Have you ever heard the advice “You should learn to spend more time alone” ? Most likely, yes, or, failing that, that you have read somewhere post about it in that social network where you spend the most time.
And, due to the digital age in which we live, we are increasingly exposed to receiving floods of information about how we could maintain a healthier lifestyle, both physically and psychologically. Within this dimension, we could include messages aimed at questioning the way in which we connect with others.
While it is true that we must take with a grain of salt what we read or hear out there – since there is misinforming content floating around both on social networks and in our group of friends – it is true that the advice that we should learn to be alone might be useful for some people.
The problem is that many times we automatically repeat this phrase without knowing what it means to be alone and how we would benefit from such learning; Therefore, it will be this topic that we will develop below.
Personal ties and loneliness
There are as many types of relationships as there are people in the world, whether they are family relationships, friendships, simple acquaintances or a couple. Even, in some cases, the ways of relating to others are hybrids between these categories or can even be reduced to a mere label. The social ties and relationships that people intertwine are dynamic and changing; and therefore, they can also be ephemeral.
When for one reason or another the bond between two people presents a certain distance, it is possible that the ghost of loneliness appears on one of the two parties It is common for this to occur in certain situations where there is a physical separation, which can be relatively significant—for example, when there are long trips or migrations involved, or as happened with the distancing that many ties had to overcome as a result of the coronavirus pandemic—but a person can also feel lonely when that other person is doing other activities without him or her; perhaps when he is enjoying his own hobbies, at work or at gatherings with his own friends.
On the other hand, it would not be entirely comprehensive to frame the experience of loneliness in physical distance: a person can feel alone even when there is physical and even emotional proximity to their loved ones. Taking into account the wide range of circumstances in which human beings are susceptible to feeling alone, the following question may arise: Why is loneliness so difficult for us?
Why is it so hard for us to be alone?
Well, to answer this question it is tempting to resort to arguments that rely on our individual abilities. We could maintain that many people find it difficult to be alone since they have had partners throughout much of their adult life, and that this experience has not allowed them to develop certain learning; or that many have not been taught from a young age how important it is to cultivate their own autonomy when it comes to bonding emotionally with others and, therefore, they experience difficulties dealing with loneliness
These arguments could be valid, since the learning stories and situations that we experience over the years are decisive when it comes to understanding why we relate to others in one way and not another.
However, it is also important to get rid of that backpack a little, since there is a reality that we tend to ignore but that, nevertheless, knowing it could be liberating: human beings do not have a natural or intrinsic reason to “enjoy” solitude. . From a phylogenetic position, that is, contemplating the historical journey of the human species, remaining alone posed a severe risk to our survival at some point. On the one hand, we would have been easy prey for a predator if we were far from others with whom we could defend each other. Secondly, if we had not interacted with others and remained alone, we would never have developed language. Language was a great advantage for survival , since the possibility of categorizing reality events into concepts quickly allowed us to establish faster ways to communicate with our peers, make inferences about the phenomena of the world, and prevent future dangers that could occur in it. Of course, not to mention simply that being alone we would not be able to reproduce.
It is true that the challenges of that time do not threaten our lives today, but recovering our background as a human species allows us to explain that it is logical and expected that loneliness is an unpleasant experience. Knowing this could lighten the burden of responsibility that many people feel for having difficulties being alone. Even if the intentions are good, on several occasions, “you should learn to be alone” is even presented as an imperative capable of causing more suffering instead of helping.
It is also curious to consider that although language has made survival possible to a great extent, from some theoretical positions it is considered that the origin of human suffering lies in it.
Let’s look at this in relation to loneliness. We could take a few seconds to close our eyes and imagine how we would experience a loss that is significant to us, such as a job, an ideal, or a loved one. By doing this exercise, we will be able to notice that we are able to feel the physical sensations of pain without the need for the difficult event to occur Such a phenomenon is only possible with language.
Now let’s think about the infinite number of situations that can develop when it comes to connecting with others simply because we have language, for example, how we can mistakenly assume the thoughts and emotions of others according to our personal stories. and the narratives we tell ourselves (that is, an interweaving of more, and more, and more language). From this perspective, we can gauge how complex the experience of loneliness is today: Because of language, we don’t literally have to be alone to feel alone
Taking these observations into account, we can move towards the heart of the matter, towards the learning that we can recover from loneliness. Although we don’t have to like it, learning to regulate how we act when feeling alone is an extremely important skill to establish responsible emotional bonds with others.
Learning to be alone means make friends with the unpleasant emotions and thoughts that we so often try to eliminate ; It means accepting that it is not wrong to feel fear and pain of loneliness, that such an experience results from our history as people and, why not, as humans. Learning to be alone means understanding that we do not have to make an effort to like solitude if this does not arise spontaneously; but also assume that even in the presence of discomfort we can carry out actions committed to the type of people we want to be and the way in which we want to bond with those we love.
In short, the meaning of learning to be alone is to understand that this ghost may appear at some point in our lives, but that we will have the ability to return to the present moment and reconnect with ourselves to make wise decisions. With the feeling of loneliness and not fighting against it.
