The Importance Of Being Assertive (and 7 Ways To Achieve It)
Have you ever been told, “you have to be more assertive”? The first thing you probably asked yourself is, but what is that? Assertiveness is a way of communicating clearly and firmly while being faithful to our feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires Putting assertive communication into practice is an act of love and respect towards oneself and others, since it invites dialogue in an honest, courteous, and open manner. Have you found yourself in situations where you wanted to express yourself calmly and confidently but fear of conflict, lack of trust, and the desire to please others prevailed? How did you feel afterwards? It is likely that you have lashed out and experienced frustration, sadness, and anger. It’s normal, you are not alone as I will show you in an example of my clients.
The good news is that assertiveness is a skill that we can develop with help. Imagine yourself speaking with calm, conviction, and precision. Feels great, right? And this has a benefit for our interlocutor too since he will understand how to communicate with us too.
When we put assertiveness into practice we are acting responsibly because we are taking charge of our possibilities, needs, and desires. When we are assertive we stop expecting others to guess what we feel and we free them from the pressure of reading our mind On the other hand, it is reasonable and thoughtful communication, from which we all benefit. One step at a time, we can learn.
The lack of assertiveness is closely related to our interactions as children and/or adolescents If our needs and desires were not taken into account, it is likely that we interpreted that they were not important or that it would bother us if we expressed them. If we have grown up without being validated by the people we respected, we may have a hard time taking our side. If we have internalized that in order to be loved we have to please others, we will fear disappointing them. That is why we must find the patterns that hinder our ability to be assertive so we can reverse them.
A real example to analyze
A client told me that his in-laws had come to visit him and that he had a terrible time. To begin with, they did not go out with their children, they were inside the house all day, and they did not collaborate with daily chores either. My client and his family lead a very active life and this represented a breakdown in his eco-system. When I asked him what was triggering his anger, he told me that he felt that the in-laws had not been considerate and that they had not noticed how exhausted he and his partner felt from serving them so much.
I asked him why he didn’t say anything. He confided in me that he was afraid of exploding instead of speaking, that he didn’t want to be misunderstood, and that at one point he wondered if it wasn’t selfish to make a point. Naturally, we began working to heal the causes that made it impossible for him to be assertive and then we focused on what to do about it.
