The Fear Of Commitment After Ending A Relationship
Different levels of intimacy are achieved in relationships. There are more formal relationships than others, some aimed at short-term enjoyment and others considering how to organize life as a couple in the long term, thinking about getting married and having children.
The formula is relatively simple: if you are both comfortable with it being a casual relationship, it will go well; If both of you want to reach a higher level of commitment, that will also be fine. But, when one wants more commitment and the other doesn’t, that’s when there’s a problem.
Commitment phobia is very common in men and women, but it is more so especially when you have the history of having left a relationship that went very badly Let’s address it below.
Relationships are never easy. In the same way that we can share moments of genuine happiness and satisfaction with our boyfriend or girlfriend, at other times there can be tension, conflicts and arguments that can cause the end of the relationship. Despite this reality, There are many relationships that end up overcoming their bad streaks and acquire an increasingly greater level of commitment reaching the point of, as in the stories of a lifetime, they get married and have children.
But other relationships don’t evolve this way. Although on many occasions they do not commit because both lovers want it that way, on other occasions it happens that one does want to have greater intimacy, but the other simply does not share this opinion. Not only does he not want to, but you could say that he has a commitment phobia. And in that “commitment” we are not only talking about proposing to get married and having children, but also about any way of committing to another person, being something more than two individuals who maintain relationships.
Commitment phobia is common, especially when you have left a relationship that ended badly. It is difficult to talk about romantic relationships that ended well, but in the few in which both leave it by mutual agreement It is inevitable that it will leave some wound in the hearts of both, wounds that make you not want to reach any level of commitment with new partners for a while. Much less if the relationship ended catastrophically, an assumption that fuels such a phobia even more.
Breakups can trigger many emotions and feed certain beliefs that predispose us to have an almost pathological fear of committing to potential new partners It may have happened to you, so what follows may help you understand more deeply the root of such fear.
What is commitment phobia?
But before talking about what the particularities of commitment phobia are after leaving a relationship, we must understand exactly what we mean by such a phobia. By itself, it implies fear of establishing a long-term relationship, of any kind. It manifests itself in the form of a lot of anxiety a feeling that floods the mind of those who experience it with all kinds of worries, in this case about what could go wrong if they commit to a partner.
Committing to someone involves acquiring a greater level of intimacy, a degree of mutual knowledge. It involves connecting more with the person you are said to be dating. Greater commitment equals more sacrifice for the relationship, but it is also expected to have more benefits from the other person. If the person fears having to go through this step, this sacrifice, despite the benefits that it would initially entail and what the other party expects from him, it is a matter of time before the relationship ends. Being afraid of commitment makes it difficult to maintain long-term relationships because, no matter how informal it may be, if one of the lovers wants to go a little further and the other doesn’t, the disagreement between the two will end up condemning the relationship Characteristics of people with fear of commitment
Generalizing and giving universal characteristics about what people with commitment phobia are like is risky. Yes, we can be a little more specific when talking about the profile in which we have this fear after leaving a relationship, but we must still clarify that not all people with this fear of commitment behave in the same way. People are very varied, and so are relationships, and the way commitment phobia occurs in them varies depending on the context.
We have those who, after having overcome a breakup, do not dare to enter into a new relationship. They do not risk going out with anyone, not even having a very informal relationship, limited to sexual relations and meeting up from time to time. The fear is so great that they withdraw into themselves and do not seek new relationships. They may get the good side, this season without a partner being something even therapeutic, a moment of reflection on why they are afraid of commitment and recovering the energy they spent in their previous relationship. Maybe after a while they will dare to fall in love again.
Then we have cases of people who try to hide the problem under the excuse that they are very demanding, that they are looking for their ideal love. As everyone, They have in their mind the idea of their perfect partner, a prototype of a person that does not exist or that they are very unlikely to find People are not perfect and finding the deified better half is practically impossible.
