Many years ago, when I took a course on couples therapy with José Antonio Carrobles, I remember that among other documents there was a sheet titled “How to communicate satisfactorily.” It contained a series of tips, all of which were very useful for improving communication.
However, we observe in psychotherapy that theoretical knowledge about how a problem is solved does not produce its solution For example, we all know that an addiction to a toxic substance requires non-consumption to overcome; However, this knowledge does not solve the problem. It is not enough, because the problem lies there, precisely that you cannot not consume.
The objective of couples therapy: to translate it into actions
Couple therapists know that for a good understanding and to resolve conflicts, both must listen to their partner, not interrupt them, not present counter complaints, summarize what they have understood to their partner, etc. Sometimes, it’s simply about improving communication.
However, with the identification of problem behaviors and with the mere transmission of information about what needs to be changed or done, it turns out that the necessary changes do not occur, they do not perform the behaviors. They cannot or do not know how to do it, despite knowing what they have to do. This is the case much more frequently than is desirable.
We have tools that allow us to identify quite accurately what problematic behaviors are for each member of the couple. We can also verify the little knowledge they usually have about what the couple expects and needs from the other, as well as the little knowledge they have about what gratifies certain behaviors to others. However, with all this, it is often not enough.
That is, we can understand and clarify what needs to be changed, implemented, eradicated or replaced, but that is usually not enough.
The need to go beyond theory
Psychotherapy has advanced a lot in recent decades. We have developed techniques that promote change in many cases, relatively quickly.
These techniques would lead us to achieve (often without the patient at first understanding very well what is happening), that the person puts into practice actions and habits that lead him to experience his problems in a different way, to experience his emotional problems. differently on an emotional level, in turn correcting those behaviors that not only did not solve their problems, but were usually the reason for their existence and persistence.
Thus, An adequate use of language by the therapist will lead the couple to see their problem from another perspective this will motivate them to comply with what was agreed, which in turn will lead them to have a different emotional experience, correcting the behaviors that maintained and developed the conflict.
Combining couple sessions with individual sessions
It is true that it is very important to identify problem behaviors, since what differentiates the success of some couples from others is the behavior (assuming that there has previously been an attraction, desire and compatibility), but It will be the implementation of certain prescriptions, adapted to the uniqueness of each couple, that will produce the changes in the problem behaviors, extinguishing them, or drastically reducing their rate, or replacing them with others that will strengthen and develop the bond.
It will then be that the relationship will have the quality and warmth that the couple seeks and needs.
Many times we will have to intervene individually to ensure that one of these members of the relationship (if not both) is equipped with those skills that allow them to manage their emotions more appropriately, and that this helps them not to have behavior that generates conflict. conflict.
And it is common for it to be the problems of one of the members of the couple that have to be treated, simultaneously with the relationship, to advance adequately in therapy. Therefore, after one or more contacts with both, It is usually necessary to have individual sessions, separately, with each one In other cases, individual psychotherapy will even be necessary, prior to couples therapy.
Treatment of common problems
It will also be convenient check if there is a common goal Sometimes, the members of a relationship not only have different, but even conflicting goals.
By seeing them, initially together and later separately (especially if they have different objectives), it will be easier to outline common objectives. Later the fact that they do not agree or were in agreement together will be worked on.
Obstacles in the development of therapy
If the intention that someone has when going to a couples therapist is to demonstrate that the fault lies with the other, or the reason for attending is that they do not know how to break the relationship, couples therapy (considering continuity as the objective) becomes very difficult, if not impossible.
Another reason for discomfort in the couple is that, over time, frequently, erotic desire declines The phase of falling in love lasts as long as it lasts, after it, if there is not a conversion of falling in love into something more that we will call love and also if eroticism is not cultivated, it will decline. As in almost all things, when we dedicate attention, time, energy and care, interest will last.
The important is that We can and must modify those behaviors that are the reason for a bad relationship Let us not doubt that it is possible and that we have the tools to achieve it, if there is a true desire and motivation for it.
Conclusion
When two people have a lot of fun together, they carry out their common projects, they are present in each other’s lives when they need it, they help and push the other to carry out their dreams, they give each other continuous and frequent displays of affection, they wish each other, they They admire and express it, they treat each other with respect, they share what they have… it will be difficult to break or want to break a relationship like that.
Well then, This is the goal of couples therapy help them resolve their conflicts, change problematic behaviors and improve communication, and thus, produce those highly desirable results between two people who say and want to love each other.
