What Reasons Predispose Us To Develop Sex Addiction?
We are faced with a sex addiction when the desire to have sexual relations manifests frequently, is intense and is accompanied by compulsive behaviors aimed at satisfying that desire in an uncontrollable way.
This is so understanding sexuality in its different forms, that is, not necessarily having a sexual encounter with another person but also with sexual behaviors of masturbation, consumption of prostitution, consumption of cybersex or pornography, among others. The person spends a large part of his day looking for a way to satisfy his need affecting their work and personal lives.
Addictions are usually a consequence of more primary problems in the person. That is, consumption becomes the solution that can be given to a certain problem. When the person consumes or performs behaviors related to sexuality, in the short term the situation that generates discomfort takes a back seat, This action becomes an emotional regulator that temporarily calms the discomfort But what happens in the long term? the solution being put in place becomes the problem.
When consuming any substance, our brain releases a hormone known as dopamine, generating pleasurable sensations. Because of this pleasure that is obtained, our brain will send us the message that it needs us to repeat that behavior to obtain that pleasant sensation. What happens is that our brain needs an increasing amount of this substance that generates calm.
There are times in our lives when we can experience complicated and painful situations for us. Right now, We can face the situation and the discomfort generated or avoid what happened and not face it This second option can carry with it certain negative consequences for the person.
If the usual form of coping that one uses is avoidance or suppression, what happens is that All those events and psychological wounds that have appeared in us through the experiences we have lived will accumulate These experiences begin from the moment we are born and we begin to relate to our care figures; The first experiences will later mark who we are and how we learn to face those experiences that come.
How does the bond with our parents influence when it comes to regulating our emotions?
Many of these wounds are related to how we may have felt as children in the bond with our caregivers. When we are children we seek constant affection and approval from the adults around us If we don’t get it, we will look for a way to get it. We will implement behaviors that attract the attention of our caregivers, we will try to please them, we will take charge of their care or we will put aside our needs to meet those of the adult and thus receive the approval we seek.
If we have had any experience of this type, it will be a wound with which we grow and develop. This wound can translate into emotional emptiness It is a very painful sensation, which hides a great feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding, fear or sadness. There is a need to feel complete, but the person does not know the formula to feel this way, so, sometimes, one begins to look for a way to combat this feeling and discomfort and thus be able to feel completely complete.
Sometimes this feeling can awaken or increase after a breakup, a layoff, work problems or some situation that generates discomfort in the person. In these types of situations, we can look the other way, so as not to run into the reality of the moment. But what is really happening is that We will not be facing or regulating our own discomfort, nor the experience we are facing
The negative consequences of not managing emotions well
When we experience situations that generate discomfort, Poor regulation of these can lead to the appearance of addictive behavior
In situations that generate damage or problems, if there is no good regulation of the discomfort or coping with what is happening, there are people who begin to consume toxic substances, fill their agenda with plans, work longer hours, consume pornography for hours, or have compulsive sexual relations. In this article I would like to focus more on problematic sexual behaviors
It is known by all that sex is a basic need of the human being, and this is indicated in the pyramid of basic needs created by Abraham Maslow. Sometimes sexual practices can become addictive behaviors. In this case, These types of behaviors are not related to the search for pleasure ; The objective would be the search for calm and relief from the emotional discomfort generated by the different situations that may have been experienced, and are also inserted in the context of each person’s life story.
Sexual relations will be the way in which the person learns to regulate themselves and calm their emotions , and this is how you will face whatever causes you discomfort. Stimuli are sought that reward and generate momentary relief. This also occurs with other types of behaviors such as, for example, uncontrollable food intake or substance consumption, exercising self-destructive behavior on oneself.
In the short term, a positive reward is obtained, which is followed by relief and a decrease in emotional discomfort. But… what happens in the medium and long term? The discomfort appears again
First of all, guilt will appear for one’s own consumption. This guilt generates emotional discomfort, added to the previous emotional discomfort that has not been managed either. Again, to calm this greater discomfort, the use of said problem behavior is used again
Therefore, we will not be facing the problem, but rather we will be covering it up and not influencing what has generated it. Sometimes, the focus that generated the discomfort may not be seen by the person But this type of behavior tells us that something is not right inside us.
Developing a sex addiction is also a way of not coming into contact with discomfort and the problem situation. Let’s imagine an inflatable mattress that has been punctured. At the moment, because we need to use it and we don’t have the opportunity to buy another one, we put a patch on it. We know that this patch may last us the rest of our vacation, but it will probably be broken again the next time we want to use it. This is what happens when we avoid facing the problems that happen to us. For a moment we can survive, but what will happen in the long term? That This discomfort will appear intensely, abruptly, and it will be more difficult for us to manage it
How do we know if we have a sex addiction problem?
These are several criteria that help to know if a sex addiction problem exists.
Much of the day is spent fantasizing and looking for ways to satisfy the need.
This creates great anxiety and the brain has learned that the only way to calm it is by consuming pornography or having sex, for example.
Activities of daily living are left aside
Examples of these activities that become a low priority are work or a couple, family or social relationship.
Anxiety, thoughts and fantasies do not decrease until the person does not consume
The feeling that the person has no control over the behavior appears that appears. You feel that you are controlled by what you need
There is no need to satisfy the desire, but to calm and regulate the discomfort
That is, the focus of the experience is fixed on the negative.
The person feels a great emotional emptiness and guilt
You may even feel deserving of being punished and that is why you start these self-boycotting or destructive behaviors.
The need to go beyond the symptom
Due to my experience in consultation, most of the time we see that, behind the symptom, there is a great need to feel seen, loved, valued, and desired. Therefore, in therapy it is very important that we work to identify what may be generating these symptoms, and not simply stop at a description of them.