However, these people do not have this idea in mind and they repeatedly refuse to commit to a new relationship, hoping that one day the definitive partner will arrive and, also, avoiding what happened to them in the previous one. Their way of seeing love can be interpreted as a self-sabotage mechanism. Since that ideal love that they want so much never arrives and they are not satisfied with the one they already have, they will never commit to a real relationship.
We also have the curious case of people who, on the surface, do not seem to have any fear of commitment. We are talking about those true conquerors in love, people who are successful whenever they set out to make a man or a woman fall in love with them. They are people who cannot be alone. This relationship is not due to the need to have someone who understands them, but more because of the fear of being left without a partner. Nevertheless, When the relationship becomes serious, they feel confused and run away And start again, they look for a relationship again, but with the very fresh experience that the last one was bad.
Despite these different profiles of people with commitment phobia after leaving a relationship, or that has predisposed them to break it up, we can find some common thought patterns and feelings:
Why are we afraid of commitment?
The fear of commitment is something shared by both men and women, although this fear has historically been attributed to the male gender. The main cause of the phobia of committing to a partner is usually an almost pathological fear of losing independence and freedom, lose control over our life and feelings Many fear that commitment will end up giving up their own way of being, their personality.
But there is another explanation when this fear occurs right after leaving a relationship. Breakups are, to a lesser or greater extent, traumatic. Stopping sharing part of our time and life with someone always leaves a mark. It is inevitable that, after a failed relationship, one wonders if he is going to love and be loved again or if he will be able to reach the same level of intimacy that he obtained in the previous relationship. There is also a fear that, if the previous relationship broke down due to betrayal, the same thing would happen in a new one. It is feared put trust in someone who could do the same
Fear is not negative in itself, but rather a warning mechanism that is activated when we perceive that something can harm us. There are a series of situations, places and times in which we feel safe, something that makes up what we call our comfort zone. When we see this area in danger, fear appears, the fear that our comfort zone is going to change and with it our security will be destabilized. Any change can pose a threat to our stability, even if such change is positive.
When you meet someone new, a potential partner, you will have to do new things, meet your friends and family, change some habits… there will be changes, so many that you may fear that when you reach a level of commitment, you will end up leaving everything behind. a life. A relationship is ultimately a matter of two, with both giving in in some aspects and making sacrifices. There is a fear that by connecting with another person, one will lose oneself and become dependent on another person
There are people who have developed a strong sense of independence, which means that, even if it is at an unconscious level, they reject the idea of becoming attached to another person. Creating ties, even if they are invisible, implies tying oneself in one way or another to another human being and can be perceived as denying the essence of oneself. You are no longer one, you are part of a couple. Part of our personality is sacrificed by giving up our freedom, and if the memory of the previous relationship is still very fresh, this experience motivates dating another person even less.
There are also cases that, after leaving a relationship, they want to take advantage of their newly acquired freedom and not miss a single opportunity. Going out with a new partner would mean giving up one path to take the other, so they prefer to embark on shallow and very brief relationships with several people than not continue with one thinking long term. It is a mixture of phobia but also a desire for freedom, of avoid missing out on what they consider they lost while dating their previous partner In these cases, the exclusive commitment to these people is overwhelming. They don’t want to waste time at all.
Other times it happens that, with the experience of the previous failed relationship, they fear that if they propose a commitment or reach a higher level of intimacy now the relationship will go wrong and they will suffer. In these cases it happens that it is preferable to continue with the relationship on an informal level rather than reach a deeper level by giving everything. The problem with this is that, no matter how much agreement there is between the two parties that the relationship remains that way, the relationship does not advance, does not evolve and stagnates. It is a matter of time before that state runs out, and you have to decide between moving up a level or ending the relationship.
And, without a doubt, the most intense commitment phobia is having a very bad romantic history. Having been through many, many failed relationships fuels commitment phobia even more. If your last relationship has caused you a lot of harm and made you suffer, you may generalize and attribute that unfortunate experience to all relationships. This makes him protect himself from love, which he considers always harmful, and consequently from commitment. Often, They fear that they are not in the right relationship or that the other person will abandon them without warning or simply make them suffer
