What Is Emotional Dependence, And How To Overcome It?
In most healthy relationships, it is common for one of the members to require more displays of love and affection than the other. This does not have to be a problem, and in fact, it is normal and perfectly expected that there are some asymmetries in such a relationship: each individual is unique.
However, as with any psychological phenomenon, if this need for psychological support and displays of affection is taken to the extreme, problems arise. In cases like this, Many times there is what is known as emotional dependence, one of the most common problems among those who decide to attend therapy. Let’s see what it is and what can be done to overcome this problem.
Emotional dependence is an excessive pathological need for affection, affection and constant availability that some people feel with respect to someone with whom they have established an emotional bond, usually their romantic partners, damaging both their relationship and their social life and their own well-being in the medium and long term.
Furthermore, emotional dependence is not characterized by being accompanied by a high level of non-conformity when choosing who to establish a relationship with. On the contrary: although the person feels frustrated and dissatisfied because they are not getting all the emotional support that they feel they need, the awareness that this problem exists makes them fear the possibility of a breakup even more. Thus, those who suffer from emotional dependence put the person on whom they depend above other very important aspects of their lives.
On the other hand, Do not confuse emotional dependence with what is known as “psychological dependence.”, a term used to refer to cases of addictions. Those who have developed this type of pathology feel that they need to satisfy their desires to consume a drug or perform a certain action over and over again. However, emotional dependence is expressed in more subtle ways. Not so much through repeated exposure to a very specific type of experience that is easy to recognize (smoking, taking pills…), but rather by creating situations in which the fear that the other person will abandon us or stop counting on us is reduced. .
Emotional dependence rests on more abstract thoughts than those of psychological dependence, and also, of a much less individualistic nature.
Possible causes
These are the most frequent causes of emotional dependence. In practice, they often overlap each other, striving for each other’s influence.
1. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem consists of a tendency to negative self-evaluationand in this case, a feeling of inferiority compared to the other member of the couple.
2. Fears based on traumatic experiences
This problem may be facilitated by a history of abuse in the past, as well as a lack of affection and affection on the part of the person’s parents. This is what is known as insecure attachment.
3. Lack of social skills
Deficits in social skills They are often associated with the fear of lonelinessleading the person to believe that they will not have new opportunities to have a close relationship with someone.
4. External pressures
Expectations of all kinds, and even gender roles, can contribute to a person believing and feeling that their reason for being is to be with their partner and do everything possible for them to remain by their side.
These are several signs that help identify cases of emotional dependence.
1. Normalization of humiliations
People who are emotionally dependent on their partners can become idealize them to the point of tolerating abusive situationshumiliation or abuse of power on their part.
2. Jealousy problems
Also the appearance of unjustified jealousy is common. However, these do not usually take the form of attempts to control the other person, but rather more discreet ways of expressing discomfort: for example, a passive-aggressive attitude.
3. Weakening of the rest of social ties
People who have developed emotional dependence They stop dedicating time and effort to cultivating friendships that are outside of that relationship.since they put the other person first and try to please them above commitments that have nothing to do with them.
4. Feeling of emptiness and helplessness
emotional dependence can be understood as a way of trying to fill a void through the presence of the other person; This makes the person who develops this psychological phenomenon notice that without that relationship his life would be meaningless, and that he is therefore very vulnerable because his ability to be happy basically depends on that individual.
5. Appearance of anxiety and stress
Frequently feeling that you are at risk of losing that relationship causes anxiety problems to appear, with various associated symptoms: irritability, sleeping problems, problems concentrating, etc.
Tips to know how to manage it
The best and most recommended way to deal with emotional dependence is to go to a psychologist; There are many useful psychotherapy resources to help better manage emotions and personal relationships. However, apart from that, there are also some simple tips that can help with this problem. They are the following.
1. Make sure you are not going through a situation of abuse
First of all, check that what happens to you does not constitute abuse. If physical or psychological attacks occur repeatedly, it is important cut off that relationship as soon as possible and don’t try to fix it: In cases like this, your safety and well-being come first.
2. Detect recurring situations in which you give in too much
Over the course of a week, write down in a small notebook all the times when you feel that in the hours before you have given up too much for fear of losing that person. When you reach the seventh day, look at what you have been writing.
3. Make sure you maintain an active and varied social life
If you become more and more isolated due to emotional dependence, you will become more and more dependent on that person; It’s a vicious circle that you’re not interested in feeding.. To avoid this, set a minimum of monthly or weekly hours to spend interacting face to face with friends and other people important to you.
4. Start personal projects
Dedicate part of your time to something that only concerns you and that will bring you satisfaction through short and long-term goals is a good way to adopt your own perspective on life, not only linked to what the other person does or thinks.
5. Practice assertiveness
Get used to defending your interests and your point of view in relationships with that person will help them stop assuming that they will continue to have a leadership role in all interactions with you, and it will also show you that there is nothing wrong with expressing your disagreement with certain things.
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6. Go to psychotherapy
If a few weeks pass and you notice that nothing changes, or if you feel very bad and need help as soon as possible, contact psychotherapy professionals. Emotional dependence can be treated by going to psychological therapy. In this process, the professional detects the personal and contextual causes behind the dependency and creates an emotional and behavioral “training” plan to gain autonomy and reinforce self-esteem.
In Psychological Awakenings We offer individualized psychotherapy and couples therapy or family therapy services both in online format by video call, and in person at our centers in Madrid, Getafe, Leganés and Móstoles. We serve people of all ages. Contact us to learn how to better manage your emotions and adopt psychologically healthy habits.
