When the decision is made to live as a couple, it must be taken into account that this union will be formed by two people with their own singularities and clear differences, among other things because they had very particular family environments, which formed them to be who they are.
Thus, when it comes to facing couple crises, each one will try to resolve it according to what they have learned. All the complexity of human behavior It has to do with your way of upbringing since it is from there where the person takes their references to respond to the circumstances they must face.
The way in which we interpret the circumstances we experience is directly related to the unconscious modeling that each one has, and which is copied directly from the example they received from their parents. Although each member of the couple has experienced very particular situations, it is amazing how these experiences are connected with the purpose of teaching each one. What do you need to learn to avoid repeating these patterns?
The problem, I would say, begins in the falling in love phase, because most of the traumas acquired in the childhood phase are not visible, but as people spend more time together, Situations arise that will accentuate differences, unleashing an avalanche of problems and sufferings that hide patterns and learning, causing an extremely difficult coexistence that could even end in the breakup of the relationship.
Abuse is one of the most consulted topics in therapeutic processes and Very rarely are people aware of what really motivates them to be aggressive in their relationships with their partner or family For some, it is a discovery to realize the pattern they repeat and the lesson they need to learn, and the most unfortunate thing is that in many cases it is already too late to repair all the damage they have caused.
This dysfunctional dynamic that occurs between the couple is not a product of chance, because in cases like this both, to a greater or lesser extent, suffered situations of abuse, and although these circumstances may have been similar, it did not affect them in the same way.
Patterns of abuse established during upbringing They are the product of environments where they frequently witnessed fights between parents where the father was abusive and attacked the mother, and many of these fights were triggered by the constant complaints of the mother, who realized that her partner was unfaithful and/or irresponsible with the needs of the home, or because abused alcohol, or because the children were also physically and/or psychologically abused, etc.
Seeing themselves immersed in a sea of suffering and with no possibility of change on the part of their partner, over the years many mothers decide to separate and continue raising their children. This situation, which was the only viable option (although having allowed a lot of time to pass), also formed behavioral patterns that affected the children in different ways. These patterns, which are part of the human unconscious, become translators of each person’s reality; The interpretation they give to the circumstance they live in the present is the one they use to continue living their daily circumstances.
These patterns form translators who act mechanically and instinctively. For example, when something happens in the family dynamic with which they do not agree, the pattern of anger wrongly translates that this disagreement must be responded to, with blows or insults; and so on totally dysfunctional behaviors are presented where resentment, low self-esteem, irresponsibility, dishonesty in the relationship, abandonment or helplessness syndrome, inclination towards vices, etc. emerge.
A change of roles
When the separation of parents occurs at a very early age of the children, The void that the father figure generates in both boys and girls is very different Generally, the mother has to assume these two roles, and in many cases she has to use the help of her eldest son or daughter, who assumes a leadership role to complement tasks, especially with the care of her siblings. she.
This assignment of tasks at an early age has caused a lot of frustration and anger towards the father, but also towards the mother, because many of them They stopped living their normal stages of development to become precocious adults to cope with the burdens imposed by the mother
For certain adults, the mother’s words (“now you are the man of the house”) continue to carry weight in a dysfunctional way, even though time has passed and they have made their own lives.
