In adoption, as in all life’s momentous decisions, it is important to prepare both legally and emotionally.
Adoption, from a legal point of view, is constituted by a judicial resolution, seeks the interest of the minor, entails the achievement of the right to parental authority and determines the disappearance of the legal ties between the adoptee and the biological family. From an emotional point of view, it means welcoming a child from a different environment as a child, with all the rights and obligations with a culture and customs different from ours.
Adoption generates, on the one hand, new emotional ties and, on the other hand, the development of new roles and functions on the part of the parents and the child. This article aims to offer some recommendations that facilitate reflection on the meaning of adopting and preparing for the child’s arrival into the family
Key ideas to psychologically manage an adoption process
The moment a desire for adoption takes root, what is captured is the story of a rapprochement between different people who have feelings and states of mind derived from their history and personal experiences.
The adoption It is a long path of learning and managing emotions, both for the child who joins a family and for adults who begin in the role of parents of a “little person” who carries a burden that they are often unaware of.
This path requires that future parents be aware of their own feelings, the couple’s feelings, the family and social response and what is essential to correct the adopted child’s shortcomings. Let us not forget that: “an adopted child is an abandoned child.”
Abandonment represents a break in the bond that will leave a wound in the child and generate an insecure attachment After a period of time with their adoptive family, the percentages of secure attachment increase because a close and positive relationship generates security and, therefore, the ability to reestablish emotional ties.
It is important to be aware that for the adoption to be a success Parents, as the main attachment figure and repairers of the child’s wounds, must feel strong and be convinced of their ability as protective figures and givers of affection. This strength and capacity involves working on the emotions that invade them and the child, in each of the phases, using their internal resources or contacting professionals who provide them with tools and guidelines.
The importance of managing emotions when adopting
Let no one feel guilty if at a certain moment their strength fails or they feel discouraged and lost; It is the result of the roller coaster that emotions cause. It is important to know that around the next bend happiness and joy will explode. From the moment they decide to adopt a child, this whirlwind of emotions will accompany them throughout their lives.
Adoptive parents begin the path of parenthood through a different path than the biological one, and this involves different experiences and emotions for everyone, in each of the stages that lead to building a family.
The stages of adoption
Although the stages are similar (waiting, assignment-birth, meeting, trial in the case of international adoptions, adaptation and integration and consolidation as a family), the experiences of each of them and the associated emotions differ greatly from one form of parenthood to another. other.
1. Waiting stage
Once the decision has been made to build a family through adoption and the adoption application has been submitted, the path begins with the waiting stage: it is a long phase, in which Once the legal procedures have been completed and the documentation has been prepared, time passes very slowly Unlike biological parents who know that they will meet their child after nine months, adoptive parents do not know how long they can and this causes uncertainty, impatience and disappointment bathed in a lot of hope.
2. Assignment
At an indeterminate time, we enter the second stage: assignment. Parents receive a call informing them that their child is waiting for them, they explain the characteristics and background of the child and ask them if they want to meet him. This is a very intense moment and great confusion. On the one hand, the long-awaited desire for the meeting and on the other, the fear that the expectations created will not be met.
It is inevitable to create an image about the “little angel” that you are going to meet and wonder how he will react when he sees you (will he reject me, will he accept me, what will he think, how will he feel, why did they leave him, who will he have lived…). A lot of unanswered questions come to mind that generate a lot of excitement, nervousness, fear, anguish and insecurity in the face of the unknown, which are overcome by the absolute desire to meet the child and begin the journey as parents.
3. Meeting
The first meeting is the most anticipated stage, where the greatest desire of the future parents comes true: meet your son. Upon arriving at the center where the child is, the parents react in different ways: some cry, others laugh, others collapse, or have reactions that define panic (the parents feel terrified of not being able to live up to the “little person”). ” which you will know shortly).
The child, for his part, feels anxious and helpless: “I’m going to have parents, I don’t know what it is, or what’s going to happen to me, I don’t know them and this makes me very nervous.” At first, you parents are perfect strangers; Feelings of mutual strangeness and distrust of the child towards the parents will emerge. It is necessary to relax, transmit serenity and respect the child’s behavior to ensure that he also relaxes and you can interact. The easiest way to access the child is through play.
Generally, after a reasonable amount of time, the child will agree to play with you and at that moment the relationship that will last a lifetime and forge the bond begins to be built. When this occurs, happiness overwhelms parents and child and is the omen of certain success.
4. Adaptation
Then we will enter the adaptation stage, whose purpose is mutual knowledge and building the relationship that will generate trust and will lead to adoption.
Although this period can be very different between national and international adoptions due to the difference in the legal process, the main emotion is joy, which arises from the depths of our hearts and brings us tranquility, well-being and love. that pushes us to explore the environment and deepen our knowledge of others.
Once the competent entities decide that the adoption is favorable, both parents and child are ready to start a common adventure that will be formalized, beginning the real adventure of building a family.
This stage begins the day the child is picked up from the center where he or she has spent the last months or years of his or her life. This represents a very strong emotional blow for the child that generates helplessness and a lot of anxiety and that, generally, is reflected in inconsolable crying due to fear, rage, anger or disconnection with the environment, basically another loss.
Parents face this situation in a different way, they feel a deep emotion full of tenderness, love, joy, accompanied by a certain anguish. Giving up everything and putting yourself in the situation of the child, who feels as if he has just been kidnapped, makes it easier to understand him and help him overcome his pain. Understand the relational style you have experienced, the emotional ties you have had non-individualized group relationships, not feeling exclusive, not knowing what a father or a mother is… will facilitate your first steps in the family environment.
Once outside the center it is the moment of truth, it is the beginning of the journey as a family. Upon arriving home, the child may be curious and explore the environment by touching everything or, on the contrary, he may appear inhibited and not move.
From this moment on the child will have to face many changes: the way of relating (from the institutional sphere to the family sphere), the situation of abundance (affection, relationship, play), the cultural change (climate, language, food, environment) and sometimes the ethnic difference.
The child feels disorientation, restlessness and expectation. He is not confident that the new conditions are permanent. He must understand that this time he is different and they will not abandon him. You need to understand what is happening to you, get used to your new situation and learn what it means to live as a family Therefore, it is important that before starting their school life they spend a prolonged period at home to strengthen emotional ties with their family environment.
As parents, by observing the child, listening to him, seeing what he expresses and what his shortcomings are, pursuing him to meet his needs and showing him that you are there to protect him, care for him and love him, you will be able to consolidate his integration into the family. This implies “accompanying your child in her growth and attending to his formation as a human being, protecting him and giving him affection, values and norms that will place him in social life” (Meltzer, 1989).
It is necessary not to forget that “as parents, adoptive parents must fulfill the same functions as biological parents, but with an extra that comes from the adopted child.” The plus of the adoptive parents is to repair the damages and consequences derived from the entire previous history of the minor.” (Miravent and Ricart (2005)).
Parents and extended family participate in this reparative process In order for the child to feel like one of the family, it is necessary that the family foster an integrative attitude and a feeling of belonging. As the child feels safe in the family environment, he will dare to explore other environments and will begin to walk alone, investigate his origins, develop his identity and become a happy adult.
