What To Do About The 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Of Couple Love
Relationship problems are usually too varied to describe in a general way, but two large groups can be distinguished
On the one hand, couples who, although they do not have arguments and conflicts, suffer a great distance. On the other hand, there are couples who live in constant conflict, with major disputes and misunderstandings. Couples in this last group are the objective of this article, who must face the presence of the problems that we described in the previous article: The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of love in the couple.
In this article We propose the tools and possible actions to carry out when each of the riders appear to be able to solve these difficulties and adopt a potentially successful attitude to face the crises that arise.
How to manage the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships
More than two decades ago, the Gottmans and their colleagues at the University of Washington discovered that In 90% of cases, you could successfully predict whether a married couple would stay together or break up This discovery was of great importance since; If the factors that could lead to divorce were known, perhaps these could be avoided and the relationship saved.
The team learned to determine which interactions between couples result in lasting happiness, and which lead to emotional distancing and separation. But detecting problems is not the same as making them go away.
From a systemic point of view, it is understood that couples go through a series of crises depending on the stages of development they complete : commitment crisis, cohabitation crisis, first child crisis, empty nest crisis, etc.
Problems arise when the transition from one stage to another is not carried out adequately and the couple fails to adapt to the new situation (Haley, 1973, 1976; Carter and McGoldrick, 1989). On many occasions, unresolved crises overlap and conflicts lengthen. Furthermore, the coping style does not usually change, so the problems become chronic and the problem becomes bigger.
Taking this into account, let’s look at some tips to know how to properly manage each of the riders of the apocalypse of love in the couple.
First Rider: The Reviews
As a reminder, a criticism is a global and lasting attitude that directly attacks the personality of the partner.
In general, showing one’s own feelings is positive for the relationship (we never know what the other person thinks or feels unless they communicate it), but It must be done from a humble position in which the main objective is to solve a fact and communicate how we feel about it from respect.
Specific problems should always be described, and not treat the event as a lasting and global situation so as not to fall into criticism. You have to be careful with the tone. It should not be belligerent or sarcastic. You should not enter into personal judgments or attacks on the personality of the other.
There are healthy complaints (sharing responsibility) and harmful complaints (accumulated complaints). There are healthy ways to respond to a complaint (ask questions to better understand) and harmful ways to respond to a complaint (defend yourself).
If we observe any behavior from our partner that we do not like, we should communicate it to him or her , but always talking about a specific fact, otherwise it is very easy to get into criticism. For example: “Yesterday you forgot to take the clothes out of the washing machine and I had to take them out before going to work. Please take them out at night so I have more time the next morning.” This attitude is very different from: “You are selfish because you value your time more than mine since I always have to do all the housework myself.”
When complaints are not presented as criticism directed at the person, we encourage our partner’s attitude of active listening If they listen to us and, furthermore, we feel listened to; It is much more likely that our partner will put their efforts into not carrying out the behavior that makes us feel bad and that we ourselves will lower the level of negative feelings.
Furthermore, no matter how much anger we feel, everyday situations should be relativized reflecting on whether the situation is important and taking stock of other things that your partner does that may replace the tasks he or she does not do. Making this balance promotes attitudes of gratitude and valuing what each person contributes to the relationship.
The next step is to express it to your partner: “Honey, I really appreciate you hanging up the washing machine at night and saving me the work in the morning.” This exercise is not effective when the displays of affection are not real. It only has to be said if you think about it. And if you think you always have to say it.
Tips:
Second Horseman: Contempt
The contempt born from criticism poorly reinforced with hostility and indignation Attacks and counterattacks generate insecurity for the couple, which prevents conversation and leads to distancing.
Criticism is negative for the relationship, but contempt goes one step further. Contempt generates much more pain and distrust than criticism alone It generates the need in the other to defend themselves by counterattacking, which causes a spiral of reproaches and insults that is difficult to stop.
There are formulas to avoid falling into contempt or to stop it when the pattern has already been created. Many times we focus on expressing what we do not want to see in our partner’s behavior without them knowing very well what we expect from them. This leads the other person to find the answer in their own expectations or in their way of interpreting a situation without knowing exactly what we want.
We lead our partner to use the trial-error formula to determine what we need from him since he only knows what we don’t want, but he doesn’t know what we do want. If you use this formula without success on many occasions, you end up throwing in the towel and distancing occurs. That’s why It is important to communicate what we want and expect from our partner
Another tool to avoid falling into contempt is to respond to the needs expressed by the couple with open questions. This way, We show interest in each other’s concerns and clarify exactly how our partner feels and what we should do about it To do this, we must remember two rules:
The alternative to these behaviors is active listening and understanding of another’s message. To do this we rely on open questions:
Finally, When we feel that the other has heard us, we must express it This way, the other person will be more likely to take that listening attitude again in the future.
