Why Am I Defensive? 7 Reasons Behind Defensiveness
Do you tend to be defensive towards others? Do you tend to take things with a defensive attitude? Find out what this type of behavior may indicate and how to remedy it.
We are all programmed to protect ourselves and this can lead to having a defensive attitude But being defensive can always be detrimental to both you and your relationships with others. So, what does it mean to be defensive according to psychology?
The defensive attitude It refers to both a feeling and a behavior that we can all adopt. The feeling occurs when you feel that someone can criticize, embarrass or hurt you with their attitudes and words. It is not necessary for what they say to be very incisive, simply a comment without bad intentions can make us jump. This involves having behavior as a result of these feelings that may involve being more critical of this person, among other responses.
How do I know if I’m defensive?
Normally, people who tend to be defensive They are not aware that they are having these types of attitudes. In fact, defensiveness can be difficult to recognize. Some of the signs that can help you identify this type of behavior are the following:
Stop listening to the other person.
You accuse people of having double intentions
You try to justify your actions
You bring up past things that the other person did wrong and avoid talking about the current topic.
If you recognize that you usually get defensive In front of others, it is normal for you to wonder what can make you feel and behave this way. Among the most common causes of a defensive attitude, we find the following:
Unsafety: By adopting this defensive attitude people often create a false illusion of security that actually only aggravates the feeling.
Reaction to trauma: be on the defensive It is a way of feeling more ‘powerful’ in social situations. Many people adopt this attitude to avoid the emotional abuse they suffered at some point in their lives.
Social anxiety: Experiencing social phobia can also cause you to start be defensive Furthermore, they tend to pay close attention to what is said, anticipating that others will be critical.
Culpability: Sometimes he get defensive It is related to feeling guilty about a past attitude or behavior.
Powerlessness to change: Sometimes if a person points out a part of you that you want to change but feel helpless about, you can adopt a defensive attitude In matters that we reject about ourselves, we tend to be more sensitive to criticism.
Symptom of a mental health disorder: Sometimes be defensive It may be part of a larger mental health problem, such as personality disorders, eating disorders, etc.
Learned behavior: Get defensive It can also be an attitude that is learned from a parent or an authority figure, that is, as a normal behavior when relating to others.
In general, the defensive attitude It is usually the result of psychosocial causes rooted in our experiences in life or in the social context.
Types of defensive attitude
There are different types of defensiveness that we can adopt before others. Among the most common we find the following:
Ad hominem attack: Attack the other person in some way to discredit them.
Bring up the past: remind the other person when they made a mistake in the past.
silent treatment: not to talk to a person to get revenge on them. This can also end up being typical of a passive-aggressive attitude.
To blame: Blame the other person for whatever they criticize you for.
Righteous indignation: Acting as if they should not make any comments on a specific topic, thinking that it is a direct attack.
Innocent victim: agree with the criticism, but exaggerate the reaction such as crying or feeling very hurt to make the other person feel guilty.
If you think you adopt a defensive attitude towards others, you can do the following to avoid this type of attitude:
Become aware of the defensive attitude: In order to stop a defensive behavior It’s realizing when it’s happening. In those moments it is crucial to pay attention to how you feel and how you are reacting to others.
Validate your feelings: To the get defensive It is important to validate your feelings, that is, recognize why you feel hurt, ashamed, worried, etc., in order to calm these feelings.
Avoid acting on your feelings: As you validate your feelings, you should try not to act on the impulse to become defensive.
Anticipate your defensive attitude: Maybe you’ll start be defensive when you are around a person or in a certain situation. In these cases, the best thing you can do is anticipate it and plan how you would like to react to it.
Increase your self-esteem: There are many occasions when the defensive attitude It is related to low self-esteem or personal insecurities. Therefore, a good way to avoid this type of emotional reactions is precisely by working on our self-esteem.
Go to therapy: If you fight against a defensive attitude and you can’t seem to control it, you may need to invest in therapy to work with this problem. Going to a psychologist is very useful when you are experiencing obstacles in your relationships due to this.
How to treat a person who is always on the defensive?
If a person around you is always with a defensive attitude there are a series of tips that you can follow to deal with this situation:
Ignore defensiveness: Instead of focusing on the mistakes this person makes because of their attitude, focus on solving the problems and having good communication with this person.
Accept criticism: We can agree with the part of the criticism that we believe the other is telling the truth and refute the part that we consider to be unfair.
Keep calm: Also get to the defensive It will make things worse, so you should try to maintain a calm attitude.
Find common ground: To calm someone who has a defensive attitude, it is important to try to find common ground that calms these types of feelings.
There are many occasions in which we can be defensive with others, but having this attitude constantly in our relationships can indicate a psychological problem beyond this feeling.
