What Should Our Internal Dialogue Be Like To Have Good Self-esteem?
Contrary to what Freud thought, Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, a humanistic theory of personality, human relationships and communication, I thought that human beings were born mentally healthy but that, throughout their life, through life experiences and the type of education received, or treatment with the family, they could develop psychological problems.
Many people present tragic life scripts, that is, traumas or adverse experiences, with a very negative emotional charge. If the human being experiences experiences and emotions of well-being and experiences or emotions of discomfort, It is not only due to a reductionist theory of happiness , where only internal or external factors influence, but it is a mixture of both. It is due both to how we feel and experience the experiences we have internally, and to external factors that influence how we feel.
To develop greater self-esteem, one of the fundamental characteristics that must be taken into account is maintain a coherent and healthy internal dialogue with ourselves One of the strategies that I personally like the most to be able to acquire this dialogue is the one proposed by the Transactional Analysis that I describe below.
Inside our head we have three characters, “Three states of the Self” with whom we dialogue. The three ego states are as follows.
1. The Father Self
It represents the Sense of Duty. What I should and have to do. It has to do with cultural norms and the messages received in childhood through our parents, teachers, peers, the jobs we have been in…for example: “I must work as a civil servant; I must study; I must be productive, I must get married”…
It represents our Sense of Reality: “I choose.” What the person decides to think, feel and do, taking into account their education received and their culture In the parent self, culture and family educate you and in the adult self, you educate yourself. We question what we have received and make our own analysis of what we want to be, how we want to behave or how we want to live. Example: “I choose not to get married, to work in what I like, to have children”…
3. The Child Self
It has to do with our Sense of Pleasure : “I wish”. It is our emotional part: “I feel, I feel like it, I like it, I don’t feel it, I don’t feel like it, I don’t like it, I don’t feel like it”…
How to improve self-esteem through internal dialogue?
Antonio Bolinches, creator of Vital Therapy, explains to us in his book The secret of self-esteemin a very didactic and simple way, how to develop emotional maturity, acquire emotional well-being and achieve good self-esteem, through our internal dialogue.
Depending on whether we prioritize one of the three ego states in our mind, we can adopt the following emotional states:
1. Repression
When we are repressed, The sense of duty takes precedence over what we want to choose and what we emotionally desire This sometimes leads us to experience negative emotions, since we feel that we do not choose, that we lead the life that our parents, our culture, or others want, but not the one we would like. We do not take into account the adult (what we choose), nor the child (what we feel). What I owe, instead of what I like or need.
If we are in the Parent Self, very repressed, sometimes we go to the other extreme: to the Child Self. And suddenly we began to engage in adolescent, unresponsible, immature behaviors. This happens a lot when the person has not experienced the vital stages of it. For example, if you have not lived your adolescence or youth with satisfaction and suddenly in middle age, forty or fifty, you begin to behave like a teenager.
When we behave immature, the sense of pleasure takes precedence, above what is sensible and what we should do We feel a momentary sense of relief, but in the long term, we may feel that we have not done what we should or is good for us. What predominates is what I feel like, what I like. It is difficult for us to think about our long-term well-being. We let ourselves be carried away by what we feel at all times. We will feel instant gratification, but our lives may drift a little.
3. Guilt
When we feel guilty, we have a debate between what we should do and what we feel Between the father and the child. The adult does not take charge of the decision. The reality principle is ignored, and what is most sensible to do, based on what one chooses or from the beliefs that we have developed as adults. Example: “I like my job, but it doesn’t allow me to live well, or I love a person, but it doesn’t suit me.”
4. Maturity
When we behave maturely, the adult is the one who takes the reins, taking into account what we owe and what we feel. This leads us to behave in a balanced way, prioritizing our long-term well-being emotions Example: when we feel that there is well-being in an area of our life. I choose a job that suits me (father) and that I like (child); I am with a partner who is good for me (father) and who I love (child)…
