Traditionally, couple relationships have tended to reproduce a type of emotional ties in which there are two very different roles: the person who commands and the person who obeys. This phenomenon has been questioned recently with the rise of egalitarianism, but its effects continue to be noticeable in the small details of our love and intimate lives: Even today, it is common for there to be male and female bosses within relationships
There are several factors that explain why, if we look closely at our relationship, we will most likely see that we are prone to adopting the role of leader or obedient party without paying attention to reasonable criteria.
That there are bosses in couples can be seen relatively easily by realizing that it is very common for one of the members of the relationship to worry more about pleasing the other, apologize more often and with more emphasis, and Always accept the decisions that the other makes.
It may seem that this is simply a sign that In couples there always tend to be certain personality differences but the truth is that there are more factors that influence this and that cause, to a greater and lesser extent, many people to embrace the roles of chiefs and vassals.
Who wears the pants in the relationship?
The dynamics of domination in which a person makes decisions, takes great risks and commands his partner in something that has been closely related to the man’s role as leader of the family. Not in vain in several Spanish-speaking areas it is common to ask Who wears the pants in your relationship? using this resource based on metonymy to inquire about who is the person who plays “the man” in the couple.
At least within the domestic sphere, there are still good reasons to believe that women tend to be subject to obligations that men ignore: you only have to review the studies carried out on practically any country and that explore the weekly hours that Both sexes dedicate themselves to doing household chores. The female sex wins overwhelmingly in the time dedicated to household chores often complementing these with what men had been doing: work outside the home and higher education.
Therefore, heterosexual couple relationships in which both people live together continue to lean towards male leadership when it comes to maintaining living conditions. Women continue to do most of the work at home and often develop professional careers outside of it. However, The boss of a relationship is the boss in several aspects that go beyond the housework. and the collective influence of culture. We must also take into account what each and every one of us has learned individually.
The comfort of the role of boss and obedient party
If we start to think about the concepts “boss” and “obedient party” as something abstract, it is very likely that we will come to the conclusion that being the former is preferable to being the latter. After all Leadership is related to the ideas of freedom, autonomy and power while obedience transmits the opposite sensations.
However, in practice it is not difficult to put yourself in the shoes of people who prefer to assume the role of those who obey. Giving up the role of boss means not having to worry as much about the future, experiencing less unpredictable situations and not making complicated decisions. This is, in part, what explains why there are so many relationships in which there is a clear boss or leader: the other party has come to internalize the idea that adopting a passive and obedient role interests them or is “normal” She has learned it from previous experiences.
In this way, if taking the initiative and leading teams (formal or informal) of people has left us with good feelings on most occasions, this will also have an effect on our relationships. The same thing happens in those cases in which, even if unconsciously, we have learned that it is best to do what is asked of us. Courtships and marriages are not a world apart from those in which we learn to relate to all people in general.
A lace in real time
Of course, in the appearance of the role of the boss in relationships, it is not only the culture that matters and whether we live more or less anchored in our past experiences. Also The way in which we share time and space with the other person is decisive the way our personalities fit together in real time depending on the situations we usually experience together and the context we share.
Thus, a proactive person with a good level of self-esteem could be displaced towards the role of obedient party if their partner is a person who is not particularly determined but with a much higher socioeconomic level.
Various leaderships for various situations
Furthermore, it is also common for one of the members of the couple to be the boss in very specific contexts, but not in others. Sometimes this is so for well-established and to some extent rational reasons; For example, the man may be the boss when it comes to maintaining the garden of the house because he knows more about that subject. However, it is the rest of the leaderships, those that cannot be justified based on values ​​such as equality, that put the balance in the couple’s relationship at risk.
Some of these cases in which unjustified bosses arise can be reinforced by tradition and culture; such as the old custom that a man must pay a woman for dinner. But the other cases of leadership not reasoned or based on community customs may simply be a symptom that the relationship is based on false symmetry : in it, there is someone who unjustifiably believes that he or she has greater value than the other person, with whom he or she adopts an authoritative and paternalistic attitude.
Avoiding extra leadership
Although the boss believes that this role corresponds to him by default and that this is part of normality, the truth is that this dynamic of daily and emotional relationships is not based on anything other than, simply, the idea that oneself He deserves to be the one in charge and the one who decides for the other person.
Avoiding the emergence of these leaderships based on small-scale authoritarianism is essential to ensure that the two people involved in the couple’s project can give and receive equally.
