Unconditional Love: What It Is, How To Detect It And Why It Can Be Harmful
Unconditional love is possibly one of the most popular concepts in the world of romantic relationships And it is, among other things, because over the last decades a kind of mythology has been created around it: it has come to be exalted as if it were the only type of love possible, and everything else were deviations. of this ideal model.
Unfortunately, the fact that there are so many myths about this loving and relational dynamic has contributed to the fact that what unconditional love really is has been distorted and camouflaged under a thick layer of stereotypes and appeals to the emotional that are often more negative than positive. There are those who aspire to live unconditional love without really knowing what it is.
Throughout this article We will see what exactly this way of loving consists of and relating to loved ones, how we can recognize it in a partner based on a description of its characteristics, and why its idealization produces controversy.
One of the most curious things about unconditional love is that this concept carries behind it such a strong emotional charge that we can forget its meaning despite having it before our eyes, in the very name of the term. Indeed, unconditional love is the way of loving that is exercised without conditions that compromise one of the parties that is, without there being a concrete benefit for at least one of the lovers… beyond the experience of love itself.
Thus, unconditional love is special because in theory, in order to maintain it, a series of requirements and commitments do not have to be met. Not even the fact that it is an unrequited love should end it directly, since as it is unconditional, it does not need the participation of the loved person to exist. In other words, it is a selfless love.
So this way of loving is prone to generating suffering since it can give rise to situations in which the discomfort experienced by a person becomes chronic as there is no clear line that indicates whether that emotional bond is functional or not (something that would occur if there are commitments that establish whether it is valued that union).
Characteristics and signs of selfless love
Among the most common signs that we find in the dynamics of unconditional love we find the following.
1. Propensity for asymmetries to appear
As there is a person who loves unconditionally, this easily triggers that the other person lets go of the possibility of obeying commitments
2. Search for constant contact
Unconditional love is not completely unconditional, because even if the other person does not want it, you pay the price of submitting to attempts to be in contact by the person you love in an apparently selfless way. Due to the asymmetry of the relationship rejection situations easily arise.
3. Tragic perception of the situation
Normally, those who try to love unconditionally do so influenced by a whole series of imagery of selfless love stories fed by cinema, literature and the like. That is, an identification is generated with that type of fictional or mythologized characters. This gives a sense of purpose to what you do
4. Moments to fantasize
In unconditional love there are not many expectations applied to the real world, and that is why imagination is usually an escape route to imagine realities in which that relationship is better and more balanced.
5. Doubts about the nature of love
When the love relationship is based on clear commitments, it is not so common to enter states of introspection in which one wonders what it means to love that way. But when there is apparently nothing to sustain that love beyond love itself, these kinds of doubts are more frequent: If the other person may not love us, what exactly does that love that one feels consist of?
As we are beginning to understand, unconditional love is far from being the model of perfect love that many people believe it is. How can it be, then, that it is considered in many places the goal to aspire to in terms of intimate and emotional life? Let’s see how this applies both to the emotional sphere of the couple and to that which has to do with the blood family.
His idealization in the couple
For many centuries, love was not the main criterion by which people were guided when getting married and starting a family. This was banished to the world of passions, that which does not obey rationality and therefore, no matter how intense and pleasant it may be, it should not be taken into account if one wants to live in the most sensible and realistic way.
At a time when the vast majority of the population lived at the limit of the resources necessary to exist and maintain a family, marriages were more like an economic transaction through which two families began to collaborate.
However, as the living conditions of the majority of the population improved, this transactional logic and the role of feelings came to the fore. However, the institution of marriage has continued to maintain its popularity, in part because beyond the religious sphere from which these formal links arise, the act of getting married offers a series of legal resources that help two people maintain a family in a manner.
The union between the idealization of the importance of feelings (as if they had always been the fundamental force that has guided the lives of human beings) and their application to the patterns established by marriage (maintained by necessity) has led to the idea of ​​an unconditional love that is especially powerful in applied love relationships. to search for a partner.
It is what happens when it is assumed that romantic relationships are forever due to the influence of the history of marriages, and it is applied to the area of ​​feelings, and has given rise to what is usually called the myth of the average. orange: the belief that we are all incomplete pieces in search of a union that is usually reflected in the wedding.
When it comes to blood family relationships, the idealization of unconditional love obeys another logic. While within the couple the selfless nature of this feeling does not have a clear purpose, in the family it does; Normally, what is important is not love itself, but the fact that it accompanies concern for protection and concern for the other person.
This is typical of fathers and mothers who take care of their sons or daughters. regardless of whether the latter appreciate it or not, and it makes sense if we take into account the generational leap and the fact that from the birth of the little ones a clear dynamic of protection is established that is completely unilateral. The strange thing would be if this one-sidedness completely disappeared as children grew older.
But this role distinction is not something exclusive to the relationship between parents and children: reproduces through practically any type of kinship due to the dynamic of mutual protection: an older brother can easily find excuses to control the older brother, and the same goes for an uncle and his nephew, etc.
For this reason, the need for control over the other’s life can become a miniature tyranny, since any resistance on the part of the loved one is seen as something that must be ignored due to the difference in roles established by the person. family functioning.
In conclusion
Under the label of unconditional love, different psychological and relational dynamics are hidden that in many cases are harmful due to the lack of references about the point at which a person should stop projecting their affections towards the other person and should direct them to his own person.
Know how to find a good balance between concern for a loved one and maintaining one’s own dignity and integrity is key to maintaining well-being.
