seeing that they spend more time with them than with you or even always feeling like the second dish. Continuing through mistrust, being aware that just as your relationship is a secret, there could be others. Or even, in the event that he definitely left his family for you, it could happen again because he has already had an affair with you and could repeat the pattern. In the end, looking for a role will be your best asset within a love triangle in which you find yourself: the betrayal towards the other person and the pain you are feeling for being a secret.
The roles deduced through systemic therapies were differentiated in two ways and can even occur in the same prohibited relationship:
1. The strong woman
We locate the role of the “mother” in the romantic relationship. The woman is usually the mature one in the relationship and the one who takes charge of an immature, insecure, unfaithful and lost man. She is the one who directs the relationship even though her partner is married.
2. The girl
In this case, we find a very different type of woman, she is usually capricious, conceited and even superficial in many aspects. They look for men who pamper them and treat them like a queen.
Relationships are complicated and even more so when the emotional damage of each of the parties involved is so present. Seeing the other person as a coward and wanting more, feeling selfish for loving someone and not being able to express it, alone for having avoided the people around you by focusing on yourself affair without reaching a common point where you can see the light at the exit of the tunnel. Relationships are not a movie that gives us a distorted vision of a happy ending between an unfaithful man and his lover. The real world is very different, and many times allowing ourselves a pause to think and see beyond what we have is positive to realize reality and that realistically, very few people end up getting divorced to be with the lover in a situation of infidelity. They may be more or less happy, but in the vast majority of cases the unhappy feel that they have been able to recover an illusion that they had lost with their wife.
In that case, we must be honest and realize what that type of relationship is costing us, because even if we try not to think about what the third person may feel, our integrity as people and authenticity are being corrupted. It is harming us psychologically, affecting our nervous system and our feelings. A healthy love relationship should be rewarding, committed, understood, joyful, healthy and passionate. Love should not be a company because we do not know how to be alone or a burden that gives us long-term suffering. Joy is one of the pillars that support love and human happiness. Is it yours?
