The Most Common Zero Contact Mistakes

Accepting a breakup can be very difficult because losing someone with whom you shared an intimate connection is very painful. However, not accepting it will make it harder to recover, which is the ultimate goal of zero contact. Not accepting the breakup means that the person is stuck in the past and makes it difficult to move forward and recover.

Various studies in the field of psychology^1.2 have shown that the absence of contact with an ex-partner decreases the frequency and intensity of negative thoughts about the breakup. That is, the sadness and attachment you retain towards your ex decrease linearly over time. For this reason, one of the fundamental aspects of zero contact is to minimize the psychological presence of the ex-partner in our thoughts and our lives.

Not accepting the reality of the breakup fuels intrusive thoughts and prevents you from facing the pain of loss, which is necessary to heal. For this reason, It is essential to be willing to let go of the relationship, at least at the time after the couple broke up. Keeping hopes alive and denying the reality of separation, it is not possible to move forward, only go backwards.

After a breakup, it is common to idealize the relationship and remember only the good moments, forgetting or minimizing problems and disagreements. This is a natural human tendency, since after separation from a significant person there is a great feeling of loss and emotional emptiness and idealizing the relationship can help fill that void temporarily.

However, when idealizing we can make the mistake of forgetting and ignoring those aspects that precipitated the breakup, such as constant arguments, feelings of loneliness, times when our partner acted with disdain, off-color remarks, and pejorative epithets. Do not have contact with your ex-partner allows you to see the separation in a more realistic way and not like the end of the world.

Without sweat, it will be easier to overcome the relationship remembering everything that caused it to break up, rather than from the idealized belief of having lost the “perfect” relationship.

Having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is very important to our ability to move forward. However, sometimes when we are offered a simple and honest explanation, we reject it. The emotional pain after a breakup is so dramatic that our mind makes us believe that the cause must be equally dramatic. This instinct can be so powerful that it can lead even the most reasonable and restrained people to look for hyperbolic explanations and conspiracy theories where none exist.

One of the hardest things about a breakup is wondering if it could have been different or could have been avoided. The “what ifs” keep us anxious and they make us feel guilty. For example, we question whether we made the right decision or whether we could have done more. All of these thoughts keep us stuck in the past and cause us to fall into a cycle of negative thoughts and rumination.

The reality is that there is no explanation for the breakup that will be completely satisfactory or that will make the pain go away. Rationality or logic cannot erase emotional pain. You should avoid contacting your ex to ask for further explanations about your separation and accept the reality to move on.

A relationship breakup can in some ways be compared to drug withdrawal because of the way our brain processes and reacts to the loss of a significant relationship. When we are in a romantic relationship, our brain releases chemicals that make us feel good and help us create an emotional bond with our partner. However, when the relationship ends, the effect of these substances disappears and our brain faces a period of “abstinence” from that feeling of well-being and happiness.

This is the explanation why many people break zero contact. Most addicts know that they are addicts and can recognize warning signs about possible relapses that help them prevent them, but people who are going through a heartbreak are not aware of how attempts to reach out and communicate with their ex harm them.

Zero contact is like abstinence and Breaking it is a mistake because it makes recovery difficult In both cases, the idea is to stop depending on a substance (in the case of addiction) or a partner (in the case of a breakup) that has caused harm or been toxic to the person’s emotional and physical health. . By maintaining zero contact with an ex-partner or quitting drugs, you are choosing to take care of yourself and work toward a healthier future.

Examples of breaking zero contact

The impulses to break zero contact can be almost irresistible due to the need to get closer to our ex. Some common examples of common mistakes when breaking zero contact are as follows:

• Calls, text messages emails, any type of communication.
• “Stalk” their social networks, look at their latest posts, read comments on their posts, etc.
• Visit places where you would have an “accidental” meeting with your ex.
• Send you messages to congratulate the holidays or birthday. For example, for Valentine’s Day, Easter or Christmas.
• Maintain sporadic or continuous sexual encounters.
• ask friends common or familiar about your ex.

Every text you send and every second you spend stalking your ex on social media is feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain, and complicating your recovery.

Zero contact is a way to set healthy boundaries and take control of one’s life and relationships and a tool that serves to protect oneself, not to manipulate, control or harm the other person. Therefore, the silent treatment, power games, emotional blackmail, etc. It doesn’t work for having a healthier relationship with yourself and others, including your ex.

This type of manipulation They are a way to avoid emotional problems latent and perpetuate toxic dynamics In fact, they often do more harm than good, and when the partner discovers these tactics they may abandon the relationship because no one wants to feel their freedom coerced.

Therefore, it is a mistake to try to view zero contact as a technique or trick to manipulate, control, get revenge, or provoke jealousy. The best way to describe it is as a positive, empowering and self-affirming lifestyle, rooted in respect, self-love and the determination to leave a relationship that, although it hurts, is not working.

