We Don't Always Have What We Deserve, but We Do Have What We Build

When talking about all those elements that affect mental health, many times the focus is placed exclusively on the objective events that happen to people: a dismissal from work, a car accident, the birth of the first child, the transfer to live in another country…

This way of seeing things, although it can help identify many relevant aspects that influence the individual’s emotional well-being, offers an incomplete picture of things. Because? Because mental health is closely linked to way in which we interpret what happens around us or what happens to us Thus, the same event can generate a strong feeling of guilt that paralyzes us, or, on the contrary, a source of extra motivation to continue improving in something.

And this fact connects with one of the most relevant questions when understanding someone’s way of thinking (and feeling): Does that person believe that the good or bad that happens to them happens because of something they have done? This is the question we will delve into in this article.

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Do I have what I deserve?

There are those who, through the way they analyze what happens to them on a daily basis, suffer from self-esteem problems because they focus on the question: Do I have what I really deserve? This way of thinking leads us to interpret the results of our actions in a deeply emotional way, since The concept “deserve” belongs to the field of moral assessment something capable of stirring up very intense feelings in us.

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In this context, that generic “I have” invites us to try to encompass our entire life and our identity up to the present, as if our history could be summarized in an element that we either own or do not possess: a number in the bank account, a house. in property, a certain family model…

Definitely, attempts to reach a conclusion about whether we have what we deserve are too limiting to be useful to us and do good for our mental health: by inviting us to adopt such extreme and biased responses, it is very easy for us to torment ourselves with this issue, especially considering that:

Thus, from the point of view of correct management of emotions, it is best to assume that either the answer to “I have what I deserve” is always “no” because bad luck exists, or the question is , in the first place, too biased and predisposed to lead us towards the fallacy of Nirvana, comparing our current life with that of an alternative universe in which everything would have turned out as we had planned or even better

Does this mean that it is not worth making an effort or taking responsibility for our actions? Not at all, but we must do it from a slightly different perspective.

You have what you build

The idea that what we obtain through our efforts is a series of situations that provide us with opportunities is much more useful than trying to assess whether or not we deserve everything that happens to us. Thus, it is advisable to naturally assume that we do not have what we deserve, but we do have what we have built. By adopting habits and routines to take control (to the extent possible) of our life and professional projects, we create a foundation from which we can make good use of both our ability to learn from our mistakes, as well as the small tokens of good luck that come to us from time to time without us expecting it.

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Where is this? Firstly, to take responsibility for what we do, so that we are able to detect where we failed and how we can remedy it to prevent similar problems in the future.

Secondly, you have to know how to distinguish between giving up things, on the one hand, and procrastinating, on the other. While the first can help us take care of ourselves while we strive to achieve goals that we consider more relevant than what we left behind, the second is a way of not facing something that makes us feel bad and that we intend to postpone. and again to not think about it.

Thirdly, detect in time the trap thoughts and excuses that we make for ourselves to not take the step of going from desires to actions, experimenting and assuming a certain degree of risk; for this, it is necessary to develop self-knowledge

And in a certain place, not valuing our past Self from the perspective and values of the present Self; It is very easy to judge ourselves cruelly in the stage when we did not take big risks if, for example, we did not have the economic stability that we enjoy today. Seeing our present situation as the fruit of a construction invites us to interpret our past as a part of a process, instead of as an incomplete version of the present.

Take responsibility for what we do… And what we feel?

As we have seen, the sense of responsibility is key. But… Should this include what we feel, or only what we do deliberately?

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The truth is that although our emotions and feelings are not usually the result of consciously made decisions, we should also take responsibility for our emotional side, although in a somewhat different way. It is not about feeling guilty for feeling something that is socially frowned upon or we consider that it clashes with our values, but Nor can we deny that reality or pretend that it is not there, influencing our actions to a greater or lesser extent

We must avoid downplaying them as if they were a direct result of what others do to us, or of non-compliance with certain rules: if there is something that worries us about the way we react emotionally to certain situations, we must take action against it.