Where Do Psychological Problems Due To Self-demand Arise From?
Self-demand is a quality that, taken to the extreme, makes people feel discomfort and anxiety when they are dissatisfied with their lives.. It has a lot to do with an oversaturated mind and with great difficulty recognizing and expressing our vulnerability that is inherent to being human.
Life is uncertain, impermanent, and constantly changing… And self-demand precisely has to do with the fear of uncertainty, because one way to try to cover this fear is to assume goals that are difficult to achieve, with the goal “false” or almost impossible to want to control the situation.
Self-demand arises from the combination of external pressures along with fear of the uncontrollable..
The rules that we learn throughout our lives may or may not translate into pressures. It all depends on how one internalizes the messages presented to them from the different external sources, which are the following.
1. Society
The simple fact of being born in the 20th-21st century means that we have certain pressures that people from another historical moment would not have.. For example, there is much more pressure around body image today than there was hundreds of years ago.
2. Culture
The cultural aspect also plays a role. The pressures that a person from China may have on a person from Spain differ greatly.. For example, a person from China may have pressure not to show their feelings and be more reserved in front of a person from southern European countries.
Depending on the expectations (expressed or silent) that exist in the family environment, people can develop some demands or others.. For example, parents who overly reward good grades may cause their children to develop a need to always achieve success. Or also that your self-esteem is dependent on external achievements.
4. School Education
Depending on what is experienced in some schools or others, this will mean that students can develop certain demands or others.
5. Social relationships
Both school friendships, friends, couples… will have an effect. These constitute one of the most important forms of influence on youth.because when our identity develops during adolescence, that is when we give more importance to our peer group.
6. Events that have marked us
Those important milestones that have been marked for us can cause us to create a rigid standard of operation.
How is it translated?
When one generates self-demands that interfere with one’s life, one presents them as “I must” or “I have to”… This It feels like a rigid rule that you can’t get out of. not even the slightest, “you can’t fail”, it is very imposing. It differs from values in that these are flexible, freely chosen and more based on compassion; If one day we “fail” absolutely nothing happens because we understand that we are human.
Who presents these types of problems? To some extent, everyone. Another different aspect is whether one is conscious or not. Therefore, some are affected more than others. The less one has reflected on it, the more suffering there will be, because thus, one is not the “owner” of the “ingrained” and repetitive patterns that one presents, but rather These are the ones who govern behavior in a rigid way, as if one did not have the reins of one’s life.as if I couldn’t choose freely.
Within this group, those who suffer the most are those people who set high goals (perfectionism) or when the proposed objectives are very inflexible.
How does it affect people?
Self-demand acts on dichotomous and extreme values of always/never, white/black… Therefore, when extremes are reached, this It translates into anxiety because the rules are very rigid and end up paralyzing the person..
This occurs because the actual achievement of said self-demand, with all that it entails (high goals), is very unlikely to be achieved. It is a very high stress factor that makes the person unable to cover everything proposed; In fact, on some occasions it makes it easier for nothing to be done in the end.
How to solve it?
The first step is to be aware of what our own “shoulds” are, where they come from, and not beat ourselves up for it.. Be aware that we are a consequence of what we have experienced, but not guilty of it. From that moment, and from awareness and responsibility, we can learn to respond in a different and more adaptive way, instead of reacting automatically by constantly reproducing the same patterns (“shoulds”) that make us suffer.
With a personal work of introspection, we can lower the level of self-demand and from there be able to decide in favor of our own values and not so much for the “shoulds.”
