Toxic Shame: What It Is, What Causes It, And How It Affects Us
We have all experienced the feeling of shame at some point; This is one of the emotions, along with pride and guilt, called self-conscious. Shame is accompanied by the manifestation of a whole series of symptoms, both physical and mental. And like the rest of the emotions, it has its specific function: to alert us that we have done wrong and ultimately allow us to correct ourselves. This cannot be classified as negative or positive.
There are different specific situations that trigger shame reactions in most of us, although this also depends on our education, our culture and, ultimately, our previous experiences. This modulates the intensity of the emotion, that is, no two people experience the same degree of shame in the same situation. However, when we talk about toxic shame, we are not talking about excessive shame, but rather constant shame.
“Normal shame,” like any other emotion: it comes and goes. But in some people it settles permanently and can be extremely painful, even disabling. In this article We will see what toxic shame consists of how to differentiate it from guilt, its main causes and how to overcome it.
Shame often appears when we look at ourselves with a critical eye and evaluate ourselves harshly. We often do this because of things or situations over which we ultimately have little or no control, such as what others think of ourselves.
The term “toxic shame” was first coined by psychologist Silvan Tomkins in the 1960s This differs from normal shame due to its omnipresence: it settles in our minds and becomes part of our identity.
A person who suffers from toxic shame experiences chronic feelings of low self-esteem, poor self-image, and self-hatred All of these thoughts are derived from the unfounded belief that they are inferior to others or that they should be ashamed of themselves for not being enough. In other words, we could say that toxic shame is the internalized negative shame that is part of ourselves, that is, it has become part of our personality.
Guilt is often confused with shame. And although they may seem related, these are completely different emotions. Guilt is described as the unpleasant feeling of sadness for something you have done, that is, it is born from your own or someone else’s sanction. Shame has nothing to do with what we do, but with ourselves, it is the unpleasant feeling of sadness for how we are as a person. And ultimately, people who suffer from toxic shame constantly feel bad about the way they are. Toxic shame is a pervasive feeling.
However, there is a paradox: one feels guilty for feeling ashamed And it’s easier to admit the former (that we feel guilty or hurt) than to admit that we’re ashamed, which is why people are ashamed of being ashamed. As we see, feelings of shame are paradoxical and reproduce themselves.
Causes
Toxic shame often begins and is reinforced through early childhood experiences. As we grow, we are able to understand how our actions affect others, this depends on many extrinsic factors, for example cultural beliefs There are several countries such as China and India where burping is frowned upon, in fact, it is a gesture of courtesy and means that we are satisfied with the food. From these observations we begin to understand and differentiate what behaviors we can show and classify them as acceptable or unacceptable.
At this time, our close environment and parents play a fundamental role. In the best of cases, reminding us that we are not born knowing and what we can screw up and teaching us other types of behaviors, or at least, not punishing ourselves for some mistake that has not been premeditated. However, in some cases, this does not happen and we receive messages, apart from being useless, quite harmful, when we are wrong or worse all our lives when we express an idea with which they do not agree.
Showing disapproval or disappointment, instead of guiding other behaviors, can very negatively affect the development of children’s self-esteem. But, if in addition, these emotions do not focus on the child’s actions, but on aspects that have to do with himself, they can lead to the appearance of a whole series of negative feelings, such as vulnerability, inadequacy, or even, ultimately making these children feel unworthy of love or positive attention.
Also after an emotionally distant upbringing or in cases where there has been abuse or neglect The development of self-esteem problems, self-hatred and toxic shame is common. Parents who do not attend to or ignore needs, whether physical or emotional, convey the idea to their children that they are not worthy of love and that they are defective.
Although, as we have seen, toxic shame develops during childhood and adolescence, it can also occur in adulthood. This happens when past mistakes remain in our heads, long after they have occurred. In this case, not facing them or burying them deep in the subconscious can cause this type of toxic feeling to develop.
Effects of toxic shame
Hearing constantly negative comments about a lack of intelligence or one’s own personality will probably make the person end up believing that they are true and internalize them. Although this is a completely natural response, it does not mean that it is still very harmful. For adults, carrying the shame of bad decisions for long periods It can make a person feel worthless.
Someone who suffers from toxic shame feels deeply unworthy, humiliated, and defective as a person. You may also believe that something vital is missing and feel haunted by an omnipresent emptiness and absence. This feeling affects their entire being and makes them very unhappy. Furthermore, toxic shame can ultimately become part of one’s identity, damaging the person’s perception of themselves and affecting their self-esteem. This is especially true for children who are just beginning to form their self-concept.
Toxic shame and the other resulting negative feelings bring with them a whole series of consequences. These can dramatically shape who we are (it is more than an emotion that shows us our limitations). Feeling toxic shame is like believing that we no longer deserve to be considered human beings by others, this is because it implies a deep sense of failure. Consequently, this can cause the person to hide from all aspects of who he is internally and the true personality of him. In severe cases, the person loses faith in themselves and that they can be trusted. The deep feeling of toxic shame makes the person feel completely alone and isolated from the world.
Toxic shame is complex to deal with because it can go unnoticed and is also difficult to admit. However, there are a series of strategies that we present below that can help us begin to recover, if we are faced with this feeling, such as changing the messages we send to ourselves, meditation, opening ourselves to others and sharing the feelings of shame that torment us, seek satisfying relationships that bring us compassion, and if we consider it necessary we can also go to therapy. A professional can help us take the first steps to confront the problem.
Toxic shame often has a deep origin and is ingrained within us, but self-compassion and self-love can be useful tools to soften it and its more negative consequences. Psychodynamic approaches can help us unravel and heal distress at its source.
Working with the problems of our inner child can help us address the shame derived from childhood and adolescence. This awareness and therapeutic practice allows early shame and disgust to be replaced with healing love and kindness. In addition to allowing us understand that our values may be different from those we were taught and separate our identity from the feeling of shame. It also allows us to realize how toxic shame affects our present.
Overcoming this emotion allows us to develop capacities as important as self-affirmation and expression Consequently, we are also able to connect with ourselves and others in an authentic way. Furthermore, by not being in our heads or evaluating what we did wrong, we can enjoy the present moment.
