“I promise to be faithful to you in joy and in sorrow, in health and in sickness, all the days of my life.
“I love you… as a wife and I give myself to you, and I promise to be faithful to you in joy and sorrow, in health and in sickness, all the days of my life.”
Those are the promises we hear over and over again when couples have the hope of living together happily and in peace after getting married. But… What happens when conflicts begin at the same time? Is the fairy tale over?
Conflicts in couples respond to multiple factors. Today I want to share one of the reasons why couples begin to have conflicts and it is imperceptible in the eyes of the newlyweds, to the point that they begin to get entangled until generating the effect of a snowball.
At first, due to the same effect of falling in love, couples usually put aside their needs, interests and personal preferences, to be at the service of the loved one. But once a certain stability or security is obtained from the love of the other, the person returns to focus on his or her own well-being, once again he resumes his life thinking about his interests, tastes, preferences, without having to suppress his opinions or decisions or access situations that are unpleasant. That is can be shown as it is, without worrying if it will be accepted or rejected because there is a commitment that makes you feel that “the other person must adjust” to your world.
At this moment a form of power struggle begins to arise It is a common phenomenon in couples who did not acquire the necessary emotional tools during courtship to solve the daily problems of coexistence.
The power struggle is defined as the confluence of internal forces where egocentrism and the intrinsic need for self-affirmation prevail in each of the couple
When this condition occurs in a couple, initially its members may not recognize that each one is fighting for power. Therefore, they very often point out or accuse the other for the problems that occur.
Typical phrases in couples: “She is always the one who does…, she doesn’t understand, she doesn’t listen to me…, she wants what she says to be done and that’s it.” “He doesn’t understand me, he just wants me to do what he says, I don’t have to let him, he doesn’t command me.”
Becoming aware
There are also cases in which the members of the couple have recognized that they reproduce this relationship dynamic but do not know how to get out of it. An example of these situations in consultation are the following comments: “I tell her, but she doesn’t listen to me, she takes a while to tell someone else the same thing, she only rejects those ideas because they come from me.” Or: “She has to do the exact opposite of what I ask of her.”
At this point, the couples do not realize it, but They have started a war in which the objective is to show who has the power They stop being at the service of the other to use the relationship. That is, the relationship “should be” rewarding for me or meet my expectations and we completely forget that it involves two.
Now, the most important question with which the analysis in therapy begins is this: Why do you fight for power? Also: what are you feeling or what did you stop feeling that makes you consider that you should have the power? Or: at what point was the promise “I give myself to you, to take care of you, to respect you all the days of my life” lost? However, delving into these questions to find an honest answer is not easy.
Symptoms of power struggle
Let’s look at typical cases heard in therapy where a power struggle has arisen.
In all cases, the main reason why the symptoms mentioned above appear is the same: the feeling of inferiority.
When people feel undervalued, excluded, minimized or unable to satisfy their partner, they channel their frustration, helplessness, anger and sadness through a compensatory feeling: superiority. That is, people find in “power” the security that they have lost in themselves. Unfortunately, they hold the other person responsible for their discomfort, that is, instead of resolving their lack of worth, they place the cause of their problems on the partner: “if only they would listen to me once…”, they say very frequently. the patients. But they lose sight of the fact that it takes two to create this power struggle.
A single person cannot start the “battles” that sometimes come to the consultation. They both try to defend their territory, they both feel like they are failing the other, they both have lost a lot of things …
Resolving the situation
Stopping fighting for power in a relationship is not an easy task. Many times professional help is required, because the problem is mixed with emotional deficiencies in each of the protagonists and failures in communication. However, when couples gradually realize the deterioration they suffer from this attitude, they take on challenges that allow them to relate with more security and this, in turn, generates more tranquility and openness.
Next, I propose some exercises that you can do while professional help arrives him:
1. Courtesy
Let’s imagine for a moment that our partner is not our partner, he is a very good colleague or co-worker, who is there for us in difficult times. Now, let’s start any conversation. Easily We will notice that you tend to be more polite, subtle, kind We will take care of our gestures, tone and words so as not to offend or hurt your feelings.
2. Finding the plus point
Let’s forget for a moment our desire to win the fight, and focus on listening to the other person. Let’s find a point where we can agree with him.
It is more than clear that there are many resentments resulting from the fights, which must be addressed with the professional, but at this moment when we express our desire to fight for the relationship, It is worth it to aim to take care of the other person To do this, we can do the following: let’s ask the other person, before going to bed: “What do you want me to help you with tomorrow?” And let us try to fulfill that task as if it were a sacred request.
4. Physical contact
It has been shown that in couples in which physical contact is lost, there is a greater propensity for each person to think on their own without communicating effectively and, therefore, space opens up to begin to fight for their own interests. Therefore, although at first it may not be natural or comfortable, before starting the day you can hug the other person tightly, hug each other tightly, expecting nothing more than to enjoy the hug
5. Surprise
Let’s try to surprise the other person according to what they like or are interested in Let’s focus on breaking the fear of rejection or looking bad.
6. Ask for opinions
Each case is unique, and the best way to know if the right thing is being done is contrast our opinion with that of other people Sometimes professional help is indisputable, but in some cases we may not need this help.
7. Making us happy
Let’s not put our happiness in the other person. Let’s look for activities that we enjoy and that make us feel good. Let’s treat each other with love and value each other as people Once we feel capable and secure in the relationship, without realizing it, we will not need to fight for power… because we will be happy with the gains of a stable and equitable relationship.
