Although it is a taboo subject, the truth is that sexual dissatisfaction is far from being something that only affects single people. There are many couples who come to our consultation explaining that they have been experiencing apparent sexual incompatibilities for months or years, or even a lack of desire to have sex, something that many people experience as a major problem both personally and for the love bond that they have. have formed.
But… At what point does lack of sexual desire become a problem? Is it always something bad, something to work on through psychotherapy and/or sexual therapy with sexologists? Let’s see it.
Sexual desire is the psychological predisposition that leads us to confront sexual impulses, that is, the desire to have sex in one way or another It is a phenomenon that is largely determined by genetic inheritance, but is not totally determined by our DNA (as we will see later).
Its existence is the product of millions of years of biological evolution, given that our species (like most vertebrate animals) reproduce sexually, and that is why our nervous system is “wired” in a way that, In general, it makes us inclined to want to have sex from a certain age onwards.
In other words, if the lineage of living beings that has transformed into the human species had not evolved to experience sexual desire would not exist, because there would be a lack of incentives to mate and give rise to the next generation.
On the other hand, it is important not to confuse sexual desire with sexual attraction. While sexual desire is a predisposition that makes us feel like having sex in general, sexual attraction is always directed towards someone, one or several people with whom we feel like having sex (in the broadest sense of the term).
So that, we can feel sexual desire but not experience sexual attraction and it can also happen that although we have developed sexual attraction towards a person, at a given moment we do not feel sexual desire (and the latter is very important to understand the importance of consent).
In what situations is the lack of sexual desire problematic?
Now that we have generally explained the concepts of sexual desire and sexual attraction, it is time to ask the key question: is the lack of sexual desire something intrinsically bad? The answer is no, although with nuances.
First of all, the lack of sexual desire it doesn’t have to be a problem because today we know that there are people with a predisposition to feel a very low or even no sexual desire, and that does not make them unhappy. It is about asexual people, or rather, a part of them. Because there are also cases of people who present asexuality despite experiencing a significant degree of sexual desire; What happens is that they do not feel sexual desire towards practically anyone. And, once again, that doesn’t make them unhappy.
In fact, both types of asexual individuals They can develop relationships, given that these types of ties do not have to be based on the pillar of frequent sexual relations. And by the way, it should be noted that asexuality is something very different from sex phobia; In fact, it can lead to the desire to maintain intimate relationships in a non-sexual way.
On the other hand, it must be taken into account that At the end of the stage of youth, the sexual desire of most people decreases ; The frequency with which one wants to have sex decreases, and also the interest in having relatively long sexual relations. It is a completely natural process that should not scare anyone, but it should be taken into account.
So, when is lack of sexual desire a problem? It is when it gives rise to strong asymmetries in the couple’s relationship. If a person feels very dissatisfied by not being able to have sexual relations with the frequency and duration that they would like, that is an experience as legitimate as a lack of interest in having sex. Of course, this is not a justification for falling into dynamics of infidelity, but it is a type of disagreement about which it is important to talk openly, without treating it as a taboo subject.
The good news is that although sexual desire is greatly influenced by genes, it is also It is affected by experience and sociocultural Therefore, in psychotherapy and sexual therapy, couples can be helped to reconnect in the area of sex, establishing games and habits that encourage the desire to maintain relationships, and preventing desire from being weighed down by fear, prejudice and erroneous beliefs about sexuality.
Are you looking for psychotherapy or sexology services?
If you are interested in starting a process of couples therapy or sexological intervention, contact our team of professionals.
In UPAD Psychology and Coaching We work caring for individual patients and couples in a situation of marital and dating crisis, and we work to help them face and overcome problems in the management and expression of emotions, lack of communication, lack of sexual satisfaction, and more. You can count on us both in face-to-face sessions and online by video call.
