Validate And Move Forward As Parents, As Children…
If you are parents, it is likely that on more than one occasion you have received a call or held countless meetings at school and/or in other areas due to disruptive or maladaptive behaviors of your children
These behaviors can cover an amalgam of situations: “he does not relate appropriately with his peers”, “he does not respect the rules”, “he does not tolerate limits”, “he has aggressive behaviour”, “he does not pay attention”, “he is unmotivated”, “ does not respect authority figures”…
Some of these statements may sound familiar to many. Others will even be used to hearing more than one. Sometimes these can be overwhelming, and if we refer to adolescence… the portrait can be even more discouraging.
It is also very common for parents with children to have personal, coexistence, school and/or social difficulties (I do not know anyone who does not have them to a lesser or greater extent), they constantly receive messages (directly or subtly) about how to better educate their children. children or about positive and effective parental models.
The sources can be very diverse: other parents, teachers, relatives, friends, educators, social workers, psychologists, the media… and in a multitude of formats, formal (educational workshops, talks or other interventions) and informal.
The amount of information can be enormous. On many occasions these messages have a protective and effective function, that is, they help; In others, however, they can have a responsible and blaming aspect
In the latter, the word “should” becomes common in multiple social interactions until it is internalized by the person in the form of thoughts and emotions.
Frequently, It is even the parents themselves who end up submerging themselves in a state of guilt and helplessness that limits their ability to exercise their parental functions with an appropriate perception of self-efficacy. In others, we shift responsibility or express anger towards others in order to protect our self-esteem and/or self-concept, constituting, on the other hand, a very human behavior when we feel judged or attacked.
Those professionals who work with families, especially with parents and children or adolescents, know the importance of pay attention to the thoughts, feelings and emotions that both parents and children experience in the face of personal difficulties and/or other stressful events that interfere with the positive evolution of the family system as a whole. In fact, they are the ones who most often suffer the difficulties of adapting to different social contexts! Therefore, active listening, understanding, empathy and accompaniment are elementary functions of the therapeutic relationship.
Negative emotions are also useful
As professionals we know the power of emotions such as guilt, shame or fear They are usually perceived in a negative way because they generate a lot of discomfort and/or suffering. However, all emotions, both those rated positive and negative, are essential for social adaptation and personal adjustment. In this way, guilt and shame have a personal and social self-regulation function that allows us to learn, correct mistakes, empathize and, in general, direct our efforts to act in line with personal and social values.
Especially guilt is intrinsically linked to the moral development of the individual and hence its adaptive value. However, when guilt is not adaptive, it interferes with self-regulation and personal and social development. It plunges us into a spiral of rumination, devaluation, anxiety, depression, hopelessness… It prevents us from learning and moving forward.
In the same way, Fear or anxiety have an important protective function because they allow us to pay attention to danger and react to it However, when it becomes maladaptive, it interferes with adequate coping with threats, challenges, crises… In this case, we perceive these situations as overflowing our personal resources.
The importance of emotional management in family relationships
So, we have all felt guilty, ashamed, sad, worried or angry in a variety of contexts and situations. Parenthood is not free of these emotions. They are adaptive for our role as parents, and also for our role as children, brothers…
The problem arises when the expression of these emotions interferes in the family and social dynamics in a significant way in a way that prevents self-regulation as an individual and as a family and social system, with its healthy development, and that, therefore, may require a therapeutic process that favors the restoration of balance or homeostasis.
For what was stated above, This therapeutic process must focus on the understanding of emotions and their components (cognitive, affective and behavioral). But not only are active listening, understanding and empathy necessary in the therapeutic approach. Even training the person in coping techniques of various kinds can be insufficient without something essential! And this is nothing other than validation.
Validation means accepting emotions without judging without reproach… Accept that at that moment our thoughts, emotions and behaviors were what they were and that they could not be otherwise in that specific situation, because we did not know or could not use the tools we had at our disposal.
It’s not about justifying, quite the opposite It is about using guilt, shame, fear and sadness to move forward, to learn and focus effort on the process of change and improvement, it is about recovering the adaptive function of those emotions, restoring balance.
In short, in any therapeutic relationship, the validation of the professional is essential and the self-validation of the person themselves is essential to promote the process of change. Validate to move forward, as parents, as children, as people…