Tips:
Third Horseman: Defensiveness
When one or both parties in the couple feel hurt or insulted, they try to defend themselves at all costs without listening to the other’s demands.
The way you approach conversations largely determines the quality of the relationship in general (John Gottman, 1994). There is a big difference between starting a conversation with an aggressive approach and starting a conversation with a soft approach. The aggressive approach is based on the accusation and encourages the other person to focus more on the “forms” than on the “substances.” The soft approach allows complaints to be expressed in a more neutral way.
It is very important to start the conversation gently so that it can move forward The aggressive approach quickly becomes an obstacle that even allows a 96% prediction that the outcome of the discussion will not be satisfactory.
Aggressive approach: ”I’m tired of always going out on Saturdays with your friends.”
Gentle approach: ”I would love to spend more time alone. What do you think about you and me going out to dinner on Saturday?”
Many people find it difficult to accept their partner’s ideas, suggestions or requests because they believe that if they do so they will lose power in the relationship. This attitude also turns out to be defensive. Studies show that this mainly happens to men; but they also show that they are wrong.
Men who allow themselves to be influenced by their partners enjoy more power in their relationship than men who do not. It is believed that this is because women feel more respected, so they are also willing to give more power to their partner. This means that they do not hinder each other, but rather try to reach mutual agreements Although it may seem paradoxical, sharing power with others gives power.
Expressing and accepting appreciation greatly dissipates feelings of resentment. It is about carrying out a cognitive exercise of expressly focusing on what the couple does well or that we like and communicating it to them. On the other hand, It is equally important to know how to listen to and accept your partner’s expressions of appreciation without denying or ignoring them Assimilating and believing those good things that our partner says about us is an exercise that, although it may seem basic, many people have to practice.
Tips:
Start conversations more gently.
Open to the influence of the other.
Express more gratitude and appreciation.
Accept the compliments that the other gives.
Fourth Horseman: The Evasive Attitude
The evasive attitude is characterized by showing indifference towards what concerns the relationship
There are many reasons why a person may display an evasive attitude; but it almost always comes from reinforcement by the fact that when we avoid the conflict (either by going somewhere else or talking about something else) it ends.
But the conflict ends only momentarily, since it has not been resolved. So it is highly likely that it will arise again. When we maintain an evasive attitude over time we do not solve problems, we postpone them.
It is necessary to stop avoiding conflict and face it with the correct skills If we have been evasive for a long time in our lives, we may have to learn these alternative strategies.
When the relationship style is avoidant, many of the conflicts become perpetual, which can create a gap in the relationship that will surely grow. Perpetual problems refer to those fundamental differences in character or lifestyle preferences that continually generate conflict. The result is usually emotional distancing, the most serious conflict within the relationship. The goal is to be able to talk about disagreements regularly and feel good about each other.
Another very useful cognitive tool is to realize that the personality we believe our partner has is an image that we have created based on our beliefs, our expectations, our information processing and our way of seeing the world in general. A practical exercise is to try to judge our partner just as an external person without emotional involvement would do
Physical and emotional intimacy are closely linked. When one party feels a lack of emotional connection, they will lose interest in sex, romance, and passion (John Gotman, 1994). It is necessary to look for quality and pleasurable moments to reestablish the emotional intimacy of the couple so that they can recover physical intimacy as a result. Discussing perpetual conflicts by delving deeper into feelings and focusing on accepting mutual differences also promotes emotional intimacy.
Tips:
Stop avoiding conflict.
Seek dialogue regarding perpetual problems. Don’t get stuck in them.
Communicate acceptance of the other’s personality.
Set aside time alone together to reestablish emotional and physical intimacy.
In conclusion
These tools They are very useful if they are practiced within the couple when, although there are conflicts, there is still no emotional distancing
Relationship problems are complicated and not easy to solve. In fact, it is one of the most requested consultations among psychology professionals. If you find yourself in a similar situation, it is advisable to go to a professional to evaluate the state of the relationship and be able to offer the most appropriate help to each couple. There are many practical exercises that are used in couples therapy, but many of them can also be done at home.
Finally, There are no major differences between heterosexual and homosexual couples but the latter do show a series of specific characteristics that should be analyzed.
The team from the University of Washington studied heterosexual marriages, so the results that we have shown from their research, as well as the tools; they address them. The differences between men and women is a variable that is taken into account in the research. Nevertheless, These problems have manifested themselves in all types of couples so the tips explained here can be useful for everyone.
Author: Susana Merino GarcÃa. Psychologist specializing in Psychopathology and Health and member of BarnaPsico.
Gottman, J. (2008). Ten keys to transform your marriage. Planeta Group (GBS).
Beyebach, M., & de Vega, M.H. (2016). 200 tasks in brief therapy: 2nd edition. Herder Editorial.
Beyebach, M. (2014). 24 ideas for brief psychotherapy. Herder Editorial.
