If we asked what quality people would most like to cultivate in a relationship, one of the answers we would probably get would be “balance.” However, each of us has personal baggage that leads us to develop different conceptions about balance in the couple: What aspects should a balanced couple meet? And one that is not?
Furthermore, agree that and as It should be a balanced relationship is difficult, since the values we have grown up with about love mutate over the years, just as we do.
For this reason, in this article we will develop when a relationship is considered balanced and how we can distinguish these bonds from other less healthy ones.
Defining what we mean by “balance” in a relationship is a complex task, since it is a very abstract concept. Individuals belonging to the same society share a series of metaphors that we use to explain some abstract concepts in terms of other more concrete ones. Let’s think about it: it is very difficult for us to refer to concepts like “time” without resorting to metaphorical expressions that conceive time in terms of something else, namely, a valuable and concrete object. An example of this is the expression “time is money”. We also talk about “investing”, “spending” and “wasting” time, as if it were a property or money.
Something like this happens when we want to refer to the “balance” between two terms, as is the case of a couple. It is so difficult to refer to an abstract concept like balance that we usually explain it in terms of a scale. Balance would imply that, when comparing two objects, there should be no more weight on one end of the scale than on the other, reaching a state of equity. This metaphor can be useful to think about some aspects of relationships. In order to sustain a bond of this type in the medium or long term, it is necessary that both parties are involved at a similar emotional level with a relatively comparable commitment to the other, so that the balance does not tip too much towards one side or the other.
However, the metaphor of the scale has certain limitations when it comes to transferring it to the field of relationships, since each person is going through a wide range of situations, events, people and projects at a specific moment. Human lives, whether as a couple or single, have their ups and downs: There are moments of greater emotional stability and others in which deregulation and overflow predominate When you are going through a delicate or difficult situation in some area of your life—say, the loss of a job or a loved one—maintaining that equity in the couple’s balance can become an impossible task.
Perhaps, a more reasonable alternative to understand balance in a relationship is to think about it in terms of a seesaw for children, also called “seesaw” in some Latin American countries. Balance in a couple sometimes means letting yourself be supported by the other in difficult moments and taking your feet off the ground. Also, on the contrary, it implies being available to do the same for him or her. However, balance in a couple is also recognizing to what extent one can support the other, knowing where one’s own limits are, and being able to negotiate these aspects when it is perceived that something is not working.
When is a relationship considered balanced?
A relationship is balanced when, in the first instance, respect for the other person is enacted on both sides. Respect in a couple means recognizing that the other person is human, having empathy with them, understanding that they may feel fragile and vulnerable at times. Also It implies accepting that the other will make mistakes, and that this does not mean that they are doing the best they can At the same time, respect in a balanced couple must be oriented toward oneself. This means knowing how to communicate one’s own needs, as well as expressing the extent to which one is willing to accompany the other person, in the most loving and compassionate way possible.
On the other hand, a balanced couple is made up of two people who are capable of exploring self-knowledge. That is, they are willing to identify and recognize their own emotions, their thoughts, their internal conflicts and the behaviors they carry out, knowing that these could affect the other person. This will allow them to be more honest with themselves and with their partner, which leads to cultivating a sincere relationship.
Thirdly, another component that characterizes balanced couples is the interest in getting to know the other person. A word that sums up mutual knowledge is intimacy. For Sternberg, intimacy provides “the feeling of feeling understood and understanding; to feel supported and support, to share It is a nuclear component that represents the feeling within the relationship, which promotes closeness, bond and connection.” We could not conceive a balanced relationship without communication, without a dialectic that denotes honest attention to the other person and what happens to them, both within the couple and beyond it.
The differences between a balanced relationship and an unbalanced relationship
For its part, unbalanced couple relationships are those that are characterized by an imbalance permanent between both people. We emphasize this word because in every relationship there are imbalances, oscillations at a given moment, in which one “gives more of himself” than the other, contains more, is more available to the couple, respects more effectively the guidelines that were established. with the other person, etc. However, in unbalanced relationships, this unequal state is sustained over time; It goes beyond the situations that one of the two people could be going through. Returning to our seesaw metaphor, it would be as if one of the two were always supporting the weight of the other without having a moment of rest.
Unlike a healthy couple, in unbalanced relationships there is usually one person who invests their efforts in pleasing the other or in alleviating the other’s infractions There are also those who relegate the couple to the background, investing less quality time to share with their partner; or those who are not interested in knowing how the other person feels in relation to the bond between them. It is not about making a value judgment in favor of one person or another. There are no culprits in relationships. What there is in an unbalanced relationship is a communication problem; a deficit when it comes to being able to express clearly and explicitly what is needed from the other. This means being able to tell him or her what is expected of him or her in the most concrete way possible; also share how one feels about the lack or excess of the other person’s presence in the relationship.
Unbalanced couples do not reach the moment of sharing their own concerns with the other person, and if they do, they have many difficulties in understanding each other. In these cases, intimacy and respect could be weakening both qualities that define a healthy and balanced couple.
In addition, toxic couples tend to suffer cycles of being very good in the relationship and, suddenly, being completely bad. These episodes usually happen when one of the two people expresses the need for it, but does so in an ineffective way. She could, for example, be aggressive when communicating or “explode,” evoking thoughts that have little to do with what she intends to achieve. On the other hand, one of these episodes could occur when one of the people communicates her needs in a healthy way but the other ignores her request.
Unfortunately, even if you express yourself assertively, there is a chance that the other person will not respond in the same way In contrast, balanced couples tend to communicate clearly; and if for some reason they do not, as long as they are human, they recognize that they have made a mistake and take concrete actions that aim for change.
Balanced couples are not perfect couples. Balanced couples, in fact, make mistakes no less than unbalanced couples. However, the former recognize this as a fact, assume it, and take responsibility to continue with this joint project that they have decided to undertake, learning along the way and betting on their mutual relational well-being.
