By knowing what stable couples do well, we will be able to see where we are failing and act accordingly.
It is true that there are as many people as there are problems we can find in consultation. Couple problems, like individual problems, can be affected or triggered by a multitude of areas; however, when we analyze them to work in consultation, there are always 4 areas in which we can encompass them. In order to detect them, we must look at what couples who successfully resolve their problems do well, these are stable couples. Below we will discuss it:
The normal thing is that, when we start a relationship, the two members of the couple want to entertain the other person, future projects in common appear (getaways, activities…), they show signs of affection towards the other, and a endless of what, in psychology, we call reinforcers. Without realizing it, what we achieve with this is to hook the other person, to make them feel special by our side. Successful couples usually maintain the reinforcers, that is, despite time, they continue to nourish the relationship and make the other feel unique.
Communication
The will to understand the other remains intact. Both parties are able to put themselves in the other’s shoes, understand them, let them express themselves without feeling attacked, and based on that, express what they feel. They know their partner and know the right time to talk, both positive and negative. In the face of adversity, they form a team, they feel like one. Furthermore, when one of them has a problem, they try to support the other, not solve their problem. Last but not least, they show interest in what is happening to the other, in their interests and concerns.
They show a valid method of problem solving and decision making. A very clear example of this would be those couples in which each one occupies the role in which he feels comfortable, neither feels that he contributes more than the other. We are not talking about, for example, literally dividing housework 50/50. Despite this not being the case, if both members of the couple feel satisfied with the distribution of roles, there will be no internal conflicts at the individual level and neither will perceive abuse on the part of the other.
Negotiation
Important point to address, as there is a lot of confusion in this area. Couples should negotiate little, along the lines of “if I do this, you do that.” The explanation is that, at the end of the day, we must act because we consider it so, without expecting the other to do a certain thing in return. Otherwise, we would enter the territory of “I hoped that without saying it he would do…….”. We should not assume that the other, without explicitly telling them, must know what we want them to do. Although it is not good to have many issues to negotiate as a couple, if there are one or two important issues, on which there is a different opinion and which may be the source of problems, we should not give in, we must negotiate.
Once we are clear about these characteristics, we can know where we are failing, in the case of having a relationship problem, and know how to start solving it.
