What Are The Differences Between Sexual Desire And Sexual Attraction?
Sex is enjoyed by many, but it is also a widely unknown world. There are many concepts that are confused or that raise more doubts than anything.
Today we are going to clarify two concepts of the field that are widely heard and also very little understood, in addition to relating and exemplifying it with the sexual reality of various groups. Let’s see what the differences are between sexual desire and sexual attraction seen in summary.
Main differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction
Before going into more detail about sexual desire and attraction, it is necessary to talk a little about two concepts that we are going to use a lot throughout this article.
The first is sexual orientation, by which we refer to where our sexual attraction is directed, that is, what gender or genders we like, or if we don’t like any. We have heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals, although, like everything in this world, the existence of other sexualities is raised depending on the data that is obtained.
What must be understood is that there are no sexual orientations for absolutely everything That we like intelligent people (popularly called sapiosexuality), that we like blonde women or that we like tattooed men are not sexual orientations. In all these cases we would be talking about preferences towards a specific set of characteristics, rather called philias, although we should not make the mistake of putting all philias in the same bag as pedophilia, necrophilia and other pathological tendencies..
Gender expression is a set of behaviors, traditionally related to what is understood in society as being “masculine” or “feminine.” It is the way in which we adjust to what is meant by being a man or woman in its most stereotypical sense.
What is sexual attraction?
We say that we feel sexual attraction towards someone when that person, in a colloquial sense, “turns us on.” That is, feeling sexual attraction towards someone implies that that person has certain characteristics that awaken some type of sexual interest in us.
This attraction is always directed at someone specific, and it is not possible to control it at will Thus, whether we are sexually attracted to someone or not at all is something we cannot control, nor increase or decrease it.
What is sexual desire?
sexual desire It could be understood as the desire to have sex In this case, when we talk about “sex” we must understand it in its broadest sense, including all sexual practices, both with other people, such as intercourse, and individually, such as masturbation.
Although it is true that sexual attraction and sexual desire go hand in hand, each thing has its place in every healthy relationship. Sexual attraction does not always occur accompanied by sexual desire, and sexual desire can appear without the need for sexual attraction.
Sexual desire is something that It is not always present and it does not have to occur in the presence of something that attracts us sexually That is, if we are in front of someone who happens to be our preferred gender (e.g., straight man in front of a woman), it does not have to awaken sexual desire in us immediately. We may even be with our boyfriend or girlfriend, with whom we feel sexual attraction, but at this moment we do not feel sexual desire, it has not awakened it in us.
Sexual desire can be modified, unlike sexual attraction and, as we have commented with the case of masturbation, it does not have to be directed towards someone in particular (it can be impersonal). This is easily understandable with the case of cis men (or trans women who keep their penis) waking up. It is common for the penis to be erect and it is during the morning that one is most likely to end up masturbating, without anyone having awakened that sexual desire.
Since sexual desire is modifiable, it is possible to work on it , both in the context of therapy and on your own. For example, we may not feel sexual desire at this precise moment, but if we start looking for pornography, we may awaken the desire for sex. It can also happen the other way around, that we are feeling a very strong sexual desire and that it is not convenient for us to express it now. To reduce it, we try to imagine things that “cool it down” (e.g., thinking about people of the non-preferred gender, thinking about our grandmother, watching a video of something very unpleasant…)
Sexual attraction cannot be modified, even though this idea has been (and continues to be) quite widespread in general culture. It may be thought that, throughout our lives, our sexual attraction to others may change (e.g., we begin to “get into” someone we previously didn’t like), however, this does not imply an absolute modification in our sexual attraction, but rather that it fluctuates.
This fluctuation in sexual attraction is involuntary Whether it varies over time depends on many factors, such as learning new information about the person we are now using, getting used to their company, or a change in our tastes that has made us pay attention to that specific person. The other, very different, is the idea that we can change these changes at will, that is, make us suddenly become sexually attracted to someone.
To better understand all this, let’s imagine a person who is being unfaithful to his partner and who goes to a consultation to treat this problem. The therapist will not be able to reduce that individual’s sexual attraction to his or her lover , but it can teach you ways to reduce sexual desire towards that woman and avoid breaking out of the marriage pact with your spouse. Sexual attraction towards the lover will not disappear, but appropriate impulse control techniques can be acquired to avoid committing infidelity.
conversion therapy
Once we understand the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction, we can understand why conversion therapy, a pseudotherapy with no effectiveness and which generates more harm than good, does not work.
Until not long ago, homosexuality and, practically, Any sexual orientation other than heterosexual was considered a serious deviation , in many cases a mental illness. Feeling attracted to people of the same gender was seen as a problem and like any “problem”, possible solutions were sought, conversion therapy being the proposal for this.
In this “therapy” the problem of feeling sexual attraction to people of the same gender was addressed However, as we have already mentioned, sexual attraction cannot be modified voluntarily, unlike sexual desire.
You cannot magically make a person go from homosexual to heterosexual, and in fact, the APA itself has reiterated this in several statements in this regard: there is no scientifically proven treatment that serves to change sexual orientation and attraction, nor is it recommended. submit to none.
Since it is not possible to change sexual attraction, the “therapists” focused on preventing the person from carrying out homosexual behavior. To do this, they produced an aversion to people of the same gender, through various techniques of dubious ethics.
That is, when he was in a situation where he saw people of the same gender, to whom he was sexually attracted, Instead of awakening sexual desire, a deep discomfort was awakened This meant that instead of having sex with other men or women (depending on the gender), I avoided it.
As a result, the person showed avoidance of what they previously liked, a dysfunctional way of facing their new reality. This avoidance would be comparable to that carried out by people who are afraid of heights, who avoid looking out on balconies or taking airplanes, or who is afraid of cockroaches and cannot see any without having an attack.
In short, far from being “cured” they were instilled with fear, as John B. Watson inoculated little Albert in 1920. Furthermore, People who underwent this type of treatment were more likely to suffer from depression and had suicidal ideation.
The case of asexuality
To finish understanding the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction we can highlight the case of asexuality. In short, asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction towards others, both men and women or other gender realities.
Asexual people can fall in love, that is, they can feel romantic attraction, and they can also have sexual relations since they feel sexual desire. In case they decide to have sexual relations There is nothing, neither physical nor psychological, that prevents them from enjoying their own sexuality They can masturbate as much as they want and have sexual fantasies in general.
All this may surprise given that, as we have commented in its definition, asexual people do not have sexual attraction. Just because they don’t have sexual attraction doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy sex. They may not feel sexual attraction towards a man, woman or non-binary person but, if they have the opportunity to have a sexual relationship, they do not have to reject it.
Be that as it may, it must be understood that The absence of sexual attraction towards other people is not a psychological disorder that should be treated as a problem of lack of sexual desire. Just because we are not sexually attracted to any person does not mean that we are dead inside or that we have not explored our sexuality enough. In the same way that there are heteros, homosexuals and bis, there are also asexual people and, given that the world of sexology is a science in constant change, which constantly finds new information, who are we to assume what is normal and what is not?
