Verbal aikido is a way to prevent conflicts from boiling over and turning into attacks. Today I explain how discussions occur and how to apply verbal aikido.
Something curious happens to many people with arguments, and that is that sometimes you simply want to defend yourself from something that has been accused of you or you want the other person to understand your point of view but contrary to what you want, without realizing it you find yourself involved. in a big argument that you don’t even know how it originated and you don’t know how to calm it down either.
Surely it has happened to you on some occasion, because who more or less has seen themselves without thinking speaking in a way that they later regretted or even saying things that they really did not mean, and you do not necessarily have to be an aggressive person to do it, you simply don’t know how to manage the discussion any other way.
How does an argument start?
Before talking about verbal aikido, it is important to understand how arguments originate in order to be able to deal with them in the best way possible. An argument generally originates when something someone says or does to you makes you feel bad, offends or bothers you. At that moment what you do is try to convince the other person that they are wrong or convince that your opinion or point of view is the best. The other person, far from accepting what you are telling them, also looks at how they feel and takes what you have told them badly, and from there a speech is generated focused on trying to convince the other and justifying your own behavior, reaching make direct and sometimes conscious attacks. This produces what we call in psychology an “upward climb.” If we imagine a ladder, it is as if the two people are trying to climb a rung or two to put themselves above the other person, and the other person does the same, ascending higher and higher and generating a situation that can be very emotionally damaging if It doesn’t stop. Generally this stops when the situation is completely out of control and when the damage causes one of the people to leave the situation and leave.
When you are ascending climbs are common or the damage caused is very serious, it can lead to emotional or social breakups and even family breakups. This is why it is so important to control what is said in discussions, because once damage has been caused, sometimes it can no longer be repaired. In my therapies I usually explain that relationships with others are like a glass glass. When there is an argument in which there is disrespect or an upward escalation, it is as if we threw that glass on the ground and it broke into a thousand pieces. No matter how much you later forgive and try to start with a clean slate, that is, if you try to put the glass back together, it will never be the same, some glass will be lost and the glue will cause the glass to not have the same appearance, in addition to never the more you can drink from it. Therefore, the relationship will no longer be the same, there is always some trace of what has been said or done and even if it is forgiven, the relationship will already be a little damaged. It is for this reason that we must avoid reaching these extremes, avoid escalations and thus have healthy relationships with others.
So, what is verbal aikido?
And you will say… what do martial arts have to do with communication and discussions? Well, aikido is a martial art that is based on blocking the opponent without seeking to harm them. Aikido would be an analogy of how to deal with arguments, blocking the discussion without harming the other person (verbally speaking).
When we argue we tend to look at our navels but normally when someone makes a complaint or seeks an argument, what they are actually indirectly asking for is help. Therefore, the best way to practice verbal aikido is to get outside of yourself, stop focusing on what they have told you (and on your anger) and evaluate what they are subliminally trying to tell you with that phrase, investigate their needs and look for the way to resolve the conflict without entering into the “and you more”. Far from what is popularly said, the best defense is NOT a good attack. That does not mean that you avoid conflict at all costs, it is about trying to resolve the situation but without blood spilling into the river.
To understand it better I will put some example:
You are at work and a colleague throws a “dart” at you with an irony like: “how badly some people live, I am here working like a slave while others live like God.” Faced with this attack, it is easy to respond with another attack like “I don’t know who you’re saying this for, it won’t be for me, I haven’t stopped since I arrived, and my job is more complicated than what everyone else does.” If you verbalize something like that, it is likely that the thunderclap will break loose and you will enter into an upward escalation. You have been offended because your work and your responsibility have been discredited, but the goal is not for the other person to realize that. One way to practice verbal aikido would be the following. “It’s true that you have a lot of work and it’s a bummer to be this stressed from the moment you arrive. I understand it because the same thing happens to me, but think that attacking your colleagues is not the solution. “Sometimes we don’t realize what others are doing, I wish the boss would realize that we are overwhelmed.” If we analyze the situation, what your colleague actually wants to tell you is that he is very emotionally saturated and is angry with the weight he carries in the company, not with you directly. If you empathize with your partner, it is more likely that the argument will not escalate. In fact, in the phrase the attention of colleagues is defocused and responsibility is given to the boss who is the one who does not change the situation.
Therefore, to practice verbal aikido You have to do these interventions:
BreatheDon’t get carried away by the rage of the moment
Think that It’s not something personalhe says it like that because perhaps his social skills are not the best or because he is stressed or upset, but in reality he is trying to tell you about a need or asking for help.
Find out what needs and how feel.
Don’t justify yourself or focus on yourself, focus on understand your part and help you.
If the ways used are not correct, you can specify it, but do it with touch and without provoking add more fuel to the fire.
Try practicing verbal aikido in your daily life, and you will see how arguments are significantly reduced.
