In my years as a therapist I have witnessed how many people live prey to a great ghost that torments them: its name is blame They are people who cannot fully enjoy their lives because they tend to deprive themselves of experiences, make decisions, take on challenges, and close circles in their lives because they feel guilty.
That’s why today I decided to write a few basic ideas that allow you to reflect on this great ghost that torments our lives and sometimes we don’t realize it.
Let’s start by exploring the term a little: blame. We usually define this concept as an unpleasant feeling born of sanction the accusatory accusation or condemnation produced by “something we did or did not do and it was assumed that we should do or not do.”
This signaling generates feelings such as sadness, remorse, regret, anguish, helplessness and frustration.
The little imaginary trials
We can find these cases very easily in judicial matters, in which a person is sentenced or sentenced to a certain penalty for committing a crime. These processes are usually very emotionally draining for those involved easily noticing a deterioration not only psychological-social, but also physical.
Precisely, I am interested in reflecting on this point. In consultation I usually mention to my patients that, consciously or unconsciously, they usually live in a constant “trial” in which, unfortunately, they themselves are the ones who force themselves to sit in the “chair of the accused.”
This way, It is about exemplifying how exhausting their lives tend to be , by one’s own decision to “punish or reproach oneself” for “what one does or does not do in life.” That is to say, in many cases there is no such thing as “another who points out”, but rather it is the subject’s own inflexibility that is accused.
Starting from this premise, it is clear thatGuilt is the exclusive decision of the subject to condemn himself
The upbringing and education received in general can influence the acquisition of self-punitive behaviors, but once we move into adulthood, we are responsible for changing our repertoire in such a way that we acquire more and more assertive emotional tools.
The second language example
To clarify this point I usually give the following example to my patients.
When you are a child, many times, parents cannot give their children the option of acquiring a second language; While they are children and adolescents, they are subject to the possibilities that their parents allow. And if you ask them why they don’t speak another language, they will very naturally say that their parents can’t give them that option.
But when you are an adult, you can no longer justify yourself by talking about what your parents could not provide you, because theoretically it is their absolute responsibility to provide themselves with all the professional tools necessary to compete in the labor market, and the more they need a tool, To stand out in the professional field, the greater your effort should be to achieve it.
In the same way, if our parents could not provide us with the necessary tools to have mental health and therefore quality of life, as adults it is our responsibility to acquire new resources. Therefore, using guilt assertively is an absolute decision of the person. The ideal is to know how to manage these beliefs and feelings to improve our quality of life in those areas where you can improve.
Why should guilt be exterminated when it is not assertive?
Guilt generates heartbreaking feelings because it makes the person prisoner in an emotional situation.
Example: let’s imagine that a natural disaster occurs near where we live and many loved ones were affected; We feel their pain and concern, therefore, if it is within our means we run to help them, trying to do our best in the face of such a catastrophe; It would be almost unthinkable for a person to put handcuffs on his hands and tie himself to the bed, in such a way that he feels the pain of his friends but without being able to do anything.
This is precisely the scenario assumed by people who blame themselves; They remain paralyzed, they lament, they feel pain, but they do not take actions that will allow them to improve the situation They remain “tied”, “prisoners” in their feelings without the ability to collaborate.
Forms of compensation
It is necessary to clarify that sometimes people clearly assume responsibility for their actions , meanwhile they look for ways to compensate for their mistake. For example, if in a couple one of the two was unfaithful, it is possible that the mistake is recognized and that the person fights to regain trust, in such a way that it does not remain in regrets or sanctions, but in the way of getting back together. recover the emotional stability of the couple in case they want to continue together. That is, guilt allows us to become sensitive to human feelings and therefore, delimit certain actions for healthy coexistence. This would be the assertive use of guilt.
Nevertheless, Many times people feel guilty for events that are not their responsibility Returning to one of the examples, it would be as if the person felt responsible for the natural disaster, which devastated the neighborhood and therefore began to apologize to others and could not continue with his life because of the sadness caused by the disaster. experience.
The guilt that binds us
In the same way, people spend a large amount of their lives immersed in this “irrational belief” that they are responsible for events that belong to their own course of life. And the difficult thing about the case is that a circle is generated, because By “paralyzing” and not looking for alternative ways to improve the situation, one falls into complaining or constant regrets
Therefore, when people are helped to channel their guilt, they are asked if they really want to free themselves from those unpleasant feelings. The most important question I need to ask you as a therapist is, “Do you want to take responsibility for your life?” Why that It often involves taking actions that we unconsciously avoid taking In some cases, in fact, they realize that it is more comfortable to lament the past than to start building the present.
The temporality
Another important aspect to mention on the topic of guilt is its temporality Guilt, as already mentioned, helps us become sensitive to those actions that we do or fail to do and that allows us to amend or improve as people; but it must be registered within a time. It has a beginning and an end, as well as an objective that, as mentioned, focuses on improvement.
However, its use is distorted when it starts but does not end, that is, when we feel bad for a mistake we committed but we are continually recriminating ourselves over and over again.
In legal matters, it is often heard that a person pays a sentence only once per crime. In this case it is the same; the person truly repents for the harm committed, apologizes, demonstrates his repentance, and continues living. However, Many people find it impossible to put an end to that and they relive their negative feelings over and over again. for the damage they caused to the other person.
At this point I usually ask my patients the following question: What is the purpose of living with that feeling of guilt? Could it be that it works for us to victimize ourselves, manipulate, or avoid taking responsibility? It is extremely important for people to find the real reason why they blame themselves. It is the beginning to achieve changes.