Another very common error of zero contact is what is known in psychology as the “self-justification effect.” This phenomenon consists of people tending to justify their own behaviors, while attributing responsibility for adversities to others. It is a way of hindering zero contact since HE They keep intense emotions like anger alive and burning and continued discomfort is generated. This becomes a harmful dynamic that prevents you from moving forward and not understanding your part of responsibility in the separation.

When you blame your ex for the entire weight of the breakup, you put yourself in the position of victim, as if you were helpless and had no responsibility for the breakup. Your partner may have made mistakes, but usually things aren’t always black and white.

Demonizing your ex may give you relief in the short term, but in the long term it will only breed resentment. In addition, it can prevent you from seeing your part of responsibility, so you will not have access to the personal growth necessary to learn and not repeat the situation in the future. After this, it is useful to ask yourself “In what three aspects can I improve to be a better partner in the future, in the event of a reconciliation or with a future partner?” Without responsibility, there is no growth, learning or evolution.

The relationship between boundaries and no contact is close, as both focus on protecting a person’s emotional and physical well-being. Boundaries are red lines that define our relationship with others and establish what we can and cannot tolerate in order to feel respected and safe. In this sense, zero contact is a specific way to put these boundaries into practice and temporarily distance yourself from a person after a separation to focus on yourself and overcoming emotional pain.

Thus, by setting clear boundaries and enforcing them through zero contact, one can protect their emotional and physical health. It is also a way to ensure that what hurt us will not be repeated. For example, if someone sets a boundary of not tolerating disrespect in a relationship, zero contact can be an effective way to put that boundary into practice. By temporarily distancing yourself from the person or situation, you prevent this situation from continuing to occur.

For this reason, establishing poorly defined limits is a mistake because makes it difficult to implement the zero contact period can create confusion in the relationship and will make it more difficult to move forward and get over the breakup.

Seeking external validation essentially means seeking confirmation of something you cannot provide for yourself. In the case of zero contact, seeking validation from your ex can be counterproductive if you need to constantly check if he or she has feelings for you.

It is not possible to maintain zero contact, take care of yourself, begin to heal and ultimately get your ex back or start a relationship with a new person if you still need their approval or confirmation that you are still important in their life.

On the other hand, even if you get some external validation, you’ll likely find that it’s not what you expected to feel. This is because The validation you really need has to come from yourself that is, an internal and not an external validation.

When a relationship ends, we may want to move on to something else as quickly as possible to avoid dealing with the pain, without giving ourselves time to really process what happened and how we feel about it. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable being alone after getting used to a partner and we want an easy solution, but if you keep jumping from one person to another, you will only repeat the same mistakes

One of the most important mistakes of zero contact is letting time pass or evading without making progress on a more personal level. Although time has passed, If you do not progress during this period there will be no real change nor significant advances. In this way, it is possible to fall into old harmful patterns, such as contacting the person again when it is not yet time or returning to relationships in a toxic way.

Progressing during zero contact helps you avoid these patterns and focus on yourself and take the time to acquire, cultivate and practice skills, activities that fill you with meaning, purpose and renewed hope. In turn, it will also foster a more complete and authentic version of yourself when you reunite with your ex or fall in love with someone new again and the dynamics of the relationship will be different.

In short, zero contact is an opportunity to reflect on yourself and past relationships, to learn from mistakes and grow as a person. For example, it makes it easier for you to reflect on what is essential and important things in your life, as well as make better decisions about your values, beliefs and what gives you meaning and feel fulfilled.

Romantic breakups are complicated and very complex. Therefore, zero contact is usually a good way to manage the intense emotionality and immediate pain after the breakup. If both people involved in the separation decide to have zero contact, it can have several consequences. Some of them could be:

• Enable the space and time needed to process the breakup and heal emotional wounds.
• Allow both people to focus on their own growth, goals and personal development
• Can help avoid unnecessary confrontations and arguments that could further damage the couple’s relationship at a critical moment.

However, zero contact can also come with some drawbacks. For example, an indefinite zero contact can mean that there is no turning back and that the breakup is final. If during this period of reflection one or both people have come to the conclusion that they want to invest in the relationship and rebuild it, it is advisable and even necessary to contact your ex again to check if it is possible to restore the relationship.

How to resume the relationship after zero contact

It is normal to have some fears and feel vulnerable when establishing contact with your ex again after a period of not communicating. In this context, it is important that you ask yourself if you intend to get your ex back, but without taking the risk of contacting them first. Can you move on without trying this opportunity? Can you move on without having a conversation with your ex again?

In the end, it is not so important who breaks the ice and takes the initiative to reconnect with the other, but rather the learning during this period and the possibility of rebuilding the relationship. If you opt for indefinite zero contact, it is best to make this decision from calm and tranquility, being at peace with the idea of ​​moving forward without your ex. In this article you will find more information about I applied zero contact and it doesn’t search for me: what do I do?

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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